contaminating

[billy]

I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and relaxed
bladder valve unleashing;
the gush of a full tank.
There was no profundity,
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
with purpose, to gain some sense of achievement
a young lad astride his stallion.

"Look at me pissing, yes pissing!
In your swimming pool."

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home.
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed, or smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says

"cough,"

before sighing.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.

---

1st edit with the help of all who gave feedback (also capped Look on the advice of AJ)

---

original;

contaminating

I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and opened up the bladder valve.
It's a great feeling unleashing;
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity.
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
there was purpose, a sense of achievement
a young lad astride his stallion.

"look at me pissing, yes pissing"

In your swimming pool.

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home.
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says

"cough,"

and sighs.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.

[Brownlie]

Maybe you can find some synonyms for piss. This poem seems rife with undercurrents that I think can be drawn out. I don't think the subject of the poem is drawn out enough. I hope you edit this poem more to see what it can turn into.

I pissed in the bathwater, -- When did you piss in bathwater? Who is this narrator is he young or old?
lay back and opened up the bladder valve.
It's a great feeling unleashing; -- It is a great feeling especially after you've had to hold it in for a long time.
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity.-- Why was there no profundity?I've pissed in cold swimming pools - Maybe you could describe the incident where the narrator pissed in the swimming pool. What was the water like?
there was purpose, a sense of achievement --Why did that cause a sense of achievement
a young lad astride his stallion.

"look at me pissing, yes pissing"

In your swimming pool. -Bastard!

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home. -- You could write a whole poem about a matron inspecting scabies. I would be very interested to read about that.
Turned out she liked inspecting balls -- I get the feeling this is alluding to something dark it could be my imagination. If it's not I like dark
as much as I like pool pissing

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest
your hands on her stout shoulders -This is a good line
and cough as she says

"cough,"

and sighs.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards, -- I really like these first two lines in this stanza, but you may want to get rid of the word piss here unless you are talking about wetting the bed. "Bare Floorboards." seems evocative.
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss. -- You repeat a lot of words sometimes that works but you could try using new words just to see what you can come up with.

This poem seems fragmented as it sits, but I think it would be fruitful for you to edit this poem and draw out some details and fully explain some of the things you're trying to describe. I tried my best with your poem, hopefully my comments weren't too far off the mark. Everybody on the site should comment on this poem, because you always do your part.

[Bunx]

oh gal, this made me giggle. i think piss is sterile? right?
contaminating
I pissed in the bathwater, been there
lay back and opened up the bladder valve.
It's a great feeling unleashing; glorious
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity. everyone pees
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
there was purpose, a sense of achievement
a young lad astride his stallion.

"look at me pissing, yes pissing"

In your swimming pool.

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home.
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says

"cough,"

and sighs.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.

brisco pees on my life nothing is more sterile

[cidermaid]

contaminating
I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and opened up the bladder valve.
It's a great feeling unleashing;
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity.
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
there was purpose, a sense of achievement The syntax of this line feels a little off to me, (I've pissed...there was purpose), but I'm not brilliant at this so perhaps wait n see if anyone else mentions this.
a young lad astride his stallion. Great image...as spoken from the voice of a boy turning young man.

"look at me pissing, yes pissing" I almost want an exclamation mark to have been used for the repeat

In your swimming pool. Feels like this should be included in the indented speech above

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home. This and line above - brilliant
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly, Fascinating idea / theory (that I’ve not come across before – I’m assuming it’s a small boy thing)…makes for good detail.
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest Matron fragrantly smelly?!- not that I noticed, but perhaps in your world matrons come in a different flavour to the ones I knew…I get a mental pic of the character (Granville) from “open all hours” resting his head in the bosoms of Nurse Gladys Emanuel, type thing going on during chesty cough inspection. Very amusing.
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says

"cough,"

and sighs.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.

The final stanza has an altogether darker and sadder tone than the others. It almost feels like it belongs to a different poem. The main block of the poem reads as the voice of small boy’s version of a piss take on authority; this then also with an older voice of hindsight into the juvenile (self) period of sexual experimentation. The combined effect for me (& the feed in from the title) produced the sense that this was a backwards glance at childhood behaviour and within this some dark days that were toughed out with exceptional character and inner strength…& now these times have been put into a healthy perspective and can be laughed at. (The last stanza feels too raw to be part of this).

As usual a highly original and entertaining read from you.
Hope the comments are of some help or at least interesting AJ.

[billy]

This poem seems fragmented as it sits, but I think it would be fruitful for you to edit this poem and draw out some details and fully explain some of the things you're trying to describe. I tried my best with your poem, hopefully my comments weren't too far off the mark. Everybody on the site should comment on this poem, because you always do your part.

thanks for the feedback, (i'd be much happier if everyone went and gave feedback on other peoples poetry)

---

contaminating
I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and opened up the bladder valve.
It's a great feeling unleashing;
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity.
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
there was purpose, a sense of achievement The syntax of this line feels a little off to me, (I've pissed...there was purpose), but I'm not brilliant at this so perhaps wait n see if anyone else mentions this.
a young lad astride his stallion. Great image...as spoken from the voice of a boy turning young man.

"look at me pissing, yes pissing" I almost want an exclamation mark to have been used for the repeat

In your swimming pool. Feels like this should be included in the indented speech above

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home. This and line above - brilliant
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly, Fascinating idea / theory (that I’ve not come across before – I’m assuming it’s a small boy thing)…makes for good detail.
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest Matron fragrantly smelly?!- not that I noticed, but perhaps in your world matrons come in a different flavour to the ones I knew…I get a mental pic of the character (Granville) from “open all hours” resting his head in the bosoms of Nurse Gladys Emanuel, type thing going on during chesty cough inspection. Very amusing.
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says

"cough,"

and sighs.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.

The final stanza has an altogether darker and sadder tone than the others. It almost feels like it belongs to a different poem. The main block of the poem reads as the voice of small boy’s version of a piss take on authority; this then also with an older voice of hindsight into the juvenile (self) period of sexual experimentation. The combined effect for me (& the feed in from the title) produced the sense that this was a backwards glance at childhood behaviour and within this some dark days that were toughed out with exceptional character and inner strength…& now these times have been put into a healthy perspective and can be laughed at. (The last stanza feels too raw to be part of this).

As usual a highly original and entertaining read from you.
Hope the comments are of some help or at least interesting AJ.

who said youi can't give feedback
yeah i think you're right about the 'your swimming pool' line, and right about the last stanza being darker. and yes again to the gladys image of a matron. (though mine was a bit more pervy )

i'll think of the other suggestions you gave when i make an edit
same with the feedback of of the others who replied, thanks for taking the time to read

[R.C. KITCHENS]

I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and opened up the bladder valve.
It's a great feeling unleashing;
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity.
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
there was purpose, a sense of achievement
I;m left wondering what purpose there was, it is the only thing so far that sticks out to me making me wonder..

a young lad astride his stallion.

"look at me pissing, yes pissing"

In your swimming pool.

I agree with cidermaid,I think "In your swimming pool" should follow right under "look at me pissing, yes pissing" An exclamation after pissing seems like it'd add to the excitement one would get off doing such a deed .

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home.
ahha ha
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing
ahha ha

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says

"cough,"
good imagery here
and sighs.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.
I like the ending and get what its referencing, it stays with the tone set. Also, what brownlie referenced about maybe finding another word for piss in the last few lines, you could use urine, But piss seems to centralize very well to me.

I like the rawness of the piece. I was only left wondering about "there was purpose" of pissing in pools. lol. I dont know if I would switch around to much words within it. Good read.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback RC will think about everything said when i do an edit

[tectak]

I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and opened up the bladder valve.
It's a great feeling unleashing;
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity.
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
there was purpose, a sense of achievement
a young lad astride his stallion.

"look at me pissing, yes pissing"

In your swimming pool.

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home.
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says

"cough,"

and sighs.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.

Hi billy,
Not my cup of tea, this one. I am more into piss-taking.
Best,
tectak

[Keith]

I pissed in the bathwater, great topic I'm in...well so to speak.
lay back and opened up the bladder valve. this and L4 are too mechanical that muscle push ahhhh moment is more organic and of the body, hope i'm making sense.
It's a great feeling unleashing;
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity.
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
there was purpose, a sense of achievement I like the contrast to no profundity
a young lad astride his stallion. nice image

"look at me pissing, yes pissing" language matches the image rely well
In your swimming pool. 'your' make this personal not sure why ? surely it would have been a municipal so 'the'
Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home.
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing nice intro to matron we have her card now

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says this brings back memories drop and cough
"cough,"

and sighs. there she is again nice

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss. I like the shift in mood and the place you take us it makes things feel more real less fun

very much enjoyed this one well balance light and dark only a couple of nits for me. Best TOMH

[billy]

thanks for the feedback Keith

---

if anyone sees a post they think needs reporting, just report,

no need to fill the thread with complaints.

[billy]

I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and relaxed
bladder valve unleashing;
the gush of a full tank.
There was no profundity,
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
with purpose, to gain some sense of achievement
a young lad astride his stallion.

"Look at me pissing, yes pissing!
In your swimming pool."

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home.
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed, or smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says

"cough,"

before sighing.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.

---

1st edit with the help of all who gave feedback

[Brownlie]

It's good to see you editing this. I will make comments, but ultimately your work is your own.

I pissed in the bathwater, -- When did this occur?
lay back and relaxed
bladder valve unleashing;
the gush of a full tank.
There was no profundity,-- Why was there no profundity?
I've pissed in cold swimming pools -- You're repeating the word pissed quite a bit. You might gain something if you look up some synonyms and experiment with them
with purpose, to gain some sense of achievement
a young lad astride his stallion. -- I get the sense of a man talking about his rebellious past.

"look at me pissing, yes pissing!
In your swimming pool." -- This kind of seems like someone saying Fuck you! I'm going to soil your shit.

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron --When you mention the matron and her scabies inspection I believe is when your poem is strongest.
on scabies inspection in the kids home. -- I want to hear more about the kids home, most people don't know what it is like in those places.
Turned out she liked inspecting balls -- Now this sounds like molestation, but I could be imagining that. That is a hard topic to write about and I may be acting like an asshole for even mentioning it, but if you are alluding to a traumatic experience or corruption in the Kid's home I'd like to hear more.
as much as I like pool pissing -- Again we repeat pissing. The repetition could be good if you are trying to achieve a reaction based off the repetition but I still think you should consider finding some synonyms.

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed, or smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest -- Maybe smelling instead of smelly?
your hands on her stout shoulders -- More description of the matron could produce some memorable lines, but you would have to do some experimenting to see if that would work or not.
and cough as she says

"cough,"

before sighing.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards, -- I still think Bare floorboards is evocative.
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.

---

1st edit with the help of all who gave feedback

---

original;

contaminating

I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and opened up the bladder valve.
It's a great feeling unleashing;
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity.
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
there was purpose, a sense of achievement
a young lad astride his stallion.

"look at me pissing, yes pissing"

In your swimming pool.

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home.
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says

"cough,"

and sighs.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.

I'll say again this is your work and not mine and you're the only one who knows what you're trying to communicate, but I want to hear more about the kid's home, I would also like more description of the Matron. Your sentiments of pissing in swimming pools seems rebellious. Why is the narrator so angry at the status quo? I hope I don't sound like a jack ass saying this, but don't be afraid of being remorselessly autobiographical. I took a creative non-fiction class and the emotional response that can be achieved can be quite powerful. If you or the narrator lived in a kid's home I'd like more of the setting like "ammoniac smelling bare floor boards." I hope you keep writing and I hope you don't let fear hold you back from taking risks. I'm not sure if this post will help you or not but I hope it does.

[cidermaid]

Still loving this poem. Had a look and only found a couple of very small question marks.

I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and relaxed
bladder valve unleashing;
the gush of a full tank.
There was no profundity,
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
with purpose, to gain some sense of achievement does with purpose work as hard as it should here. ? gaining a sense of achievment, might offer the same sentiment in less words.
a young lad astride his stallion.

"look at me pissing, yes pissing! Cap L for Look.
In your swimming pool."

Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home. My fav two lines - brilliant.
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing

I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed, or smelly,
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest Should it be... fragrantly smelly
your hands on her stout shoulders Love the detail - I see her - built like a brick outhouse!
and cough as she says

"cough,"

before sighing.

I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback aj.

you could be right about the purpose line, fragrantly would normally be the word of choice but frangrant does something for me and yep with the L, i'll change that one now