Black diamond

[Sonata]

Whether I close my eyes, or vice versa
Whether sun rises or blasts into damnation

Draw her
God's beauty is always in a form of a creation

If the swan's song has been sung
And all the rains a moment ago - stopped

Paint her
Guitar's chord A has the right to opt

Softness of her lips;
easiness of her smiles;
those make me wish - to rise

Blossomed angelic white narcissus;
watches over the deed

Save us
I will till hell freezes over intercede
for the lost souls begging for a moment - of her
and the light that shines throug' the eye's
of hers.

[Brownlie]

Whether I close my eyes, or vice versa
Whether sun rises or blasts into damnation

Draw her
God's beauty is always in a form of a creation

If the swan's song has been sung
And all the rains a moment ago - stopped

Paint her
Guitar's chord A has the right to opt

Softness of her lips;
easiness of her smiles;
those make me wish - to rise

Blossomed angelic white narcissus;
watches over the deed

Save us
I will till hell freezes over intercede
for the lost souls begging for a moment - of her
and the light that shines throug' the eye's
of hers.

I think you deserve a little more views than you got, especially when bumble fuck is leading the charge on views. That said, I feel that this poem is trying to make itself sound too profound.

[milo]

Whether I close my eyes, or vice versa
Whether sun rises or blasts into damnation

Draw her
God's beauty is always in a form of a creation

If the swan's song has been sung
And all the rains a moment ago - stopped

Paint her
Guitar's chord A has the right to opt

Softness of her lips;
easiness of her smiles;
those make me wish - to rise

Blossomed angelic white narcissus;
watches over the deed

Save us
I will till hell freezes over intercede
for the lost souls begging for a moment - of her
and the light that shines throug' the eye's
of hers.

whether I close my eyes or vice vera means whether I close my eyes or my eyes close me which is pretty much nonsense.

"blasts into damnation" also means nothing to me. What happens if the sun blasts into damantion, it explodes?
I would skip "a" before creation.
"and all the rains . . ." is grammatically incorrect in an obfuscatory fashion
There is a weird inversion in "I will till . . ."
lights shining through the eyes is cliche even if you misspell "through"


overall it feels very rough still, it could use some polish with a strong ear toward grammar, logic and sound but I feel like the bones of a pretty good poem are here.

thanks for posting.

milo

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Whether I close my eyes, or vice versa vice versa - eyes my open? I prefer 'just keep them open' or something simpler
Whether the, 'whether sun rises' makes it sound like only some of the sun might, etc sun rises or blasts into damnation

Draw her add punctuation here
God's beauty is always in a form of a creation I don't see what else it could be in - if you are a God believer, then God created everything

If the swan's song has been sung
And all the rains a moment ago - stopped

Paint her
Guitar's chord A has the right to opt I don't like A. A is horrible. But anyway, opt to what?

Softness of her lips; cliche
easiness of her smiles; Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile?
those make me wish - to rise I don't think the hyphen is needed

Blossomed angelic white narcissus; Pick one, not three - maybe two at the most
watches over the deed the deed - are you two getting it on?

Save us punctuation
I will till hell freezes over intercede too abstract
for the lost souls begging for a moment - of her
and the light that shines throug' the eye's I think her is repeated too much, both being at the end of a line. I'd try swopping the words round a bit here.
of hers.