My left-handed heart sings me my drab lullabies

[serge gurkski]

My left-handed heart sings me my drab lullabies
to kill love

but I don't want to die

spellin it the Southern way


you park your Murk- see de S? edes in the corner
you can step in sight

I park my mercedes mentality
within my dreams
just in time before
GOD blows my life's candle out.

Isn't it unfair to die?


If your heart's a buddhist mind
consider to join me
and swim through my
night-marish life.


Bring it on, baby please,
bring back life to me.


Eventually it's over
and you won't remember no more
but if you feel sad
you are welcome in my palace of absynthisence

to carve out a restroom for your mournings.

[Brownlie]

My left-handed heart sings me my drab lullabies
to kill love -- What is a left-handed heart?

but I don't want to die -- This doesn't give the reader much

spellin it the Southern way ?

you park your Murk- see de S? edes in the corner
you can step in sight

I park my mercedes mentality
within my dreams
just in time before
GOD blows my life's candle out.

Isn't it unfair to die? -- What did we do to deserve life?

If your heart's a buddhist mind
consider to join me
and swim through my
night-marish life.


Bring it on, baby please,
bring back life to me.


Eventually it's over
and you won't remember no more -- Bad grammar
but if you feel sad
you are welcome in my palace of absynthisence

to carve out a restroom for your mournings.

I was really confused by this one man

[serge gurkski]

My left-handed heart sings me my drab lullabies
to kill love -- What is a left-handed heart?

but I don't want to die -- This doesn't give the reader much

spellin it the Southern way ?

you park your Murk- see de S? edes in the corner
you can step in sight

I park my mercedes mentality
within my dreams
just in time before
GOD blows my life's candle out.

Isn't it unfair to die? -- What did we do to deserve life?

If your heart's a buddhist mind
consider to join me
and swim through my
night-marish life.


Bring it on, baby please,
bring back life to me.


Eventually it's over
and you won't remember no more -- Bad grammar
but if you feel sad
you are welcome in my palace of absynthisence

to carve out a restroom for your mournings.

I was really confused by this one man

yeah, ok. But I didn't wanna hurt you when I wrote. Can you imagine? ;-)

Cheers

I'm sorry if I unvoluntarily confused you. Feel ever so free to put the blame on me.I am not yet Jesus, but close. Please do not read me, when it hurts. ,-)

I so hope I did not confuse more by being audacious enough to respond to your whatever was supposed to be.
serge

[billy]

now now boys, keep it nice.

[tectak]

My left-handed heart sings me my drab lullabies
to kill love I can just bring my own interpretive powers to bear down in this line though it is dual-purpose. Have you considered the left/sinister connection? Etymology. Maybe obscure but you started it

but I don't want to die We shall have problems with this. You write a ramble and so on that plateau (I read to the end. Plateau is a compliment. No ups or downs in it.) I will continue. The "but" is a conditional link where no conditions are given. You could drop the word completely and that gives you the terminal freedom to ramble on to the next ramble

spellin it the Southern way ...which, being serge, you do anyway. I cannot see what this line is unless an accidental paste. Ramble on.


you park your Murk- see de S? edes in the corner
you can step in sight ...I will NOT retract. I am not concerned over your intent, serge. I expect mystery. I can only assume that your love of language causes these perfunctorial peregrinations of thought. You make it difficult to homogenise. Grasshopper. Schmetter! Squash the leaping insect in your brain. For me?

I park my mercedes mentality
within my dreams
just in time before
GOD blows my life's candle out. See? Love this stanza because it loves me. The meaning becomes subjugated by the skill in execution...that is gut,yah? So, the poem begins. Here.

Isn't it unfair to die?


If your heart's a buddhist mind If your heart serves a buddhist's mind
consider to join me consider joining me
and swim through my
night-marish life. not sure the swim metaphor works...but it is the "through" word that buggers it up. Should it be "...swim in..."? Your poem


Bring it on, baby please,
bring back life to me. The ramblin' blues lament. "Bring it on back to me" would work as a cliche to some, but "bring it on" is to invite a threat fullfillment, for everyone. This is not what you mean to say,is it?


Eventually it's over
and you won't remember no more Vernacular. Intentional? You are still Blind Lemon Chitterlin' on the mouth harp!
but if you feel sad
you are welcome in my palace of absynthisence Oh yeh? And absy(i)nthe will take away your sadness...I would like absence or absin(y)the but not both. It does not work except on this plateau...again, your poem. Leave it and go home happy.

to carve out a restroom for your mournings. How tempted can a man of your wordy experience be by that old morning mourning thing...or were you?

Hi serge,
All said, you could pull this round. You have pathos, bathos and brownlie on your side. How could it fail?
Yes to workshopping but you have to chisel away at a very big rock. The risk is that you already have and you are now posting the chippings. I can't tell.
Very Best,
tectak

[billy]

i'll be gentle with you if you're gentile with me

this is my 2nd time giving feedback on this, i deleted my last one by accident

i like the honky tonk theme you've threaded through the poem serge, it feels like the 1st person is in his cups (drunk) and lamenting his loss is all he has. what i like about your poetry is the way you try and break the sides of the box. though sometimes it doesn't work, this one reads okay but has a couple of niggles.
thanks for the read

My left-handed heart sings me my drab lullabies
to kill love, nice way of establishing duality. good bad happy sad, funny how it's always the left does the nasty stuff.

but I don't want to die

spellin it the Southern way not sure this line adds anything


you park your Murk- see de S? edes in the corner
you can step in sight love the dialect.

I park my mercedes mentality
within my dreams
just in time before
GOD blows my life's candle out.this line's actually quite powerful, it's like a transference of blame

Isn't it unfair to die? yes though not for some


If your heart's a buddhist mind
consider to join me
and swim through my
night-marish life. nightmarish


Bring it on, baby please,
bring back life to me. quotation marks would perk these two lines up and make them real.


Eventually it's over
and you won't remember no more
but if you feel sad
you are welcome in my palace of absynthisence a good image that shows how you can't let go even if it kills you.

to carve out a restroom for your mournings. to image continues

[serge gurkski]

billy: to quote you

"this is my 2nd time giving feedback on this, i deleted my last one by accident "

You're not gonna blame that on me I hope. ;-)

Thank you for reading me.
I did not get this:
"
to carve out a restroom for your mournings. to image continues"
what do you mean?
Oh wait lt me put it poshier:

Would ypoem just fell out of my heart iou be so kind and care to instruct me
in what way I could best imporove my ladt line?

Or to put a tad more colloquial:
what the fuck do you mean. ;-))


This my poem just fell out of my heart a sea of blood


into your voice (obviously)

cheers

and you know what: Tomtec makes it worse mentioning dentists on a sunday!

Does this man have no heart at all?

Whsatevr: should anything happen to me t night (bc I ll be fishing for gals)
I can blame it now on Tom: perfect scapegoat.

And on a serious note: Ann Sexton's death poem (death is her lover)I will right now try to find onlne.
Otherwise I ll scan it bc I have the book.
I

---

bingo:

Here it is billy:

http://www.depressiontribe.com/groups/vi...-Door-Open

[R.C. KITCHENS]

My left-handed heart sings me my drab lullabies
to kill love
from what I hear, there is a condition referred to as "left handed heart" in the medical field, as in the meaning that it is in backwards. The arteries and veins that go normally over the front of the heart goes over the back of the heart and the ones that are suppose to be in the back, are in the front. I don't know exactly know what you imply with left handed heart except what I think it may mean, that your heart is backwards and instead of singing with happiness and bringing about love, that it does the complete opposite.
but I don't want to die

spellin it the Southern way Don't really see the significance of this line, except, for the spelling of mercedes thereafter.

you park your Murk- see de S? edes in the corner
you can step in sight

I park my mercedes mentality
within my dreams
just in time before
GOD blows my life's candle out. I like this part very well
Isn't it unfair to die?


If your heart's a buddhist mindAgree with TecTak, "If your heart serves a buddhist's mind" speaks more affluently.
consider to join me
and swim through my
night-marish life.
Agree with Billy, "nightmarish"

Bring it on, baby please,
bring back life to me.


Eventually it's over
and you won't remember no more
but if you feel sad
you are welcome in my palace of absynthisence

to carve out a restroom for your mournings.

I quite like the piece.

[serge gurkski]

yes
i ll edit accordingly (heart serves! a buddhist mind..


left handed means (as a metaphor) clumsy. Could have just as well written (charlie) chaplinesque. Do you get what I am trying to say;

Or Buster Keaton-ish. ,-) http://youtu.be/LWEo4M8nZQQ

thank you both for commenting! very much appreciated.

cheers serge waltzing his slapstick soul into his Stormy Monday.

[tectak]

yes
i ll edit accordingly (heart serves! a buddhist mind..


left handed means (as a metaphor) clumsy. Could have just as well written (charlie) chaplinesque. Do you get what I am trying to say;

Or Buster Keaton-ish. ,-) http://youtu.be/LWEo4M8nZQQ

thank you both for commenting! very much appreciated.

cheers serge waltzing his slapstick soul into his Stormy Monday.

Hi serge,
"left -handed" heart is very good if you pretend you knew the Latin for the condition-sinister (sinistra)
Best,
Tom

---

My left-handed heart sings me my drab lullabies
to kill love
from what I hear, there is a condition referred to as "left handed heart" in the medical field, as in the meaning that it is in backwards. The arteries and veins that go normally over the front of the heart goes over the back of the heart and the ones that are suppose to be in the back, are in the front. I don't know exactly know what you imply with left handed heart except what I think it may mean, that your heart is backwards and instead of singing with happiness and bringing about love, that it does the complete opposite.
but I don't want to die

spellin it the Southern way Don't really see the significance of this line, except, for the spelling of mercedes thereafter.

you park your Murk- see de S? edes in the corner
you can step in sight

I park my mercedes mentality
within my dreams
just in time before
GOD blows my life's candle out. I like this part very well
Isn't it unfair to die?


If your heart's a buddhist mindAgree with TecTak, "If your heart serves a buddhist's mind" speaks more affluently. Thanks but fluently is the word
consider to join me
and swim through my
night-marish life.
Agree with Billy, "nightmarish"

Bring it on, baby please,
bring back life to me.


Eventually it's over
and you won't remember no more
but if you feel sad
you are welcome in my palace of absynthisence

to carve out a restroom for your mournings.

I quite like the piece.

[serge gurkski]

I just lost (deleted lol) the whole poem. Haha dammit.

I totally agree with what my friend Tome remarked. He is correct. cheers

(thing is I am writing a giat poem right now, so I must leave this one )it not benig there anyway anymore) as is.

(I am glad that Tom cited it in his dritique: that is my last chance to save it some how later maybe ;-)))))))))))


Tom by the way sometimes can look like that:




cheers

serge