< that damn yellow flower >

[rayheinrich]

< that damn yellow flower > / the last time / i saw you / that damn yellow flower / (the one to / the left of / the oak tree / in your yard) / wasn't there / and / you loved me / well this time / that damn yellow flower / is there / - - -

[cidermaid]

Hi Ray (second time lucky I typed out a response and got bounced out of the site..so if this message pops up twice this will be why)

I always look forward to you submissions in the fun section. I love the pictures you post and 9 x out of 10 times I enjoy reading your poems. (Perhaps i have been guilty of not posting my comments of encouragment enough - I do really enjoy reading your posts and always look out for them).

Sadly however I did not get much from this one, so either i am missing something (which is possible i have more than my fair share of blond moments ) )..or the poem needs to give me a little more.
I got a sense of a play on she loves me / she loves me not, from the flower there or not there, but I've stuggled to place the oak tree / yard thing that is in there - it just feels like a filler. As such it is fine as I like the absent minded musing feel it has, but then again it is irritating as it does not give me anything beyond this and in such a short poem I am wanting every word to count for something.
JMO will wait and see if I can see anything further to enlighten me from other people's views on this.
Thanks for the read and the picture. (Love pics of the little and overlooked things in life). AJ.

[billy]

she no longer loves him. he blames the flower for it because it's appearance coincides with her leaving. i think it's called transference

for me this was done exceptionally well.

[Brownlie]

Quite a conspicuous yellow flower.

[rayheinrich]

I always look forward to you submissions in the fun section. I love the pictures you post and 9 x out of 10 times I enjoy reading your poems. (Perhaps i have been guilty of not posting my comments of encouragement enough - I do really enjoy reading your posts and always look out for them).

Don't worry about the comments, while appreciated (usually), they are never
required. Howsomeever: Reading them IS absolutely mandatory! By the way:
Off-topic comments, especially creative ones, ARE both loved and encouraged

Sadly however I did not get much from this one... .
I got a sense of a play on she loves me / she loves me not, from the flower there or not there, but I've struggled to place the oak tree / yard thing that is in there - it just feels like a filler. As such it is fine as I like the absent-minded musing feel it has, but then again it is irritating as it does not give me anything beyond this and in such a short poem I am wanting every word to count for something.
JMO will wait and see if I can see anything further to enlighten me from other people's views on this.
Thanks for the read and the picture. (Love pics of the little and overlooked things in life). AJ.

A writer friend of mine used to say: "If you need to explain, you need
to rewrite." That said, I'll natter on anyway:

I probably should have used something other than a flower. My intention
was not 'She loves me / she loves me not', but 'LOVED me / loves me not.
[I try, BTW, to write my poems gender-free so I can, without additional
labor-intensive editing, send them to anyone I happen to be desiring at
the moment. ]

'(The one to / the left of / the oak tree / in your yard)' was inserted
to emphasize the intensity of their relationship by showing they had shared
a space intimately enough to be used as a reference. Flowers growing on,
and trees situated near, are references to graves. A grave symbolizing that
the loss of this love has the finality of death.

The anger directed at the flower, as billy noted, is an emotion that has
been subconsciously transferred by the protagonist (induced by the
irrationality of love) from the person he loves to the flower. Probably
because he/she can't admit to anger at her/his former love. This transfer
is the reason it's a "Poetry for fun" post.

But really, while all this explication is fun, the poem isn't meant to
be that deep. It's just a long-winded 'you don't love me anymore'. So the
poem, in relation to the 5 word expression above, isn't that short as it
takes 37 words (as well as a picture) to convey the same damn thing.

[milo]

The transference worked for me, but I had the same problem with the oak tree. Now that you explained it, it works fine, I think I may have missed it because I have heard oaks used as landmarks to strangers so often. If you were visiting and had never met me before, I might say meet me in back by the old oak. Still - neat and fun.

[rayheinrich]

The transference worked for me, but I had the same problem with the oak tree. Now that you explained it, it works fine, I think I may have missed it because I have heard oaks used as landmarks to strangers so often. If you were visiting and had never met me before, I might say meet me in back by the old oak. Still - neat and fun.

But damn, it's like my friend was saying: if I got to explain it,
then i got to rewrite it. Maybe a wheelbarrow? Na, that one's taken.

[milo]

if instead of an article you used something with a personal pronoun it would be obvious, but probably too obvious. "to the left of our picnic bench in your yard . . ."

still, nice overall.

[billy]

That fuckin' Porsche 911 GT3 RSR

The first time
I saw you
That fuckin' Porsche 911 GT3 RSR

[the one parked
to the right of
The new Ferrari 458 Spider
on our neighbour's drive]

wasn't there
and you
loved me

well this time
that fuckin' Porsche 911 GT3 RSR

is there.

[milo]

love it.

[rayheinrich]

[billy]

excellent

[cidermaid]

Yeah agree with Billy, round of applause from me. Love the edit, much stronger emotions
I now get a hefty load of resentment.
Great work Ray.

[rayheinrich]

When someone who used to love me doesn't love me anymore, I tend to yell at chairs, birds, that shoe I always trip on in my room, food, the empty fridge lacking food, my cat, myself..... That extremely long sentence simply means that I like your poem. I get it. Flowers are ugly sometimes.

The flower is beautiful; I resent its beauty because I am ugly (or feel I am
ugly because someone who told me I was beautiful changed her/his mind).

P.S. Yelling at chairs, shoes you always trip on, food, empty fridges, and yourself
is just fine; but yelling at cats and birds will just encourage several (at least) gods
to pour out their fury upon thee, accomplish their anger upon thee, judge thee according
to thy ways, and recompense thee for all thine abominations.

[milo]

That Bitch

For a year
we owned a dog
we loved.

And now
alone, I fill this hole
with fresh earth.

[billy]

That Bitch

For a year
we owned a dog
we loved.

And now
alone, I fill this hole
with fresh earth.

a true sicko i expect to see you on worlds worst seriel killers very shortly