I haven't written anything for about 10 years. What do you think?

[canofworms]

My spirit is restless tonight.
It is a wild and undulating thing made up of tarnished mechanical bits and pieces
And I cannot sleep.
It moves erratically and unpredictably like some varmint rustling through the leaves.
It seems to freeze in place when I try to lock on to it, its shape or intent.
Only to spasm and jerk into motion showing fleeting glimpses of what it is
What it wants
What it looks like
Where it is broken

---

Revision:

My spirit is restless tonight.
It is a wild and undulating thing made up of tarnished mechanical bits and pieces,
And I cannot sleep.
Its movement erratic and covert like some varmint rustling through the leaves.
It seems to freeze in place when I try to lock on to it, its shape or intent.
Only to spasm and jerk into motion showing fleeting glimpses of what it is
What it wants
What it looks like
Where it is broken

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I really love this poem - but the last three lines are very weak in comparison. The last line I like the idea of, but I don't think it is pulled off with the sophistication you write with earlier on in this. I'd put some grammar in and see where it goes.

[canofworms]

Which version?

I don't see it, but I appreciate the feedback.

the last three lines set the cadence and hestation of uncertainty.
And actually "what it looks like" is a little out of place because I just described what it looks like.
it almost seems as if the first 3 lines stand alone better than it all together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My spirit is restless tonight.
It is a wild and undulating thing made up of tarnished mechanical bits and pieces,
And I cannot sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is as close as I could find.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-OqYFB4ofY

I know this is probably too mechanical for most of you, but this is how I feel inside.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

A boy in my engineering class tied my ponytail to a vice once. That's the limits of my mechanical knowledge

I didn't see the second version. My eyesight is going. I prefer the first, I'm afraid. I like the added comma on the second line though. I think the last three lines would work if you added some commas and full stops too.

[Sonata]

I prefer version 1 to 2.
I agree with others, in the last 3 lines you kinda lose the melody or something, I don't know, in my opinion they just don't belong here, or they do but definitely in different form.
I like the poem entirely
Considering u haven't written anything in 10 years it's awesome
Hope to see more from u

[canofworms]

I prefer version 1 to 2.
I agree with others, in the last 3 lines you kinda lose the melody or something, I don't know, in my opinion they just don't belong here, or they do but definitely in different form.
I like the poem entirely
Considering u haven't written anything in 10 years it's awesome
Hope to see more from u

Thanks. I'll work on those.

I mostly think things in my head when I am half asleep. About 2 years ago I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote a kick ass song I heard in my head.

[billy]

My spirit is restless tonight.
It is a wild and undulating thing made up of tarnished mechanical bits and pieces
And I cannot sleep.
It moves erratically and unpredictably like some varmint rustling through the leaves.
It seems to freeze in place when I try to lock on to it, its shape or intent. is 'it seems' needed? why not make it more substantive and say 'it freezes'
Only to spasm and jerk into motion showing fleeting glimpses of what it is
What it wants
What it looks like
Where it is broken

---

Revision:



My spirit is restless tonight.
It is a wild and undulating thing made up of tarnished mechanical bits and pieces,
And I cannot sleep.
Its movement erratic and covert like some varmint rustling through the leaves.
It seems to freeze in place when I try to lock on to it, its shape or intent.
Only to spasm and jerk into motion showing fleeting glimpses of what it is
What it wants
What it looks like
Where it is broken

i prefer the one at the top, i'm in agreement that the last three line aren't needed as they stand, and that it would be one of those piece that worked better with punctuation. most of my feedback is just reiteration of what's already been said but often the more that say the same thing, the more likely that's how others will read it.

i did like the poem itself. the mechanical metaphor and image work really well. i like the coldness of being unable to sleep.

please give feedback to other poets

[canofworms]

OK. How about this:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My spirit is restless tonight.
It swells under a moth-eaten bed sheet
It is ancient and undulating.
Grotesque and fantastic.
A machine made up of tarnished mechanical bits and pieces
A tangle of steel cables, dented metal discs, gears, grease and bile.
Its movement erratic and covert like some varmint rustling through the leaves.
It seems to freeze in place when I try to lock on to it, its shape or intent.

Only to spasm and jerk into motion showing fleeting glimpses of what it is

[UnicornRainbowCake]

RE the new version:

You should still put some form of full stop or something on the end of your last line. Instead of a full stop on the end of intent, I'd try a hyphen - I don't like sentences that start with only. They don't often work.

What I liked about the original was 'where it is broken.' You mentioned it is similar to a piston engine - try extending the 'mechanical bits and pieces' into the last line, relate it back to being an engine - that shows where it is broken.

[canofworms]

Well it's not that it is broken. It may not be.
Its more like it should be broken or it is suspected that it is broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My spirit is restless tonight.
It swells under a moth-eaten bed sheet
It is ancient and undulating.
Grotesque and fantastic.
A machine made up of tarnished mechanical bits and pieces
A tangle of steel cables, dented metal discs, gears, grease and bile.
Its movement erratic and covert like some varmint rustling through the leaves.
It seems to freeze in place when I try to lock on to it, its shape or intent.
Only to spasm and jerk into motion showing fleeting glimpses of what it is,
or where it is broken

[canofworms]

My spirit is restless tonight.
It is a wild and undulating thing made up of tarnished mechanical bits and pieces
And I cannot sleep.
It's movement erratic and covert like some varmint rustling through the leaves.
Elusive,
Freezing in place the moment I look in its direction.
Only to spasm and jerk into motion once I look away.