The Grape Fruit Tree

[Brownlie]

Don't quite know how to edit this one I'd love to hear some suggestions. Most of it is in blank verse.


A grape fruit tree aside the house is rife
With hanging fruits unpicked. Ground
Around the tree, is wet with muddy grass.
Beside the grass is moss, that houses life
And in this mud and moss a microcosm thrives
With centipedes and worms and other bugs.
When walking underneath the tree the webs
That spiders weave can catch and tickle you
And you might see a troop of marching ants
In clotted piles that make them all stand out
As they devour and cloud the rotting fruit

In times of youth in summer, we would bat
The fruits and watch as they would fall and thud
Into the muddy microcosm, but most fruits
Would sit and hang and turn a color of rot
The fruits that once were bright would look like they
Were scabbed, often turning brown or crusting grey
The freshly rotting fruits would look indented, soft
And you could hold a fruit in hand and squish
And squeeze with little force and crumble it.
The tree has been beside the plaster walls
Of my domestic dwelling growing fruits
And shedding them for years. With every glance
Toward this grapefruit tree, I would see the ground was always
Filled with fallen fruits that fell into the microcosm
And fruits would slowly meld into the wet
And living earth. And thinking now upon
This tree of fruits that never cease to grow and fall it seems
That time sort of moves in circles. Still
Images like fruits that grow and fall and grow
And fall.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Don't quite know how to edit this one I'd love to hear some suggestions. Most of it is in blank verse.


A grape fruit tree aside the house is rife
With hanging fruits unpicked. Ground
Around the tree, is wet with muddy grass.
Beside the grass is moss, that houses life
And in this mud and moss a microcosm thrives
With centipedes and worms and other bugs.
Maybe limiting the amount of "ands" is a good start.
For example: "thrives with centipedes and worms and other bugs"
could go "thrives with centipedes,worms and other bugs"
When walking underneath the tree the webs
That spiders weave can catch and tickle you
And you might see a troop of marching ants
In clotted piles that make them all stand out
As they devour and cloud the rotting fruit

In times of youth in summer, we would bat
The fruits and watch as they would fall and thud
Into the muddy microcosm, but most fruits
Would sit and hang and turn a color of rot
The fruits that once were bright would look like they
Were scabbed, often turning brown or crusting grey
The freshly rotting fruits would look indented, soft
And you could hold a fruit in hand and squish
And squeeze with little force and crumble it.
The tree has been beside the plaster walls
Of my domestic dwelling growing fruits
And shedding them for years. With every glance
Toward this grapefruit tree, I would see the ground was always
Filled with fallen fruits that fell into the microcosm
And fruits would slowly meld into the wet
And living earth. And thinking now upon
I think you could drop the "and" "and fruits would slowly meld"
Fruits would slowly meld.
This tree of fruits that never cease to grow and fall it seems
That time sort of moves in circles. Still
Images like fruits that grow and fall and grow
And fall.
I see a very strong and repetitive ending emphasizing "The grow and fall" are you meaning "still images" or should there be a comma after Still?
"Still images like fruits that grow and fall and grow and fall. or Still, Images like fruits that grow and fall and grow and fall. I dont know exactly the best grammar here, it just feels like there should be a pause
or break after still. I think to if you go

"Images like fruits that grow and fall
grow and fall."

Or just end on one "grow and fall" is possible. There is a good many "and"s in the piece. I think there is a few places where you can extract them without harming the piece. But, I really don't know about blank verse and how it connects iambic pentameter. Not advanced that much yet to understand it completely so I cant really relate how taking a word out will affect it. I liked how it was visual and loaded with consistent imagery to press the point across. The capitalization of each first word in a new line could be fixed too.

[Brownlie]

Don't quite know how to edit this one I'd love to hear some suggestions. Most of it is in blank verse.


A grape fruit tree aside the house is rife
With hanging fruits unpicked. Ground
Around the tree, is wet with muddy grass.
Beside the grass is moss, that houses life
And in this mud and moss a microcosm thrives
With centipedes and worms and other bugs.
Maybe limiting the amount of "ands" is a good start.
For example: "thrives with centipedes and worms and other bugs"
could go "thrives with centipedes,worms and other bugs"
When walking underneath the tree the webs
That spiders weave can catch and tickle you
And you might see a troop of marching ants
In clotted piles that make them all stand out
As they devour and cloud the rotting fruit

In times of youth in summer, we would bat
The fruits and watch as they would fall and thud
Into the muddy microcosm, but most fruits
Would sit and hang and turn a color of rot
The fruits that once were bright would look like they
Were scabbed, often turning brown or crusting grey
The freshly rotting fruits would look indented, soft
And you could hold a fruit in hand and squish
And squeeze with little force and crumble it.
The tree has been beside the plaster walls
Of my domestic dwelling growing fruits
And shedding them for years. With every glance
Toward this grapefruit tree, I would see the ground was always
Filled with fallen fruits that fell into the microcosm
And fruits would slowly meld into the wet
And living earth. And thinking now upon
I think you could drop the "and" "and fruits would slowly meld"
Fruits would slowly meld.
This tree of fruits that never cease to grow and fall it seems
That time sort of moves in circles. Still
Images like fruits that grow and fall and grow
And fall.
I see a very strong and repetitive ending emphasizing "The grow and fall" are you meaning "still images" or should there be a comma after Still?
"Still images like fruits that grow and fall and grow and fall. or Still, Images like fruits that grow and fall and grow and fall. I dont know exactly the best grammar here, it just feels like there should be a pause
or break after still. I think to if you go

"Images like fruits that grow and fall
grow and fall."

Or just end on one "grow and fall" is possible. There is a good many "and"s in the piece. I think there is a few places where you can extract them without harming the piece. But, I really don't know about blank verse and how it connects iambic pentameter. Not advanced that much yet to understand it completely so I cant really relate how taking a word out will affect it. I liked how it was visual and loaded with consistent imagery to press the point across. The capitalization of each first word in a new line could be fixed too.

Great comments, R.C. the ands are sort of padded and superfluous. Thanks for the read I'll make sure to read your writing and give you some future critiques.

[Bunx]

Don't quite know how to edit this one I'd love to hear some suggestions. Most of it is in blank verse.


A grape fruit tree aside the house is rife
With hanging fruits unpicked. Ground
Around the tree, is wet with muddy grass.
Beside the grass is moss, that houses life
And in this mud and moss a microcosm thrives
With centipedes and worms and other bugs.
When walking underneath the tree the webs
That spiders weave can catch and tickle you
And you might see a troop of marching ants
In clotted piles that make them all stand out
As they devour and cloud the rotting fruit

In times of youth in summer, we would bat
The fruits and watch as they would fall and thud
Into the muddy microcosm, but most fruits i would suggest alternating the word fruits and use different kind of fruits so the word is not repeated so much in the poem
Would sit and hang and turn a color of rot
The fruits that once were bright would look like they
Were scabbed, often turning brown or crusting grey
The freshly rotting fruits would look indented, soft
And you could hold a fruit in hand and squish
And squeeze with little force and crumble it.
The tree has been beside the plaster walls
Of my domestic dwelling growing fruits
And shedding them for years. With every glance
Toward this grapefruit tree, I would see the ground was always
Filled with fallen fruits that fell into the microcosm
And fruits would slowly meld into the wet
And living earth. And thinking now upon
This tree of fruits that never cease to grow and fall it seems
That time sort of moves in circles. Still
Images like fruits that grow and fall and grow
And fall.

the only word i think i would do in the poem is change up the repeated words.
ex: you and hold a fruit in hand in and squish
--you could hold a fungal fruit in hand and squish

i do enjoy this poem quite a bit it is a great example of self sustaining environments that symbolize the great circle of life in which we all take part.

if this were my poem i stray away from the word fruit, in could imply religious connotation that could be confusing in the context of the poem.

[Brownlie]

Don't quite know how to edit this one I'd love to hear some suggestions. Most of it is in blank verse.


A grape fruit tree aside the house is rife
With hanging fruits unpicked. Ground
Around the tree, is wet with muddy grass.
Beside the grass is moss, that houses life
And in this mud and moss a microcosm thrives
With centipedes and worms and other bugs.
When walking underneath the tree the webs
That spiders weave can catch and tickle you
And you might see a troop of marching ants
In clotted piles that make them all stand out
As they devour and cloud the rotting fruit

In times of youth in summer, we would bat
The fruits and watch as they would fall and thud
Into the muddy microcosm, but most fruits i would suggest alternating the word fruits and use different kind of fruits so the word is not repeated so much in the poem
Would sit and hang and turn a color of rot
The fruits that once were bright would look like they
Were scabbed, often turning brown or crusting grey
The freshly rotting fruits would look indented, soft
And you could hold a fruit in hand and squish
And squeeze with little force and crumble it.
The tree has been beside the plaster walls
Of my domestic dwelling growing fruits
And shedding them for years. With every glance
Toward this grapefruit tree, I would see the ground was always
Filled with fallen fruits that fell into the microcosm
And fruits would slowly meld into the wet
And living earth. And thinking now upon
This tree of fruits that never cease to grow and fall it seems
That time sort of moves in circles. Still
Images like fruits that grow and fall and grow
And fall.

the only word i think i would do in the poem is change up the repeated words.
ex: you and hold a fruit in hand in and squish
--you could hold a fungal fruit in hand and squish

i do enjoy this poem quite a bit it is a great example of self sustaining environments that symbolize the great circle of life in which we all take part.

if this were my poem i stray away from the word fruit, in could imply religious connotation that could be confusing in the context of the poem.

Wow Bunx, that was some excellent feedback. You're pretty smart. Fungal fruit is not bad. Thanks.

[Bunx]

sillyness aside, your compliment means alot from this college dropout