Posts: 31
Threads: 9
Joined: May 2013
Another year wasted,
another hour dead.
A time, that now isn't mine.
Why would it be mine,
why should it be,
why would I want it to be mine.
With my new eyes here in the dawning light,
I stared over blood stains on the corner,
the corner that peered into me, and I saw less.
I now see things for every shade of a smile,
with this smile I can feel a purer shit of something.
And I now believe that I'm no longer a failure.
I can see that really,
I'm just a master of accomplishing nothing.
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi James,
I think this poem would read much easier, if you didn't capitalize every line, and if you added some periods and commas. I stumbled over the lines on my read-through, distracting me from what is said.
Thanks for the read.
- LB
Posts: 31
Threads: 9
Joined: May 2013
(06-05-2013, 10:27 AM)Volaticus Wrote: Hi James,
I think this poem would read much easier, if you didn't capitalize every line, and if you added some periods and commas. I stumbled over the lines on my read-through, distracting me from what is said.
Thanks for the read.
- LB
Thanks for letting me know, I hope I made it a bit easier on the read now.
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
(06-05-2013, 10:56 AM)James Wrote: Thanks for letting me know, I hope I made it a bit easier on the read now.
It's definitely better with the punctuation, but I still think it's a bit off. If you want, I can make some suggestions.
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I quite like it - and although the punctuation I'm sure improved it (I never saw the original) but you could have an experiment with questions, hyphens, etc. My favourite part is the last line, I think it is very good. I had a bit of a sigh at the 'blood stains' comment - it's too creepy, and it doesn't add anything. I liked the character of the speaker before, and then - uh oh, blood stains. It gets a bit psycho. Apart from that, good start 
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
Posts: 31
Threads: 9
Joined: May 2013
(06-05-2013, 11:47 AM)Volaticus Wrote: (06-05-2013, 10:56 AM)James Wrote: Thanks for letting me know, I hope I made it a bit easier on the read now.
It's definitely better with the punctuation, but I still think it's a bit off. If you want, I can make some suggestions.
I'd love to here some
(06-06-2013, 12:09 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote: I quite like it - and although the punctuation I'm sure improved it (I never saw the original) but you could have an experiment with questions, hyphens, etc. My favourite part is the last line, I think it is very good. I had a bit of a sigh at the 'blood stains' comment - it's too creepy, and it doesn't add anything. I liked the character of the speaker before, and then - uh oh, blood stains. It gets a bit psycho. Apart from that, good start
Hm I'll see what I could change the whole blood stains thing, and wow really xD the speaker was actually meant to be perfectly sane, and more on the positive side (Well trying to be positive). Thanks for letting me know that you liked it
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Another year wasted,
another hour dead.
A time that isn't mine.
Why would it be mine,
why should it be,
why would I want it to be mine?
With my new eyes in the dawning light,
I stared over blood stains on the corner,
the corner that peered into me, and I saw less.
I now see things for every shade of a smile,
with this smile I can feel a purer shit of something.
And I now believe I'm no longer a failure.
I can see that,
I'm just a master of accomplishing nothing.
I've made some minor changes that I think could maybe improve the poem. You can just scrap it if you don't like. It's JMHO.
Cheers
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