A Pocketful of Dragons

[Keith]

Edit 1
Our fireside seat an old melting sofa,
dragged back from the raising heat,
spuds bake at the red embers edge,
wood stocks fed from creosote fence,
chasing smoke round fiery eyes,
streaking lines down amber faces.

Roman candles, ready for flight
burst the night in hand held arcs,
dark shadows circle the flames, spitting
tracers that claim the backs of runners,
coats flapping in the battle field air,
blackened we fall to our molten lair.


Original
Our fireside seat a melting sofa,
dragged back from the raising heat,
spuds bake at the red embers edge,
wood stocks fed from creosote fence,
wind change chases smoke into eyes,
streaking lines down amber faces.

Roman candles, ready for flight
burst the night in hand held arcs,
dark shadows circle the flames, spitting
tracers that claim the backs of runners,
coats flapping in the battle field air,
blackened we fall to our molten lair.

[Bunx]

the first read through of this poem i saw myself imagining what it would be like to be in the bunker (or house / cave) before an old battle say in the 1800's. really awesome poem with great visual language

[Keith]

the first read through of this poem i saw myself imagining what it would be like to be in the bunker (or house / cave) before an old battle say in the 1800's. really awesome poem with great visual language

Hi Bunx thanks for the kind words, as children we used to spend all the autumn holiday building a bonfire from wood collected from houses and there was always an old sofa thrown in we would also have battles at night with fireworks that should never have been held but it was good fun and looked like we were being attacked by dragons. Cheers TOMH

[Magpie]

Hi TOMH,
I really enjoyed the imagery in this, the first stanza reminds me of all the times that I sat round camp fires and the smoke seems to follow you no matter where you sit, also I like the detail of the creosote fence.
I didn't get the title at first but I'm presuming the dragons are fireworks, also the first couple of times I read it was in my head but then I read it out loud and then I noticed all the clever rhymes.
Sorry not much of a critique more of an appreciation, thanks for the read.
AR

[cidermaid]

First off i must comment on the title which i thought was great. It immediatly put me into mind of chinese new year firework pageants with all the drama of a great show....this then was backed up by your story of childhood drama and showing off, which did not dissapoint.

Our fireside seat a melting sofa, Must admit I did not get this line untill I read the other comments, but I liked it before well enough, even without knowledge of the personal account.
dragged back from the raising heat,
spuds bake at the red embers edge,
wood stocks fed from creosote fence,
wind change chases smoke into eyes, All the above is good solid images i can relate to but something in this line niggles me. Like the image and the use of alliteration. I think perhaps the bounce is lost in "smoke into" Maybe (just a off the cuff suggestion) make a bit more of the title by having smoking eyes (chasing the dragon and the red smoking eyes & nostrils an all that sort of good stuf ?!)
streaking lines down amber faces.

Roman candles, ready for flight
burst the night in hand held arcs,
dark shadows circle the flames, spitting
tracers that claim the backs of runners,
coats flapping in the battle field air,
blackened we fall to our molten lair. Love all of this last stanza. really evocotive of childhood fireworks memories.
[/quote]

Was a good read thanks for shareing. AJ.

[Keith]

Hi TOMH,
I really enjoyed the imagery in this, the first stanza reminds me of all the times that I sat round camp fires and the smoke seems to follow you no matter where you sit, also I like the detail of the creosote fence.
I didn't get the title at first but I'm presuming the dragons are fireworks, also the first couple of times I read it was in my head but then I read it out loud and then I noticed all the clever rhymes.
Sorry not much of a critique more of an appreciation, thanks for the read.
AR

Funny I'm a smoke magnet too I was always the one with red eyes. Thank you for your kind comments. TOMH

---

First off i must comment on the title which i thought was great. It immediatly put me into mind of chinese new year firework pageants with all the drama of a great show....this then was backed up by your story of childhood drama and showing off, which did not dissapoint.

Our fireside seat a melting sofa, Must admit I did not get this line untill I read the other comments, but I liked it before well enough, even without knowledge of the personal account.
dragged back from the raising heat,
spuds bake at the red embers edge,
wood stocks fed from creosote fence,
wind change chases smoke into eyes, All the above is good solid images i can relate to but something in this line niggles me. Like the image and the use of alliteration. I think perhaps the bounce is lost in "smoke into" Maybe (just a off the cuff suggestion) make a bit more of the title by having smoking eyes (chasing the dragon and the red smoking eyes & nostrils an all that sort of good stuf ?!)
streaking lines down amber faces.

Roman candles, ready for flight
burst the night in hand held arcs,
dark shadows circle the flames, spitting
tracers that claim the backs of runners,
coats flapping in the battle field air,
blackened we fall to our molten lair. Love all of this last stanza. really evocotive of childhood fireworks memories.

Was a good read thanks for shareing. AJ.
[/quote]

Thanks for stopping by AJ I'm afraid I can't claim the title it is one of Leanne's when we had to put up titles and others would write a poem.

I think your right about smoke into I will have a look at it and you've given me some great ideas, so many thanks your comments are always greatly appreciated. Keith

[milo]

Edit 1
Our fireside seat an old melting sofa,
dragged back from the raising heat,
spuds bake at the red embers edge,
wood stocks fed from creosote fence,
chasing smoke round fiery eyes,
streaking lines down amber faces.

Roman candles, ready for flight
burst the night in hand held arcs,
dark shadows circle the flames, spitting
tracers that claim the backs of runners,
coats flapping in the battle field air,
blackened we fall to our molten lair.


Original
Our fireside seat a melting sofa,
dragged back from the raising heat,
spuds bake at the red embers edge,
wood stocks fed from creosote fence,
wind change chases smoke into eyes,
streaking lines down amber faces.

Roman candles, ready for flight
burst the night in hand held arcs,
dark shadows circle the flames, spitting
tracers that claim the backs of runners,
coats flapping in the battle field air,
blackened we fall to our molten lair.

Overall this is good for imagery and diction. You have some comma-splice issues but I am confident you will easily put those to rest with the re-write. I think you may want to replace "dark shadows". Burst the night is good to my ear.

(btw - I hope you don't mind I posted a PFOD poem as well, I had meant to write it a while ago and your post reminded me.

[Keith]

Edit 1
Our fireside seat an old melting sofa,
dragged back from the raising heat,
spuds bake at the red embers edge,
wood stocks fed from creosote fence,
chasing smoke round fiery eyes,
streaking lines down amber faces.

Roman candles, ready for flight
burst the night in hand held arcs,
dark shadows circle the flames, spitting
tracers that claim the backs of runners,
coats flapping in the battle field air,
blackened we fall to our molten lair.


Original
Our fireside seat a melting sofa,
dragged back from the raising heat,
spuds bake at the red embers edge,
wood stocks fed from creosote fence,
wind change chases smoke into eyes,
streaking lines down amber faces.

Roman candles, ready for flight
burst the night in hand held arcs,
dark shadows circle the flames, spitting
tracers that claim the backs of runners,
coats flapping in the battle field air,
blackened we fall to our molten lair.

Overall this is good for imagery and diction. You have some comma-splice issues but I am confident you will easily put those to rest with the re-write. I think you may want to replace "dark shadows". Burst the night is good to my ear.

(btw - I hope you don't mind I posted a PFOD poem as well, I had meant to write it a while ago and your post reminded me.

Thank you for you suggestions Milo I will use them to review the edit, I have no problem at all with another poem, same title as that was the point of the thread I believe there are many duplicate titles. Thanks TOMH