Whiskey Epiphany (revised)

[Charlesjoseph]

Whiskey Epiphany (3rd revision)

Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to rattle my soul.

And although I feel like a tree
That has been hollowed out into a canoe
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

Naked on the bathroom floor,
Covered in my own fluids, I uncovered
A man afraid to die

Thank you Todd and Stephanie for your posts.
Chazz

[Todd]

Some nice parts in here. I think to make it more effective and less "inspirational poster" you need to do a few cuts. Some suggestions below on cuts to consider as well as some comments[/b]

With the poison still fresh on my breath,
I have once again eluded death.--Too leading and gives away too much too early

Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to speak to my soul.--this is cool. It makes a good opening. It's strong imagery. I like soul here but it gets overused in poetry so I wouldn't reference it later

And although I feel like a tree--You probably don't need "I feel"
that has been hollowed out like a canoe.--The two layered likes push it a bit maybe substitute the second like with "into"
I have acquired great knowledge,
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.--I like excavated pulp. This all works well for me

When my moment of clarity arrived,
I was lying naked on the bathroom floor.--No issues. I think the stark shift pops pretty well.

Covered in my own fluids,
I uncovered a soul that was afraid to die.--I don't think this deserves it's own strophe. Consider connecting it to the one above. I would also steer away from the second use of soul. Maybe simply, "and was afraid to die."

And although its voice was gentle,
It paused the violence of my alcoholic episode,--flat reporting
And from somewhere deep in my flesh,
It opened a box of screaming spirit wisdom.--I actually think this could also be merged above, these two lines below fluids. Change it to I if you remove soul above and probably end it with the line above "and was afraid to die[/b]

Each message an epiphany:

"YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!"

"STOP WASTING YOUR GIFT!"

"BE BEAUTIFUL!"

Awake and alive,
I will now try to heed the scream.--too blatant and telling

Ok so lets see the comments on this one..... Chazz

Hope that helps some.


Best,

Todd

[Charlesjoseph]

Hey Todd,
thanks for the help & input. Here's what I came up with using your advice. I tried a few things here, let me know what you think.
Chazz

Whiskey Epiphany

With the poison fresh on my breath,
I have once again eluded death.

Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to rattle my soul.

And although I feel like a tree,
that has been hollowed out into a canoe,
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

When my moment of clarity arrived,
I was lying naked on the bathroom floor.
Covered in my own fluids, I uncovered
(a man afraid to die.)

Awake and alive,
I will try to heed his screams.

[Stephanie]

With the poison still fresh on my breath,
I have once again eluded death. - I like the first line, it's a strong image for me but the second seems a bit too factual in comparison.

Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to speak to my soul. - I like these lines, it speaks of a sharp spiritual experience.

And although I feel like a tree - could maybe start with just Like a tree
that has been hollowed out like a canoe. - feels a bit too much - maybe just like a hollowed tree
I have acquired great knowledge,
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor. - I am not totally clear on these lines, you have learned from being hollowed out I think, the endeavor word throws me here, it speaks of hard work when this poem seems to be about self destruction and coming out the other side of that.

When my moment of clarity arrived,
I was lying naked on the bathroom floor. - I think I am naked on the bathroom floor would be enough, I would assume you were lying there if you are on the floor.

Covered in my own fluids,
I uncovered a soul that was afraid to die. - I like the cover/uncover , I think you could cut that was

And although its voice was gentle,
It paused the violence of my alcoholic episode, - very wordy here, I think you could trim this and alcoholic episode sounds a bit like medical talk rather than the spiritual feel you have else where.
And from somewhere deep in my flesh,
It opened a box of screaming spirit wisdom. - I wonder if a change in tense would make this more immediate. e.g deep within my flesh a box of screaming wisdom opened?

Each message an epiphany:

"YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!"

"STOP WASTING YOUR GIFT!"

"BE BEAUTIFUL!"

Awake and alive,
I will now try to heed the scream. - The end of this reads a bit to much like MESSAGE!!! to me.

Thanks, this is an interesting subject.

[Todd]

This is better. You may want to place this version above your first post in an edit marked with Revision, so people know to comment on it. Let me give you a few thoughts on the revision.

Hey Todd,
thanks for the help & input. Here's what I came up with using your advice. I tried a few things here, let me know what you think.
Chazz

Whiskey Epiphany

With the poison fresh on my breath,
I have once again eluded death.--If you want to keep these lines please consider reversing the order with the next two lines. Those below would make a better opening

Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to rattle my soul.

And although I feel like a tree,
that has been hollowed out into a canoe,
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

When my moment of clarity arrived,
I was lying naked on the bathroom floor.
Covered in my own fluids, I uncovered
(a man afraid to die.)--I don't know what the parentheses adds

Awake and alive,
I will try to heed his screams.--try to heed isn't that strong of a finish. I think ending on afraid to die is stronger, but that's just an opinion.

It's a step forward.

Best,

Todd

[SirBrendan]

This is definitely a strong example of a poem getting stronger by reducing. It's looking really solid now and I'm liking plenty of the elements. Of what remains, there's really only one slight critique I can offer

And although I feel like a tree
That has been hollowed out into a canoe
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

--could better be--

And although I am a tree
That has been hollowed to be a canoe
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

--or--


And although I am a tree
That has been made a canoe ---- this might work better just because it makes the reader place in 'hollowed out' for them self. Engagement like this is good, me thinks
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.


Like some of the other critics here, I'm not sure it needs 'feel like'.

[Charlesjoseph]

This is definitely a strong example of a poem getting stronger by reducing. It's looking really solid now and I'm liking plenty of the elements. Of what remains, there's really only one slight critique I can offer

And although I feel like a tree
That has been hollowed out into a canoe
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

--could better be--

And although I am a tree
That has been hollowed to be a canoe
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

--or--


And although I am a tree
That has been made a canoe ---- this might work better just because it makes the reader place in 'hollowed out' for them self. Engagement like this is good, me thinks
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.


Like some of the other critics here, I'm not sure it needs 'feel like'.

Not trying to fight the system here but the "feel like" Works because during my massive week long hangover. I ACTUALLY felt hollowed out like a canoe. (Holy shit i put the truth in my work) But don't worry Brendan Chazz gave up on the bottle for good, gonna be 40 soon, this midlife shit is for the birds
Cheers
Chazz

[Keith]

Whiskey Epiphany (3rd revision)

Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to rattle my soul.

And although I feel like a tree
That has been hollowed out into a canoe
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

Naked on the bathroom floor,
Covered in my own fluids, I uncovered
A man afraid to die

Thank you Todd and Stephanie for your posts.
Chazz

Wow Chazz this edit really shows off the poem and the benefits of work-shopping, I think you have done a great job on this, it has strong images, its concise and packs a powerful punch in that the first step is to acknowledge there's a problem.

I would do one small final edit to tidy up the punctuation and use of capitals but I can only say this because I make the same type of errors constantly. Best Keith

[PaulineG]

It's interesting to see this poem's evolution from its first post to its third revision. I'm not sure if its finished now but I haven't any suggestions for it myself. I really like it- as Keth says it packs a powerful punch.

[tigrflye]

Whiskey Epiphany (3rd revision)

Like cactus for the shaman,
I have found a way to rattle my soul.

And although I feel like a tree
that has been hollowed out into a canoe
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

Naked on the bathroom floor,
covered in my own fluids, I uncovered (coated/plastered)? in my own fluids, I uncovered
a man afraid to die

Thank you Todd and Stephanie for your posts.
Chazz

I only suggest that because I'm not the biggest fan of using the same word in a line.. or a poem unless it's needed. JMHO
I love the tidy transformation your poem has made.. My favorite part is "screaming spirit wisdom" - love it!
Also, the first word of every line does not need to be capitalized.
I very much enjoyed this. Thanks for the gem.
Jenn