Between these walls

[Keith]

Edit 1

No one walks these streets,
where hooded exchanges meet,
half brick playing fields,
used to crack riot shields.

Concrete cages hold the fragile elite,
an eye for an eye confirms our belief,
restraining orders that get ignored,
liberate the dreams I can't afford.

Stain ringed mattress, bare wood floor
her eyes roll back, faking for more.
Turn up the tune to silence their groans,
drum and bass track is my place to roam.

Stomach cramps and begs for food,
cupboards run with cockroach and booze.
Social hand-outs go socialising,
police patrols become patronising.

So I steal a car and ram raid a shop,
Sergeant said leave your keys on the top.
Tried ringing home just to use up my call,
tattooed arm rips the phone off the wall.

C block zombies fight when provoked,
pool cue splinters the head of some bloke.
So what the fuck are you looking at ?
go on walk away and don’t come back.

[Heartafire]

Nobody walks these streets, I think I would use no one
were hooded exchanges sneak, where
half brick playing fields,
used to crack riot shields. great descriptive lines

Concrete cages hold the fragile elite, good
an eye for an eye reaffirms our belief, reaffirms throws the meter off for me, a shorter word?
restraining orders that get ignored,
broke his chin “cos I was bored” I like cause but get it

Stain ringed mattress, bare wood floor
her eyes roll back, faking for more.
Turn up the tune to silence their groans,
inside the track is my place to roam. very fine stanza

Stomach cramps bend and beg for food, stomachs bend
cupboards run, with cockroach and booze. ?comma
Social hand-outs go socialising,
police patrols become patronising.

So I steal a car and ram raid a shop,
Sergeant said leave your keys on the top.
Tried ringing home just to use up my call,
tattooed arm rips the phone off the wall.

C block zombies fight when provoked,
pool cue splinters the head of some bloke.
hey you, come here, what are you looking at ?
go on walk away and don’t come back.

Hi TOMH, this sounds like a good place to stay away from. I enjoyed
reading it very much. You have done a fine job with this, I left some
suggestions to be binned at will.
My best,
Heart

[Keith]

Hello Heart, thank you very much for the feedback all very helpful and I will use it all in the edit, many thanks TOMH