still I can fly (thank you Brownlie, Volaticus, and Billy)

[Heartafire]

I’m an odd bird,
clumsy and askew
with but one wing
to guide me.
Still I can fly;
I am alive.

Rustling leaves on my branch
shake my foothold.
I am sightless in shadow.
I would sweep swaths of light across the
dark but my art has forsaken me.

I’ll fly away
chiming like a bell
when the dawn ignites the sky.
I have a voice,
Can you hear me?

[Brownlie]

I'm going to edit your poem a bit I hope you don't mind. Also, birds (especially wounded birds) are prominent symbols in Chopin's The Awakening.

I’m an odd bird,
with one wing
To guide me.


Rustling leaves on my branch
shake my foothold.
I am sightless Sightless and shadow convey the same sentiment
I would sweep swaths of light across the - I would sweep swaths of light is pretty good I love yearning
dark .

I’ll fly away
chiming like a bell -- I like this line but I don't know if it is too clichéd or not
when the dawn ignites the sky.

I think the part at the end about having a voice can be expressed better by showing an action.

I rather like my edited version, but that may be because I had a hand in creating it. I thought you had some good lines but superfluous language could be trimmed.

[Volaticus]

Hi Heart,
I really enjoy your poem.
My favorite part is the first stanza. I like to read it out loud; there's a kind of 'askew' rhythm to it, which I love, and it fits well in the context.
I noticed that you capitalized "To guide me", and I wondered if that was intentional or just a typo, since the rest of your poem is only in capital letters after full stops?
Lovely poem, thanks for putting it up.
Best,
-LB

[Heartafire]

I'm going to edit your poem a bit I hope you don't mind. Also, birds (especially wounded birds) are prominent symbols in Chopin's The Awakening.

I’m an odd bird,
with one wing
To guide me.


Rustling leaves on my branch
shake my foothold.
I am sightless Sightless and shadow convey the same sentiment
I would sweep swaths of light across the - I would sweep swaths of light is pretty good I love yearning
dark .

I’ll fly away
chiming like a bell -- I like this line but I don't know if it is too clichéd or not
when the dawn ignites the sky.

I think the part at the end about having a voice can be expressed better by showing an action.

I rather like my edited version, but that may be because I had a hand in creating it. I thought you had some good lines but superfluous language could be trimmed.

Hi there, Brownlie. Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
I appreciate your suggestions very much. I must disagree regarding sightless and shadow but get your thought there. I am reviewing the
ending, perhaps I can find a better way to close this out.
best,
Heart

---

Hi Heart,
I really enjoy your poem.
My favorite part is the first stanza. I like to read it out loud; there's a kind of 'askew' rhythm to it, which I love, and it fits well in the context.
I noticed that you capitalized "To guide me", and I wondered if that was intentional or just a typo, since the rest of your poem is only in capital letters after full stops?
Lovely poem, thanks for putting it up.
Best,
-LB

Hi Volaticus, I am so glad that you enjoyed this. The cap on "To guide me" is a typo, sorry about that. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
I have been having problems logging in lately, did not mean to be this long in replying to the comments on this, just couldn't get in but
I persevered :-)(.
My best,
Heart

[billy]

I rather like my edited version, but that may be because I had a hand in creating it. I thought you had some good lines but superfluous language could be trimmed.

this is miscellaneous so i can go off topic a bit.

i just want to say, "well you would rather like your edited version of it as you say, it's your edited version"

---

i'm always wary of giving feedback in this forum, (i wonder if the poet wants it or not) but here goes nothing;

i like the poem, we go on despite life's challenges. and until our voices die we can sing. i think you could lose a few of the filler words. but that's about it. for instance, i'm presuming you're sightless in all shadows? if that's true then [help] isn't needed nor is [the] that follows it.

I’m an odd bird,
clumsy and askew
with but one wing
to guide me.
Still I can fly;
I am alive.

Rustling leaves on my branch
shake my foothold.
I am sightless here in the shadows.
I would sweep swaths of light across the
dark but my art has forsaken me.

I’ll fly away
chiming like a bell
when the dawn ignites the sky.
I have a voice,
Can you hear me?

[Heartafire]

Thanks for reading and commenting, Billy. I have made a couple of revisions to this based on your and Brownlie's suggestion.
Best,
Heart