birds on ice

[hardon]

it's good to be knee-deep
in concentration's wreckage
fishing in our bobbleheads
fluttering like captive birds

empty nights and bottles turn
cold shoulders into cushions
thru a muddy ocean haze
in so many fucked up ways

there's something plastic surgery
about the way she leans on me
deer eyes and a wedding ring
reflection's such a dirty thing

I hear it crack under my feet
and I'm stuck to the ice
forget the numbers on the tab
give me another feeling, Sam

[Vistaldust]

Hardon...(name,lol....sorry). You have a lot of great imagery here. I have read this a number of times, and I really like it! Having said that, I'm not sure if I'm understanding what I like. That could be a good thing, as I am still a novice fisherman trying to catch more meaning from poetry than the usual fragments I normally do. I REALLY get that last stanza about being stuck in a situation that we just can't maneuver out of, so the best we can do is find some quick band ade to at least maneuver out of the pain. I think I'm getting the third stanza , relating to being deceived by the "fairer" sex. Someone may chime in on meter. Nice effort. Definitely some great irony, which I love to put in my own poetry.

[billy]

it feels very angry, i thinks it's a good poem that needs expanding on if only by a small amount. make the last stanza do a bit more work than adding a a piano player to the mix. (i'm presuming sam is from the maltese falcon ) no major nits as far as i can see.
thanks for the read.

it's good to be knee-deep
in concentration's wreckage
fishing in our bobbleheads
fluttering like captive birds i like the metaphore but i'm not sure it works that well with the statement or metaphor above it.i think the called [mixed metaphors]

empty nights and bottles turn
cold shoulders into cushions
thru a muddy ocean haze the [thru] doesn't work that well for me, considering it's the only word of it's kind in the poem
in so many fucked up ways

there's something plastic surgery
about the way she leans on me
deer eyes and a wedding ring
reflection's such a dirty thing i like this stanza a lot, make me think about what you see in her eyes?

I hear it crack under my feet
and I'm stuck to the ice
forget the numbers on the tab
give me another feeling, Sam

---

i forgot to add, good use of nil punctuation, all to often poets use caps i like that you didn't.

---

you have decent meter in the 1st two stanza then it goes awry

[hardon]

Thanks guys.
I'm a novice too Vistal. Sounds like you got it and that's a relief, means it's not a incoherent mess lol. Glad you liked it
billy, you pointed out the one metaphor that I was unsure of, ironically it was the first line that I wrote and built the rest around it yet somehow it didn't quite fit in the finished puzzle. I must admit that I don't really know what "meter" means. Is it how the words add up to make it feel like there's a rhythm? Thanks for criting, sounds like you know these things so I am noting all this

[billy]

hi hardon

read all about it here.

---

also try the PDF here

[tmanzano]

it's good to be knee-deep
in concentration's wreckage
fishing in our bobbleheads
fluttering like captive birds --I like this line--

empty nights and bottles turn -- This entire stanza works very well for me--
cold shoulders into cushions -- good--
thru a muddy ocean haze --?--
in so many fucked up ways

there's something plastic surgery -great line--
about the way she leans on me --this works well with the bottles turn--
deer eyes and a wedding ring --these next two lines are brilliant--
reflection's such a dirty thing

I hear it crack under my feet --This stanza could be more powefull, dig deeper here--
and I'm stuck to the ice
forget the numbers on the tab
give me another feeling, Sam

I too see the irony of this piece. The muddy ocean needs something else. The ending needs clarification, but that said, this has a lot of good punch and meaning. I feel a dead end town in a dead end bar with a dead end girl wanting a dead end mariage surrounded by the same dead end people that made the same dead end decisions. I feel North Dakota. Maybe off here. I like this alot.

[hardon]

Hey tmanzano,
The ocean haze was my take on the slow-mo vision when shitfaced maybe it was a bit far-fetched. Thanks for encouraging words and giving me a detailed crit.
I'm not american but there are cobblestone streets with irish-esque pubs and dimly lit sad faces in every town on earth and there's always someone in there offering someone something barely knowing what they'd ask for in return, what you felt can't have been far off. I often romanticize this particular setting or atleast try

[R.C. KITCHENS]

it's good to be knee-deep
in concentration's wreckage
fishing in our bobbleheads
fluttering like captive birds

empty nights and bottles turn
cold shoulders into cushions
thru a muddy ocean haze
"through" is needed. "thru" just seems awkward.
in so many fucked up ways

there's something plastic surgery
about the way she leans on me
deer eyes and a wedding ring
reflection's such a dirty thing

I hear it crack under my feet
and I'm stuck to the ice
forget the numbers on the tab
give me another feeling, Sam

I liked it. Give me the feeling of being in a pub and wanting another drink to change the current vibe.

[Lauren Greenwood]

I like it a lot, especially:

"empty nights and bottles turn
cold shoulders into cushions
thru a muddy ocean haze
in so many fucked up ways"

-Lauren

[Fred-Flossy]

Some really nice pieces of imagery and wordplay in this, particularly "concentration's wreckage" and "empty nights and bottles turn
cold shoulders into cushions".

The lack of punctuation and the use of "thru" irks me slightly. The last 2 lines seem to lack some of the 'mystery' (for want of a better word) of the rest of the piece, although perhaps this is intended.

Enjoyed it, thanks