First poem written after a long hiatus... here we go... all critiques welcome... really need help getting back in the game.
Can I give mummy her present?
Please daddy.
Can I give mummy her present?
There she is!
Can I, can I, can I?
Daddy help me it’s big.
HAPPY MUMMY’S DAY.
Mummy why’s my buggy in here?
But it’s mine.
I’m not too old,
and I can stand on it, watch.
Mummy watch.
Mummy!
See I’m standing.
Bet I can do it without holding on.
I won’t fall.
Mummy my arm hurts really bad.
Posts: 8
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2013
I feel like I don't quite understand this completely, and that the poem could have continued a bit longer to clarify. I sense it has to do with the resistance of growing up perhaps? Maybe it has to do with the speaker's on-going struggle to earn attention from the his/her mother?
Also there should be a comma in place after "Mummy" in the 8th line
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
okay, i laughed at the end so it was worth the read.
does it constitute poetry, i suppose so, though personally i think it's struggling to. i do like how you move from mum's day to making it about you (the baby) i have no suggestions as to how to make it better poetry. you could do something with the layout of the thing though separate some of the lines. it's fun but it's also pure narration
(06-15-2013, 02:51 AM)NikkiRHCOG Wrote: First poem written after a long hiatus... here we go... all critiques welcome... really need help getting back in the game.
Can I give mummy her present?
Please daddy.
Can I give mummy her present?
There she is!
Can I, can I, can I?
Daddy help me it’s big.
HAPPY MUMMY’S DAY.
Mummy why’s my buggy in here?
But it’s mine.
I’m not too old,
and I can stand on it, watch.
Mummy watch.
Mummy!
See I’m standing.
Bet I can do it without holding on.
I won’t fall.
Mummy my arm hurts really bad.
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(06-15-2013, 02:51 AM)NikkiRHCOG Wrote: First poem written after a long hiatus... here we go... all critiques welcome... really need help getting back in the game.
Can I give mummy her present?
Please daddy.
Can I give mummy her present?
There she is!
Can I, can I, can I?
Daddy help me it’s big.
HAPPY MUMMY’S DAY.
Mummy why’s my buggy in here?
But it’s mine.
I’m not too old,
and I can stand on it, watch.
Mummy watch.
Mummy!
See I’m standing.
Bet I can do it without holding on.
I won’t fall.
Mummy my arm hurts really bad.
I like the flow of the piece, I think some imagery could add to it, but as it sits I see it more as comical releif than poetry driven. I dont know where I could help you out with this piece.
