Alexis

[Bunx]

It ends with death,
starts with life.
Alexis, why did you hold my
hand at prom?

Dancing there we were,
I, more stoned than drunk
blissful in our last farewell.
Down you went falling
to the sounds of bells.

I found myself soon there after in a church
full of prayers. You can't go to hell,
alexis. I love you.

Why? Did you have to
be drunk?

Why? Did you have to sit next to
Jake and I in art class?

Why? Did i fall in love.

And why was I on the side lines,
at your funeral.

Why? Suicide?

Every word my breath
breathes;
is for you babe.

Why?

Why, was I in a Christian band,
because of that we could not hold hands,
back then.

Even though you saw me,
and wrapped those fingers,
in mine.

Why?

Does everyone think
you are my angel.
I don't fucking know,
what heaven is.

Babe, sometime's on the Zi.
I could not wait to die. just
at the thought of seeing.
you being there.

Your golden brown hair.

Why?

Did I not grab you that night and say.
Please Alexis, PLEASE!!
be my girlfriend.

Love,
killed.
you.
the,
end.

Sincerely yours in life,
Robert Thomas Cave.

PS, i still cry

[rowens]

I like this poem. But I'm in no mood for Serious critiquing at the moment. I plan on coming back. I'm bad with plans though. But I think I'll make it back.

I still get connections with d a levy. Maybe you were meant to like him. As example:

1.
i sit down next to her
& our toes begin a love dance

i think
how beautiful
her dark smile
her brown skin
& i touch her arms
her belly
our legs touch
& i realize i
want to see my white hand
on her dark breasts
and i cant do it

i try but my eyes
disappear
& all i can see
is beverly, beverly
tired & laying next to me

i get very confused
i dont really want to do
anything but be next to her

my hand touching
the small of her back

i cant do anything
except think love thoughts
to her & flash lights in my
head & wonder if she can
hear me loving her

2
in the 9 dimensional
collapseable universe
waiting for some one to
do it

i ask her what
she really wants

she knows!

she wants security

& i am so old and silly
in my need
i tell her the truth

[Bunx]

that poem is beautiful. thanks for the comment rowens. my experience with this girl was shortly lived....and sadly missed

---

rowens, new version at the top. thanks man.

[rowens]

It ends with death,
starts with life.
Alexis, why did you hold my
hand at prom?

Why? Did you have to
be drunk?

Why? Did you have to sit next to
Jake and I in art class?

Why? Did i fall in love.

The first question mark after the Why in all those lines emphasize the Why, so it can work like that. And I don't read it as simply, Why did you have to be drunk?
Though you left out the question mark in the last line there. And sometimes you have I and other times i.





And why was I on the side lines,
at your funeral.


You don't really need the comma, but it's not a problem.


Why? Suicide?

Every word my breath
breathes;
is for you babe.

Here the semicolon is more of a problem. Grammar-wise. Though I hear the musical pause that it creates.


Why?

Why, was I in a Christian band,

Here though the comma is really in the way. Maybe your two question marks you used in earlier lines could fix that.

because of that we could not hold hands,
back then.

Even though you saw me,
and wrapped those fingers,
in mine.

Don't need the comma after fingers.

and wrapped those fingers
in mine

work without it.

Why?

Does everyone think
you are my angel.

Do you want a question mark?

I don't fucking know,
what heaven is.

I don't fucking know
what heaven is.

Works without a comma.


But if this is heaven

You could have a comma here, after heaven.

I am an angel.
but,

But, capital after the period.

such
heaven could never
exist.

Babe, sometime's on the Zi.
I could not wait to die. just
at the thought of seeing.
you being there.

The periods are messy here.

Your golden brown hair.

Why?

Did I not grab you that night and say.

Better a comma than a period.

Please Alexis, PLEASE!!
be my girlfriend.

Love,
killed.
you.
the,
end.

The commas aren't needed.

Sincerely yours in life,
Robert Thomas Cave.

PS, i still cry

[Ryan_w_r]

Not very frequently does reading a poem really evoke an emotional reaction in me.. But this did and I thank you for that. Beautifully written, it doesn't seem like you had to think about this poem. It seems natural to me, like it has been in you and it was just time for it to come out. Thanks for sharing. Looking toward to more!

[Todd]

Hi Rob,

I'm going to deal with the poem, and not the real life situation behind it. Not meaning this to come across as callous mostly just looking at how to make the poem stronger (in my opinion). Here are some comments for you:

First off the title, an Ode follows a certain format. This isn't an ode. I'd consider changing the title just to correct that.

It ends with death,
starts with life.--I think you're missing an opportunitity here. I would consider reversing the ideas: It starts with death, ends with life. Ending with death is what we would assume. Working against that assumption would help you. In a way, the death is what starts this. The life that goes on from that point is a sort of ending. I think the reversal would bring more interest to the phrasing
Alexis, why did you hold my--You may want to mess with your line breaks a bit here. I'm going to suggest doing a line break after you each time you have it phrased this way. The question the narrator wants to know is why did you kill yourself. The hesitation and the switch to the other questions is how he deals with the pain. So in this instance I would move "hold my" down to the next line with "hand at the prom"
hand at prom?

Why? Did you have to
be drunk?

Why? Did you have to sit next to
Jake and I in art class?--Obviously, I'm suggesting the line break. I would also cut and I from the construction. It's not as much about being true to the facts, but being true to what is more emotional.

Why? Did i fall in love.--Capitalize the I

And why was I on the side lines,--something stronger than this. Dig deeper. The speaker knows why so go a few layers below this observation
at your funeral.

Why? Suicide?

Every word my breath
breathes;
is for you babe.--Maybe cut the semicolon and the "for you babe" bring the is up a line and repeat the refrain with the why

Why? --after this why, I'd drop the why's and shift to more of the anger

Why, was I in a Christian band,
because of that we could not hold hands,
back then.--shorten this to "we could not hold hands back then"

Even though you saw me,--don't think you need "saw me"
and wrapped those fingers,--you could cut and and substitute your for those
in mine.

Why?

Does everyone think--Maybe simply "Everyone thinks"
you are my angel.
I don't fucking know,--maybe lead this line in with an "and"
what heaven is.

But if this is heaven
I am an angel.
but,
such
heaven could never
exist.--this strophe feels oddly constructed.

Babe, sometime's on the Zi.
I could not wait to die. just--I would try to make this a bit more universal with "sometimes I cannot wait to die"
at the thought of seeing.
you being there.--Maybe tighten some "thinking of seeing you there

Your golden brown hair.--like this detail

Why?--cut at this point

Did I not grab you that night and say.
Please Alexis, PLEASE!!
be my girlfriend.--Tighten this into something a layer of two deeper. This is where you think you could hold her back from the decision

Love,
killed.
you.
the,
end.--Is this: Love killed you. The End

or, Love killed you in the end

The punctuation needs to be smoothed out. I prefer the second option but either actually work.

Sincerely yours in life,
Robert Thomas Cave.

PS, i still cry

There is probably more to say, but it will come out in the edits.

Best,

Todd

[Bunx]

[quote='Bunx' pid='127682' dateline='1369324329']
It ends with life
ends in death.

Alexis, why did you hold my
hand at prom?

Why, Did you have to
be drunk?

Why, did you have to sit next to
Jake and I in art class?

Why did rob fall in love.

And why was i on the side lines
at your funeral.

Why, Suicide?

Every word my breath
breathes
is for you babe.

Why?

Why was I always in a Christian band;
because of that we could not hold hands
back then.

Even though you saw me
then wrapped those fingers
in mine.

Why?

Does everyone think
you are my angel.
I don't fucking know.
what is heaven?

Hell and heaven
exists here.

Miss i wish i could say
that your glorified death,
was a dance where I
could play.

I'd sing. I miss you
so much Alexis; I'd swear
i would cry.
Alexis remember me
before you die.

Babe, sometime's on the Zi.
i could not wait to die. Just
at the thought of seeing.
You being there.

Your golden brown hair.

Why?

Did I not grab you that night and say.
Please Alexis, PLEASE!!
be my girlfriend.

Love,
killed
you.
the,
end.

Sincerely yours in life,
Robert Thomas Cave.

PS, i still cry

---

[quote='Bunx' pid='127682' dateline='1369324329']

---

Song for her,
It ends with life
ends in death.

Alexis, why did you hold my
hand at prom?

Why, Did you have to
be drunk?

Why, did you have to sit next to
Jake and I in art class?

Why did rob fall in love.

And why was i on the side lines
at your funeral.

Why, Suicide?

Every word my breath
breathes
is for you babe.

Why?

Why was I always in a Christian band;
because of that we could not hold hands
back then.

Even though you saw me
then wrapped those fingers
in mine.

Why?

Does everyone think
you are my angel.
I don't fucking know.
what is heaven?

Hell and heaven
exists here.

Miss i wish i could say
that your glorified death,
was a dance where I
could play.

I'd sing. I miss you
so much Alexis; I'd swear
i would cry.
Alexis remember me
before you die.

Babe, sometime's on the Zi.
i could not wait to die. Just
at the thought of seeing.
You being there.

Your golden brown hair.

Why?

Did I not grab you that night and say.
Please Alexis, PLEASE!!
be my girlfriend.

Love,
killed
you.
the,
end.

Sincerely yours in life,
Robert Thomas Cave.

PS, i still cry

[Bunx]

It ends with life and
starts with death.
Alexis, why did you hold my
hand at prom?

Why, Did you have to
be drunk?

Why? Did you have to sit next to
Jake and I in art class?

Why did i fall in love.

And why was I on the side lines,
at your funeral.

Standing in a packed church
with people on the lawn.

Why? Suicide.
Every word my breath
breathes;
is for you babe.

Why?

Why, was I in a Christian band?
Because of that, we could not hold hands
back then.

Even though you saw me,
and wrapped those fingers
in mine.

Why?

Does everyone think
you are my angel.
I don't fucking know,
what heaven is.

Heaven is this i guess.
People putting on a hobos
vest, saying thank you.
Simply because
you are cold.

Babe, sometime's on the Zi
i could not wait to die. just
at the thought of seeing.
you.

Your golden brown hair.

Why?

Did I not grab you that night and say.
Please Alexis, PLEASE!!
be my girlfriend.

Love,
killed.
you.
the,
end.

Sincerely yours in life,
Robert Thomas Cave.

PS, i still cry

[Bunx]

It ends with death,
starts with life.
Alexis, why did you hold my
hand at prom?

Dancing there we were,
stoned than drunk
blissful in our last farewell.
Down you went falling
to the sounds of bells.

I found myself soon ther after in a church
full of prayers. You can't go to hell,
alexis. I love you.

Why? Did you have to
be drunk?

Why? Did you have to sit next to
Jake and I in art class?

Why? Did i fall in love.

And why was I on the side lines,
at your funeral.

Why? Suicide?

Every word my breath
breathes;
is for you babe.

Why?

Why, was I in a Christian band,
because of that we could not hold hands,
back then.

Even though you saw me,
and wrapped those fingers,
in mine.

Why?

Does everyone think
you are my angel.
I don't fucking know,
what heaven is.

Babe, sometime's on the Zi.
I could not wait to die. just
at the thought of seeing.
you being there.

Your golden brown hair.

Why?

Did I not grab you that night and say.
Please Alexis, PLEASE!!
be my girlfriend.

Love,
killed.
you.
the,
end.

Sincerely yours in life,
Robert Thomas Cave.

PS, i still cry

---

It ends with death,
starts with life.
Alexis, why did you hold my
hand at prom?

Why? Did you have to
be drunk?

Why? Did you have to sit next to
Jake and I in art class?

Why? Did i fall in love.

And why was I on the side lines,
at your funeral.

Why? Suicide?

Every word my breath
breathes;
is for you babe.

Why?

Why, was I in a Christian band,
because of that we could not hold hands
back then.

Even though you saw me,
and wrapped those fingers,
in mine.

Why?

Does everyone think
you are my angel.
I don't fucking know,
what heaven is.

But if this is heaven
I am an angel.
but,
such
heaven could never
exist.

Babe, sometime's on the Zi
i could not wait to die. just
at the thought of seeing.
you.

Your golden brown hair.

Why?

Did I not grab you that night and say.
Please Alexis, PLEASE!!
be my girlfriend.

Love,
killed.
you.
the,
end.

Sincerely yours in life,
Robert Thomas Cave.

PS, i still cry

---

Alexis Jake and I were best friends. Jake eventually went on to date my only love. Me and jake are still closer than me and Kaci. augg sorry about this downer.