Lost

[brynmawr1]

So it has been pretty quiet lately so I thought I would put this one up to give everyone something to do for five minutes or so.  I wrote it awhile ago and kind of forgot about it.  It has gone through a few formats and this is the one I like the most, believe it or not.  I put it in basic cause I don't want anyone thinking too hard about it, unless compelled, then hack away.  Almost forgot the rule of putting the title in the post!


Lost

Always
            the broad light pushing
apart our
            shining dome of sky, ringing
vertigo of curving
            horizon; suffered my eyes
in its din of bright.
 
Dim of dusk
            is where I find you
at the end, what
            is there but night
its promise
            holding close, hands
cupped round
            not to smother
but to banish those
            hobgoblins of day
beyond a campfire’s ring.
 

Let the thick dark fall,
            earthen and wet
to blanket us in
            a simple child’s fort
lit, now within
            my sky the blurred blue
of your eyes, my horizon
            the curve of your smile
everything now
            as close as a kiss.
 

How we laugh
            at the parallax,
the shifting perspective
            between
camera one and camera two;
            Time fumbling
about having lost our knowing
            hands still finding
their own way.
 
Scant the warning; that tingle
            on the nape
of the horizon.  Dawn gathering on
            its haunches, hungry
for dreams, again
            dying
on tomorrow’s brightening lips.

[dukealien]

Lost


Always   not to overthink, but is "[A]lways" the best way to start when you're going to rotate through the times of day?
            the broad light pushing
apart our
            shining dome of sky, ringing
vertigo of curving
            horizon; suffered my eyes  perhaps "deafened" to go with "din?"  (And, incidentally, fit with "Dim" below.)
in its din of bright.
 
Dim of dusk
            is where I find you
at the end, what
            is there but night
its promise
            holding close, hands
cupped round
            not to smother
but to banish those
            hobgoblins of day  nice contrast, hobgoblins being normally (?) creatures of darkness
beyond a campfire’s ring.   
 

Let the thick dark fall,
            earthen and wet  "earthen" is nice - on the shading side of the planet
to blanket us in
            a simple child’s fort
lit, now within
            my sky the blurred blue  good, appropriate use of "the"
of your eyes, my horizon
            the curve of your smile but could another word serve her instead?
everything now
            as close as a kiss.  good alliteration
 

How we laugh
            at the parallax,
the shifting perspective
            between
camera one and camera two;
            Time fumbling  lower case "t," I think - Time is not being personified in the rest of the phrase, is It?
about having lost our knowing
            hands still finding
their own way.
 
Scant the warning; that tingle  "the" feels dated here - "our," perhaps?
            on the nape
of the horizon.  Dawn gathering on  "gathers," perhaps, even "gathers low"
            its haunches, hungry
for dreams, again
            dying  bringing "on" up to the end of this line might be interesting
on tomorrow’s brightening lips.

See above for a few suggestions.  This is generally pleasant and the halting (in a good way) line breaks and serried margins are effective.

I have a little trouble with the campfire's ring.  I see the conventional ring/circle of stones immediately around the fire but I think you mean the boundary where its light fades.  But I have no suggestion for a replacement - "disk" and "circle" won't do.

Nicely done.

[Erthona]

If the alternating tab un-tab lines are suppose to be the ticking of the clock it is a clever device, but i am not sure it works as it makes the reading much harder...at least for me. In most cases the pause it creates doesn't appear to accomplish much, for me it was distracting and interrupted the reading, making it bumpy where it should have read smoothly in most instances.

"Let the thick dark fall,
earthen and wet
to blanket us in
a simple child’s fort"
This to me sounded like you were being buried. Sometimes we are to clever for our own good. The "thick dark" seems to call for something, but " earthen and wet" doesn't seem to be the answer. They just don't seem to fit together.

"Scant the warning; that tingle
on the nape
of the horizon."

I get this is supposed to be an extended metaphor, but you seem to bounce between the metaphor and the reality, not really doing good service to both. Such as:

"my sky the blurred blue
of your eyes, my horizon
the curve of your smile
everything now
as close as a kiss."
Here you are no longer talking about the earth as romantic companion, now you are talking about your romantic companion having aspects of the earth/sky. Do you see the difference?

I can see that you have worked hard on this, romantic poetry is never easy and I commend your effort try new ways to express this sentiment. Keep up the good work,

best,

dale

[brynmawr1]

Lost


Always   not to overthink, but is "[A]lways" the best way to start when you're going to rotate through the times of day? Not times of day but dichotomy of day and night.  I need to make that more clear earlier, I think.
            the broad light pushing
apart our
            shining dome of sky, ringing
vertigo of curving
            horizon; suffered my eyes  perhaps "deafened" to go with "din?"  (And, incidentally, fit with "Dim" below.)  How about 'muted'?
in its din of bright.
 
Dim of dusk
            is where I find you
at the end, what
            is there but night
its promise
            holding close, hands
cupped round
            not to smother
but to banish those
            hobgoblins of day  nice contrast, hobgoblins being normally (?) creatures of darkness
beyond a campfire’s ring.   
 

Let the thick dark fall,
            earthen and wet  "earthen" is nice - on the shading side of the planet
to blanket us in
            a simple child’s fort
lit, now within
            my sky the blurred blue  good, appropriate use of "the"
of your eyes, my horizon
            the curve of your smile but could another word serve her instead?  Do you mean the 'the'?  have to think on that.
everything now
            as close as a kiss.  good alliteration
 

How we laugh
            at the parallax,
the shifting perspective
            between
camera one and camera two;
            Time fumbling  lower case "t," I think - Time is not being personified in the rest of the phrase, is It?  Actually it is but I did a little bait and switch in the middle of the phrase that is too much/confusing.  I tend to layer too much in my phrasing at times.
about having lost our knowing
            hands still finding
their own way.
 
Scant the warning; that tingle  "the" feels dated here - "our," perhaps?  Yes, good suggestion
            on the nape
of the horizon.  Dawn gathering on  "gathers," perhaps, even "gathers low"  Also good suggestions
            its haunches, hungry
for dreams, again
            dying  bringing "on" up to the end of this line might be interesting  Again!
on tomorrow’s brightening lips.

See above for a few suggestions.  This is generally pleasant and the halting (in a good way) line breaks and serried margins are effective.

I have a little trouble with the campfire's ring.  I see the conventional ring/circle of stones immediately around the fire but I think you mean the boundary where its light fades.  But I have no suggestion for a replacement - "disk" and "circle" won't do.   You are correct.  Maybe 'halo'?  has some connotations; good-bad?

Nicely done.

Hi Duke,
Glad you liked it.  Thanks for you thoughtful suggestions.  I will work them into the next draft.
Take care,
Bryn

---

If the alternating tab un-tab lines are suppose to be the ticking of the clock it is a clever device, but i am not sure it works as it makes the reading much harder...at least for me. In most cases the pause it creates doesn't appear to accomplish much, for me it was distracting and interrupted the reading, making it bumpy where it should have read smoothly in most instances.

"Let the thick dark fall,
            earthen and wet
to blanket us in
            a simple child’s fort"
This to me sounded like you were being buried. Sometimes we are to clever for our own good. The "thick dark" seems to call for something, but " earthen and wet" doesn't seem to be the answer. They just don't seem to fit together.

"Scant the warning; that tingle
            on the nape
of the horizon."

I get this is supposed to be an extended metaphor, but you seem to bounce between the metaphor and the reality, not really doing good service to both. Such as:

"my sky the blurred blue
of your eyes, my horizon
            the curve of your smile
everything now
            as close as a kiss."
Here you are no longer talking about the earth as romantic companion, now you are talking about your romantic companion having aspects of the earth/sky. Do you see the difference?

I can see that you have worked hard on this, romantic poetry is never easy and I commend your effort try new ways to express this sentiment. Keep up the good work,

best,

dale

Hi Dale,
Thanks for making such detailed comments.  You have alerted me to some points of confusion that I hadn't intended.  The whole piece is really just about how the narrator can really only find their paramour at day's end when the world narrows and the dark makes the world small enough.  I will work to hone that message.
Take care,
Bryn