The lonely[original poem]

[masdor79]

I've been working on getting back into writing again in order to get my creative juices flowing again. This is an original poem I wrote awhile back.

The Lonely[Title]


I walk through rain-soaked streets
Underneath the foggy glow of street lights
To seek refuge in the nocturnal hideouts of the lonely


Sleazy motels with neon lights
Single tables in the corner of late-night cafes
flirting with the waitress with the blood-shot eyes
Listening to the same-old-love song playing on the jukebox
reminiscing about memories past, staring at the remains of the wine in my wine glass..

I lay in my bed and feel the coldness of the sheets between my skin,
The frigid air blasting me like the gust of wind from a thousand door slams
I don’t dream..
I’m wide awake
My eyes stare into the puppet show of shadow and light on the walls
A kaleidoscope of images formed from the Shiva-like dance of streetlights and star-glow
It is time to go….
Throw on some pants and an t-shirt
Answer the questions of loneliness that await beyond the door

[R.C. KITCHENS]

I've been working on getting back into writing again in order to get my creative juices flowing again. This is an original poem I wrote awhile back.

The Lonely[Title]


I walk through rain-soaked streets
Underneath the foggy glow of street lights
To seek refuge in the nocturnal hideouts of the lonely

I see "street" used twice in first two lines. I think it would
take some emphasis away from the word if you could find
another way to put it.

Sleazy motels with neon lights
Single tables in the corner of late-night cafes
flirting with the waitress with the blood-shot eyes

I think you could do away with a "with" maybe say something
like "flirting with the waitress who has blood shot eyes"

Listening to the same-old-love song playing on the jukebox
reminiscing about memories past, staring at the remains of the wine in my wine glass..

you refer to "the wine" which makes me wonder what the wine is, maybe you could see how it looks without "the" in there.

I lay in my bed and feel the coldness of the sheets between my skin,
The frigid air blasting me like the gust of wind from a thousand door slams
I don’t dream..

Quick transition ... I believe "a thousand door slams" is obcessive. feel like you get the point across with " like the gust of wind from a door slam"

I’m wide awake
My eyes stare into the puppet show of shadow and light on the walls
A kaleidoscope of images formed from the Shiva-like dance of streetlights and star-glow
It is time to go….
Throw on some pants and an t-shirt
Answer the questions of loneliness that await beyond the door

I feel like this is a person who is so lonely that it affects there sleep. The transition from the cafe to the bedroom was really quick and seemed like something was missing between. All in all, a fairly good poem.[/quote]