The attic (post edit)

[Ryan_w_r]

Dust filled bars of light cut through one another as their paths intersect.
Smells of mildew and mothballs coat the thick and stagnant air.
Memories lay dormant in the dark, forgotten memories meant to be remembered.
Where unneeded wants go to live out their existence...

-The attic

[rowens]

Dust filled bars of light, cut through one another as their paths intersect.

The comma after light isn't needed, if you don't insist on it.

smells of Mildew, and mothballs coat the suffocating, thick, and stagnant air.

Mildew capitalized instead of smells; was that a conscious technique? Since there's nothing else like that in this, it probably isn't; but I'm just making sure. The comma after Mildew isn't really needed.

Memories lay dormant, in the dark, forgotten memories meant to be remembered.

You can think about the comma after dormant here too.

Where unneeded wants, go to live out their existence...

And after wants.

-The attic

[Ryan_w_r]

Dust filled bars of light, cut through one another as their paths intersect.

The comma after light isn't needed, if you don't insist on it.

smells of Mildew, and mothballs coat the suffocating, thick, and stagnant air.

Mildew capitalized instead of smells; was that a conscious technique? Since there's nothing else like that in this, it probably isn't; but I'm just making sure. The comma after Mildew isn't really needed. not conscious, initially the line started with mildew and it was auto capitalized, later put smells in front of it and didn't think to fix it

Memories lay dormant, in the dark, forgotten memories meant to be remembered.

You can think about the comma after dormant here too.

Where unneeded wants, go to live out their existence...

And after wants.

-The attic

Yeah I put a lot of commas in there making it sound very unnatural... Thank you for straightening me out.

[Brownlie]

The first thing I would do with this poem is rename it The Attic so the reader knows what you're describing

Dust filled bars of light cut through one another as their paths intersect.
Smells of mildew, and mothballs coat the suffocating, thick, and stagnant air. - mildew and mothballs are your strongest words here. I would consider reducing the amount of adjectives you use.
Memories lay dormant in the dark, forgotten memories meant to be remembered. -- Memories is a bit vague perhaps you could refer to some old pictures or something.
Where unneeded wants go to live out their existence... - This is sort of abstract but the sentiment is interesting

-The attic

[FayandFire]

Dust filled bars of light cut through one another as their paths intersect.
Smells of mildew, and mothballs coat the thick, and stagnant air.
Memories lay dormant in the dark, forgotten memories meant to be remembered.
Where unneeded wants go to live out their existence...

-The attic

The first two lines have nice imagery. I would personally change " forgotten memories meant to be remembered" it feels like a mouthful and i am not sure its effective and as Brownlie said memories is vague. I do wonder memories of what.... But that's just me =]

[Bunx]

There was once a church my mom worked at. i remember the stain glass windows against those windows in the attic. for some reason when i think of moth balls i think of growing up in the country side. love this poem ryan. and thanks alot of the positive edits!

[Ryan_w_r]

There was once a church my mom worked at. i remember the stain glass windows against those windows in the attic. for some reason when i think of moth balls i think of growing up in the country side. love this poem ryan. and thanks alot of the positive edits!

Thank you! I always enjoy reading your thoughts and input.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

It really builds up an image, and almost a sad one (when you include the last line).

I would only say memory once in the third line though - the repetition is a little too much.

[autumnleaves]

I love the imagery. It makes me think of an old, unrequited love forgotten in the same way that a dead man is forgotten after all who knew him die, but there are still artifacts of his existence, such as photographs or belongings.

[Ryan_w_r]

I love the imagery. It makes me think of an old, unrequited love forgotten in the same way that a dead man is forgotten after all who knew him die, but there are still artifacts of his existence, such as photographs or belongings.

Exactly!! Thank you! the idea of legacy and existing but being forgotten about was in my head when I wrote this.

[Brownlie]

Dust filled bars of light cut through one another as their paths intersect.
Smells of mildew, and mothballs coat the thick, and stagnant air.
Memories lay dormant in the dark, forgotten memories meant to be remembered.
Where unneeded wants go to live out their existence...

-The attic

You start out with some good imagery than you collapse into more generalized statements what specifically are the forgotten memories. What are the unneeded wants..

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Dust filled bars of light cut through one another as their paths intersect.
Smells of mildew, and mothballs coat the thick, and stagnant air.
Memories lay dormant in the dark, forgotten memories meant to be remembered.
Where unneeded wants go to live out their existence...

-The attic

I like the imagery here. the last line is a bit of a tongue twister. I dont see any other words you could use there though. Good read enjoyed it.

[tectak]

Dust filled bars of light cut through one another as their paths intersect.
Smells of mildew, and mothballs coat the thick, and stagnant air.
Memories lay dormant in the dark, forgotten memories meant to be remembered.
Where unneeded wants go to live out their existence...

-The attic

Hi Ryan,
In any poem imagery is important enough on its own, but if you really want to make a piece of veracity verse you have to instill belief in the reader. Unless there is more than one sun, or the attic is lit by floodlights outside, there is just no way (except in shoot-em-up movies where bullets pepper the old holdin' up shed walls) that "beams of light intersect".You repeat yourself. "Cut through one another" IS to intersect. Nonetheless, I see what you see but it irks. Punctuation is all over the place,too. Drop the second "and" in L2, if you have a love of commas but the first comma L2 has to go. Semi colon after "dark". Duplication of "memories".
Last line is not a sentence.
"Forgotten memories" is hard to swallow, especially as you have just told me they are there, lying in the dark. Or had you forgotten? "unneeded wants" (???)
The concept is good, the atmospheric opportunities ARE touched on but barely given scope. The execution is weak. Tighten it up.
That's all.
Best,
tectak

[Ryan_w_r]

Dust filled bars of light cut through one another as their paths intersect.
Smells of mildew, and mothballs coat the thick, and stagnant air.
Memories lay dormant in the dark, forgotten memories meant to be remembered.
Where unneeded wants go to live out their existence...

-The attic

Hi Ryan,
In any poem imagery is important enough on its own, but if you really want to make a piece of veracity verse you have to instill belief in the reader. Unless there is more than one sun, or the attic is lit by floodlights outside, there is just no way (except in shoot-em-up movies where bullets pepper the old holdin' up shed walls) that "beams of light intersect".You repeat yourself. "Cut through one another" IS to intersect. Nonetheless, I see what you see but it irks. Punctuation is all over the place,too. Drop the second "and" in L2, if you have a love of commas but the first comma L2 has to go. Semi colon after "dark". Duplication of "memories".
Last line is not a sentence.
"Forgotten memories" is hard to swallow, especially as you have just told me they are there, lying in the dark. Or had you forgotten? "unneeded wants" (???)
The concept is good, the atmospheric opportunities ARE touched on but barely given scope. The execution is weak. Tighten it up.
That's all.
Best,
tectak

Thanks for reading... I understand the point made about needing multiple light sources to to create the image I was describing, but all I wanted to do was create an image. One that you obviously were able to see, so I guess I accomplished my goal. As far as Punctuation goes.. I am absolutely dreadful. It bothers just about everyone but myself.. That's what editors are for anyways. Same reason I don't prepare my own taxes, something's are best left to the pros (lazy excuse I know). Last time I took a trip back home and went to the house I grew up in I went into the attic and and found many items from my childhood that floded me with memories that hadn't been thought of in many years. Memories that I didn't even know I still had (forgotten memories), ever had that happen to you? All of those things I found were only in the attic because they were not a necessity, and what is not a necessity is purely a 'want' ... And I'm my somewhat dramatic translation in this poem.. I refer to items stored in the attic as "unneeded wants" Make sense? Thanks again

[MpoemsR]

I love this poem! Absolutely brilliant with so much potency. There is, however, a one error which I will point out.
In the second line, the commas isn't needed at all.

I like how this poem is one of those double interpretable poems:
1. A normal aboned attic
2. Memories and wants inside your mind left to be forgotten, where the "bars of light" is the remaining vague grasp of those memories already fading...

BRILLIANT!