first poem i wrote
#1
Dear Jalen,
Today I met a stranger. I clicked a button and the internet introduced me to a stranger. Right away I noticed her God like hair wishing I had some. It was black, long, curly, shiny, and silky. I told her immediately I loved her hair. At that moment I thought” she must spend 50 dollars at least on hair care Products.” Then something strange happened she wrote back. We had innocently conversed for about 10 minutes then she had to leave. 5 minutes later I was in front of a screen again with this stranger, but this time I saw an exotic angel. This time I saw her brown skin tone, it reminded me of Egyptian sand. This time I noticed her smile, it was very pleasant. I saw that her eyes were stern but comforting. This Princess is named Salena; It Means” the Moon” I chuckled when I saw the origin of her name. People stare at the moon all Night, and I could stare at her hair all Night. She lives in Vegas but her blood is Middle Eastern. She is very down to earth. And has the kindest heart. Although she is a horrible Muslim. Nevertheless Muslim or not she is beautiful. Her hair is rare, her personality is one of a kind, and her smile shines bright like a diamond. She is Beautiful. Its funny how I haven’t texted anyone all summer but my inbox is filled with the name Salena. She says she wants to be a dentist or radiologist but I say be a hair model. The truth is she can do whatever she wants I believe if she ran against Another Black guy for president she would win by the majority vote, I can tell she has a good shoulders on her head. I still don’t know too much about her but I do I like. I hope we continue to talk it’s not every day you meet a beautiful person.


Today I met a Stranger, Today I wrote a poem.
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#2
today you didn't read the rules to the forum about giving feedback to other poets Thumbsup well done
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#3
This is my first time giving feedback but...
the focus of the poem is really not bad. This "exotic angel" actually seems like an interesting character. Develop more on her personality. Why is she a bad muslim? What is so charming about her besides her hair and dark skin?
The other main issues are redundancy and form. Many things are repeated. You mention her hair six times. Try not to use the same words over again. If you have to, use a thesaurus even! Ha.
There is no form at all to this poem. Try reading it aloud to yourself and listen for phrases that sound awkward. Right now it is more like a long email than a poem.
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