novice poetry. for dummies

[Bunx]

hey dummie.
are you reading me?
ha got ya.

Bunx,
Yes, jolly funny. Look, if you cannot compete through your poetry, please take up bungey jumping.
Punctuation,erratic and ill-informed. Vernacular inconsistent with the general theme of the piece. Syntax inexplicable in any adult/erudite piece of work.
Probably achieves its purpose but not significantly worthy of discussion...at least, judging by the content, not in any terms the author would understand.
Best,
tectak
Try harder...any more of this and you will be kept back after school. Please do not respond to this crit as I have heard it all before.

Note! This has been moved to serious workshopping to see if anyone thinks it is any more worthy than this mod. We shall see.
tectak
No.OK. Back to novice.

[Malu]

hey dummie.
are you reading me?
ha got ya.

This is a poem? Looks more like a joke some five-year-old hears and doesn't shut up about. Why is this even here? Can't really critique anything when there is nothing to go off of this nonsense belongs in the sewer, pig's arse or in poetry for fun, but that for fun forum is for actual poetry maybe this would be better off in the pig's arse.

[Keith]

hey dummie.
are you reading me?
ha got ya.

[b] Bunx,
Yes, jolly funny.
Look, if you cannot compete through your poetry,
please take up bungey jumping.
Punctuation, erratic and ill-informed.
Vernacular inconsistent
with the general theme of the piece.
Syntax inexplicable in any adult/erudite piece of work.
Probably achieves its purpose
but not significantly worthy of discussion,
not in any terms the author would understand.

Try harder.
Any more of this and you will be kept back after school.
Please do not respond to this crit,
I have heard it all before.
tectak

If this is the piece then this works for me, a well balanced poem showing how critique can help draw out the failings of such a simple three liner whilst at the same time deny the comic pie in the face routine that has been achieved in three lines of text. Best Keith

[tectak]

hey dummie.
are you reading me?
ha got ya.

Bunx,
Yes, jolly funny.
Look, if you cannot compete through your poetry,
please take up bungey jumping.
Punctuation, erratic and ill-informed.
Vernacular inconsistent
with the general theme of the piece.
Syntax inexplicable in any adult/erudite piece of work.
Probably achieves its purpose
but not significantly worthy of discussion,
not in any terms the author would understand.

Try harder.
Any more of this and you will be kept back after school.
Please do not respond to this crit,
I have heard it all before.
tectak

If this is the piece then this works for me, a well balanced poem showing how critique can help draw out the failings of such a simple three liner whilst at the same time deny the comic pie in the face routine that has been achieved in three lines of text. Best Keith

Hi keith,
my avatar in tongue-in-cheek
Best,
tectak

[ellajam]

hey dummie.
are you reading me?
ha got ya.

This made me smile when I first read it. Bunx was right, I was reading it. It's true that just posting it somewhere will get your poetry read by someone.

I've been posting for years just for fun on interactive threads, rarely an edit, someone read it. I've read plenty of throwaways and some interesting and memorable poems. Here I am learning to figure out why some work and others don't, but posting anywhere will get it read; it's free to read.

I think ha got ya is lovely.