Jess Land Sum

[James]

All that tries
To dive into these
Submarine eyes
Is a dove
On of the
sweet spinning
Gloom of love
Or tomb
And what rides
Between those
Thinly blanked lines
Is a concreate-toned confide
That her mind
Will evermore be proned
To reside in the yellow sky
Of ivory nines

Dancing through cheetah lights
Dreaming on pebbles, or gazing on the wild walk I'd win
Is it a crime, so sublime in my same azure chime
Time can't still the climb to my waterfront grin
A smile would show thin in a walk of our skin
Infinite craters plague these chambers of tin
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Forevermore

Call it sweet,
Call it neat,
Call it drab,
But in time
It will line
With the other
Cotton bears, it'll
Look warm and seep
Trough the underchair,
And plant the binding dime
Of Soft whistles and
Sweet fragments
Of the red death,
On the word of the
Sickly lady of the night,
And of the Scarlet beast
In Beth, don't enshrine
It as a whine,
On the line
Through the rusted
Rail,friend,
Its only stale,
Pale, and short tailed,
Just only if you
Sleep on the lemon patch
That, says, end

I understood yellow through the full frame of the window
I waltzed with the new eyes of receding frames of me alone
Her sickle tongue fled toward the dread to leave mine like a thread
And I like to say it bled, but it formed a groan
Unknowing of the words in the disease language I'll moan
The snake slithered back before I would need it sewn
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Foreverwind

Just, say,
Don't, doubt,
The hundred year
Drought will
Bind into the air
Once your mind
Paints in astral colors
It's not there
But this bridge between
Our lands of rooftops
With eyes and streets
Where the red is dye,
Is opening a crack
To sprinkle the start,
It showed it's crippling palms,
So lost, void,
It may have just
Fell apart

That last three hour trip
Turned into a four month dive
To seek through fake creaks, and a never ending peak
Just a cheap antique to fuel a hollow fronted drive
Escaping the dishevelled streets, that in heard cries its deprived
Only for a dime of a day, but in rusted sap it wouldn't dive
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Foreverclimb

Preach the whispers
Of the drowning ghost
From the ruins,
To still blend with the
Flame masked echoes from
The caves, the embers
Throw their tongue
And pummel the burning
Question into me,
Why am I so grave?
In the limelight
Of this city under
The moonlight,
The flying leaves
Behind the
Crouching shadow couldn't quite
Set the dash,
And the fever wrapped throat
Just sings,
That feather in the dawning light,
Was from the unicorn
With butterfly wings

I'm not the river, I'm not the spout, I'm just this quiver of doubt
But it, slowly, ever so slowly, drowns
After the dive, the looming line blooms into a shivering whine
It slowly, points just one that frowns
I will always see, the palm that dared to drown
It gripped this soil shrine, froze the cheetah light, and paced all the way down
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Forevermeant

In the water of sunny days
And in the water of rainy mornings
I still walk by the old house with my arms held out
Because I believe that if I wait long enough
You'll come back
And you'll reach out to my hand one last time
Because
Teddy bear stripper, the monkey, the unicorn will butterfly wings, the sickle soar,
Jessica
I know that
I want you to know
You were
My greatest love
And

You were


My greatest failure

Btw guys I meant to delete this in the other thread, but It won't let me

[Magpie]

Hi James,
It's me again, another beautifully written stylish piece. But also one which I find as baffling as I do fascinating, and like Time On My Hands said the other day, continue to read your poetry I will because of that style of yours.
Also it seems that the past few poems you've posted are very personal to you, which firstly makes them harder to understand the the references but also makes it harder for you when there is not a lot of comments being made. But like I said the other day, don't view that as a sign that people don't like your poetry.
At times it seems very cryptic like in this poem where it says "cheetah lights", and because I've noticed in your other poems how you've done clever little things with words, I'm always looking for anagrams or palindromes to help me. Therefore I managed to get "Chalet Heights" from "Cheetah lights" but later on it becomes "cheetah light" so I must be wrong. Also from "Where the red is dye" I found "Where they desired", "sickle soar" "coral skies" or I am going to deep.
"Submarine eyes" is a beautiful phrase, and so many others.
I'm kind of worried that if you don't get many other comments you'll be disheartened and you'll definitely get sick of me coming up with weird anagrams.
If I was you I would try in serious crit, but I never said that.
At least in there people would definitely comment and they could tell you what needs changing or whatever. Just as long as you make sure spelling is perfect and possibly use more punctuation. It's definitely worth a shot, what's the worst that could happen, you come back here and I'll give you some more anagrams. Think about it. Keep writing and I'm still reading the other poems you posted.
Thanks again for a trip round your world.
AR

[James]

Hi James,
It's me again, another beautifully written stylish piece. But also one which I find as baffling as I do fascinating, and like Time On My Hands said the other day, continue to read your poetry I will because of that style of yours.
Also it seems that the past few poems you've posted are very personal to you, which firstly makes them harder to understand the the references but also makes it harder for you when there is not a lot of comments being made. But like I said the other day, don't view that as a sign that people don't like your poetry.
At times it seems very cryptic like in this poem where it says "cheetah lights", and because I've noticed in your other poems how you've done clever little things with words, I'm always looking for anagrams or palindromes to help me. Therefore I managed to get "Chalet Heights" from "Cheetah lights" but later on it becomes "cheetah light" so I must be wrong. Also from "Where the red is dye" I found "Where they desired", "sickle soar" "coral skies" or I am going to deep.
"Submarine eyes" is a beautiful phrase, and so many others.
I'm kind of worried that if you don't get many other comments you'll be disheartened and you'll definitely get sick of me coming up with weird anagrams.
If I was you I would try in serious crit, but I never said that.
At least in there people would definitely comment and they could tell you what needs changing or whatever. Just as long as you make sure spelling is perfect and possibly use more punctuation. It's definitely worth a shot, what's the worst that could happen, you come back here and I'll give you some more anagrams. Think about it. Keep writing and I'm still reading the other poems you posted.
Thanks again for a trip round your world.
AR

But why would I do that If could get some more of your anagrams xD, and yeah that's kinda why I never went there, I'm not the best at punctuation. As for the references, this one in particular was actually like a retelling of this particular story about this girl I knew (Which is spread across 5 poems) in one. The third stanza would be difficult to get without reading the first poem, which is my fault though because I forgot to include that part of the story in the beginning. Its just pretty much me telling my friend who is no broken up with her that its alright. The cheetah light thing actually wasn't as deep as that, it was just my way of saying a green streets light because that line reflected my old attitude towards crossing streets, that I would "dance,through green lights". And "Where the red is dye" that was a build up of the kind of people we were and the environment. The town that we lived in, was in short the ghetto. What I was aiming was tied to the mirror attribute that I've been rambling on in it, about how we both liked to be I imaginative and like to think that there's more to the gang infested streets, which is would made it special and is (her being there too) what made me actually start to value life. And I appreciate it that you two still take the time to read them, I was starting to think nobody did.

[James]

Well I was told by AR that I should try posting here, now I have little to no knowledge on punctuation rules, just saying before hand, so if I could get any help with that than that would be great. Well here goes

All that tries
To dive into these
Submarine eyes
Is a dove
On of the
sweet spinning
Gloom of love
Or tomb
And what rides
Between those
Thinly blanked lines
Is a concreate-toned confide
That her mind
Will evermore be proned
To reside in the yellow sky
Of ivory nines

Dancing through cheetah lights
Dreaming on pebbles, or gazing on the wild walk I'd win
Is it a crime, so sublime in my same azure chime
Time can't still the climb to my waterfront grin
A smile would show thin in a walk of our skin
Infinite craters plague these chambers of tin
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Forevermore

Call it sweet,
Call it neat,
Call it drab,
But in time
It will line
With the other
Cotton bears, it'll
Look warm and seep
Trough the underchair,
And plant the binding dime
Of Soft whistles and
Sweet fragments
Of the red death,
On the word of the
Sickly lady of the night,
And of the Scarlet beast
In Beth, don't enshrine
It as a whine,
On the line
Through the rusted
Rail,friend,
Its only stale,
Pale, and short tailed,
Just only if you
Sleep on the lemon patch
That, says, end

I understood yellow through the full frame of the window
I waltzed with the new eyes of receding frames of me alone
Her sickle tongue fled toward the dread to leave mine like a thread
And I like to say it bled, but it formed a groan
Unknowing of the words in the disease language I'll moan
The snake slithered back before I would need it sewn
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Foreverwind

Just, say,
Don't, doubt,
The hundred year
Drought will
Bind into the air
Once your mind
Paints in astral colors
It's not there
But this bridge between
Our lands of rooftops
With eyes and streets
Where the red is dye,
Is opening a crack
To sprinkle the start,
It showed it's crippling palms,
So lost, void,
It may have just
Fell apart

That last three hour trip
Turned into a four month dive
To seek through fake creaks, and a never ending peak
Just a cheap antique to fuel a hollow fronted drive
Escaping the dishevelled streets, that in heard cries its deprived
Only for a dime of a day, but in rusted sap it wouldn't dive
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Foreverclimb

Preach the whispers
Of the drowning ghost
From the ruins,
To still blend with the
Flame masked echoes from
The caves, the embers
Throw their tongue
And pummel the burning
Question into me,
Why am I so grave?
In the limelight
Of this city under
The moonlight,
The flying leaves
Behind the
Crouching shadow couldn't quite
Set the dash,
And the fever wrapped throat
Just sings,
That feather in the dawning light,
Was from the unicorn
With butterfly wings

I'm not the river, I'm not the spout, I'm just this quiver of doubt
But it, slowly, ever so slowly, drowns
After the dive, the looming line blooms into a shivering whine
It slowly, points just one that frowns
I will always see, the palm that dared to drown
It gripped this soil shrine, froze the cheetah light, and paced all the way down
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Forevermeant

In the water of sunny days
And in the water of rainy mornings
I still walk by the old house with my arms held out
Because I believe that if I wait long enough
You'll come back
And you'll reach out to my hand one last time
Because
Teddy bear stripper, the monkey, the unicorn will butterfly wings, the sickle soar,
Jessica
I know that
I want you to know
You were
My greatest love
And

You were


My greatest failure

[tectak]

Well I was told by AR that I should try posting here, now I have little to no knowledge on punctuation rules, just saying before hand, so if I could get any help with that than that would be great. Well here goes

All that tries
To dive into these
Submarine eyes
Is a dove
On of the
sweet spinning
Gloom of love
Or tomb
And what rides
Between those
Thinly blanked lines
Is a concreate-toned confide
That her mind
Will evermore be proned
To reside in the yellow sky
Of ivory nines

Dancing through cheetah lights
Dreaming on pebbles, or gazing on the wild walk I'd win
Is it a crime, so sublime in my same azure chime
Time can't still the climb to my waterfront grin
A smile would show thin in a walk of our skin
Infinite craters plague these chambers of tin
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Forevermore

Call it sweet,
Call it neat,
Call it drab,
But in time
It will line
With the other
Cotton bears, it'll
Look warm and seep
Trough the underchair,
And plant the binding dime
Of Soft whistles and
Sweet fragments
Of the red death,
On the word of the
Sickly lady of the night,
And of the Scarlet beast
In Beth, don't enshrine
It as a whine,
On the line
Through the rusted
Rail,friend,
Its only stale,
Pale, and short tailed,
Just only if you
Sleep on the lemon patch
That, says, end

I understood yellow through the full frame of the window
I waltzed with the new eyes of receding frames of me alone
Her sickle tongue fled toward the dread to leave mine like a thread
And I like to say it bled, but it formed a groan
Unknowing of the words in the disease language I'll moan
The snake slithered back before I would need it sewn
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Foreverwind

Just, say,
Don't, doubt,
The hundred year
Drought will
Bind into the air
Once your mind
Paints in astral colors
It's not there
But this bridge between
Our lands of rooftops
With eyes and streets
Where the red is dye,
Is opening a crack
To sprinkle the start,
It showed it's crippling palms,
So lost, void,
It may have just
Fell apart

That last three hour trip
Turned into a four month dive
To seek through fake creaks, and a never ending peak
Just a cheap antique to fuel a hollow fronted drive
Escaping the dishevelled streets, that in heard cries its deprived
Only for a dime of a day, but in rusted sap it wouldn't dive
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Foreverclimb

Preach the whispers
Of the drowning ghost
From the ruins,
To still blend with the
Flame masked echoes from
The caves, the embers
Throw their tongue
And pummel the burning
Question into me,
Why am I so grave?
In the limelight
Of this city under
The moonlight,
The flying leaves
Behind the
Crouching shadow couldn't quite
Set the dash,
And the fever wrapped throat
Just sings,
That feather in the dawning light,
Was from the unicorn
With butterfly wings

I'm not the river, I'm not the spout, I'm just this quiver of doubt
But it, slowly, ever so slowly, drowns
After the dive, the looming line blooms into a shivering whine
It slowly, points just one that frowns
I will always see, the palm that dared to drown
It gripped this soil shrine, froze the cheetah light, and paced all the way down
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Forevermeant

In the water of sunny days
And in the water of rainy mornings
I still walk by the old house with my arms held out
Because I believe that if I wait long enough
You'll come back
And you'll reach out to my hand one last time
Because
Teddy bear stripper, the monkey, the unicorn will butterfly wings, the sickle soar,
Jessica
I know that
I want you to know
You were
My greatest love
And

You were


My greatest failure this last stanza is very rescuable and stands on its own merits. It is even good. Dump the rest or break it all up into moot pieces.

.....or perhaps not. This is way too long to plough through.
Punctuation IS a huge problem but is the least worrying. It is a hopelessly tangled ramble. Word use is incompetant and profligate without proficiency. It says nothing with clarity. It is a cliched (circa1960) diatribe of little poetic merit. Do some work yourself, first. See forum rules.Punctuate it to the best of your ability then repost. If you have already punctuated to the best of your ability then repost in mild. Serious crit is not the place for having basic errors corrected.
There are at least six poems in this. Tidy it up or even mild crit forum may offend you.
Best,
tectak
PS You may get something worth while out of this if you get a grip on yourself.

[James]

Geez man I only meant like a tip or two on it (puncuation). Can you elaborate on how you found it clichéd though?, I don't understand. Also the same with my word use, what exactly about it was incompetent. I don't really get offended easily, but I'd like for you to at least give examples to go along with your crit on it, instead of just saying there's something wrong, I'd like to see why you thought that way. And get a grip on myself? Im sorry that I asked for a little help on punctuation, theres no need to attack the poet personally for it. And once again, with moot pieces, and little poetic merit, this is full of poetic devices that I actually spent time writing, elaborate on that, because from here it looks like your saying that just because you didn't get it. And i'll try to find someone that could possibly help me with minor tips on punctuation, and maybe repost it.

Thanks,
-James

[tectak]

Geez man I only meant like a tip or two on it (puncuation). Can you elaborate on how you found it clichéd though?, I don't understand. Also the same with my word use, what exactly about it was incompetent. I don't really get offended easily, but I'd like for you to at least give examples to go along with your crit on it, instead of just saying there's something wrong, I'd like to see why you thought that way. And get a grip on myself? Im sorry that I asked for a little help on punctuation, theres no need to attack the poet personally for it. And once again, with moot pieces, and little poetic merit, this is full of poetic devices that I actually spent time writing, elaborate on that, because from here it looks like your saying that just because you didn't get it. And i'll try to find someone that could possibly help me with minor tips on punctuation, and maybe repost it.

Thanks,
-James

Hi james,
First, punctuation. Here is a randomly chosen "block" from your piece, as you wrote it.Is the punctuation good?

Just, say, Don't, doubt, The hundred year Drought will Bind into the air Once your mind Paints in astral colors It's not there But this bridge between Our lands of rooftops With eyes and streets Where the red is dye, Is opening a crack To sprinkle the start, It showed it's crippling palms, So lost, void, It may have just Fell apart

Line breaks do not punctuate. Ever. If you edit this and repost you will only make it better.

Word use: Fallen apart.
" Will evermore be proned" Check "prone"
concreate. concrete
seep trough the underchair. through.
denote of the sickle soar. denote? Nonsense.

There is much of a similar vein which detracts fom the message.

I don't EVER try to "get" a poem. If it is clear I am happy with the concept, if it is unclear I am not...but the crit is the same. If you cannot see what I see....you don't "get" it either
Best,
tectak
Edit and we will go at it again...or leave as is and go home happy. Your poem.

[James]

Geez man I only meant like a tip or two on it (puncuation). Can you elaborate on how you found it clichéd though?, I don't understand. Also the same with my word use, what exactly about it was incompetent. I don't really get offended easily, but I'd like for you to at least give examples to go along with your crit on it, instead of just saying there's something wrong, I'd like to see why you thought that way. And get a grip on myself? Im sorry that I asked for a little help on punctuation, theres no need to attack the poet personally for it. And once again, with moot pieces, and little poetic merit, this is full of poetic devices that I actually spent time writing, elaborate on that, because from here it looks like your saying that just because you didn't get it. And i'll try to find someone that could possibly help me with minor tips on punctuation, and maybe repost it.

Thanks,
-James

Hi james,
First, punctuation. Here is a randomly chosen "block" from your piece, as you wrote it.Is the punctuation good?

Just, say, Don't, doubt, The hundred year Drought will Bind into the air Once your mind Paints in astral colors It's not there But this bridge between Our lands of rooftops With eyes and streets Where the red is dye, Is opening a crack To sprinkle the start, It showed it's crippling palms, So lost, void, It may have just Fell apart

Line breaks do not punctuate. Ever. If you edit this and repost you will only make it better.

Word use: Fallen apart.
" Will evermore be proned" Check "prone"
concreate. concrete
seep trough the underchair. through.
denote of the sickle soar. denote? Nonsense.

There is much of a similar vein which detracts fom the message.

I don't EVER try to "get" a poem. If it is clear I am happy with the concept, if it is unclear I am not...but the crit is the same. If you cannot see what I see....you don't "get" it either
Best,
tectak
Edit and we will go at it again...or leave as is and go home happy. Your poem.

I will edit this soon, but one thing. Okay I understand that I used fallen apart, I did that so that I can still leave the reader parts that are easier to understand. What you did was criticise my entire word use, you cannot sit here and tell me that line in particular is a good representation of the whole. If you think that I should just make the whole thing as complicated then fine, I didn't know it was that much of a problem. Concrete was entirely my fault on misspelling, thank you for telling me that. "Seep trough the underchair", again a spelling error, not that serious to say that the entire word use is incompetent. And "denote"? Look it up, wait I'll do it for you
Definition of DENOTE
1
: to serve as an indication of : betoken 2
: to serve as an arbitrary mark for

" to serve as an arbitrary mark for the sickle soar"
The sickle soar?
The entire 4th stanza was about that, the sickle was her tongue, and the soar came from all that it closely encountered, the point of the "denote of the sickle soar" Was the meaning of the after affects of being close to her.

I may have worded that wrong, what I meant to say, was the problem with putting something down because you don't understand it. It was more directed at you not understanding the metaphors and such, so you said basically that they weren't there.

I apologise if I sounded rude with this, I really do appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment on my work, your completely right in punctuation, and I'll put my best effort into improving it. Also if you have any other lines that you thought were nonsense then I'd be happy to tell you more or less what it meant.

Thanks again man, I really appreciate it, and I'll make sure to show you this again once its punctuated better,
P.S. Have a good trip

[billy]

><><
thanks for geez man

it started my day off with a smile. hi james. sometimes a poem feels as though it needs to much of edit to be in serious. perhaps mild or novice would be better suited where the feedback is still honest but less harsh.
i'll have a go at giving you some feedback on it in now.

Geez man I only meant like a tip or two on it (puncuation). Can you elaborate on how you found it clichéd though?, I don't understand. Also the same with my word use, what exactly about it was incompetent. I don't really get offended easily, but I'd like for you to at least give examples to go along with your crit on it, instead of just saying there's something wrong, I'd like to see why you thought that way. And get a grip on myself? Im sorry that I asked for a little help on punctuation, theres no need to attack the poet personally for it. And once again, with moot pieces, and little poetic merit, this is full of poetic devices that I actually spent time writing, elaborate on that, because from here it looks like your saying that just because you didn't get it. And i'll try to find someone that could possibly help me with minor tips on punctuation, and maybe repost it.

Thanks,
-James

[James]

><><
thanks for geez man

it started my day off with a smile. hi james. sometimes a poem feels as though it needs to much of edit to be in serious. perhaps mild or novice would be better suited where the feedback is still honest but less harsh.
i'll have a go at giving you some feedback on it in now.

Geez man I only meant like a tip or two on it (puncuation). Can you elaborate on how you found it clichéd though?, I don't understand. Also the same with my word use, what exactly about it was incompetent. I don't really get offended easily, but I'd like for you to at least give examples to go along with your crit on it, instead of just saying there's something wrong, I'd like to see why you thought that way. And get a grip on myself? Im sorry that I asked for a little help on punctuation, theres no need to attack the poet personally for it. And once again, with moot pieces, and little poetic merit, this is full of poetic devices that I actually spent time writing, elaborate on that, because from here it looks like your saying that just because you didn't get it. And i'll try to find someone that could possibly help me with minor tips on punctuation, and maybe repost it.

Thanks,
-James

No problem Billy, anyday that I make a person smile is a day well spent , I know I've posted quite a few on mild, but on mild I wasn't able to get too much of a constructive response due to how complicated it was, so a member suggested that I try posting here. He did mention to try to make the punctuation better, but I wasn't too sure how so I thought definitely someone here would have a tip. But thank for still having a go at it, because you know, the punctuation . I'll be looking forward to your honest opinion on it

[billy]

i started the line by line feedback james and have to say i was struggling to get to grips with the poem. i don't think punctuation can save the poem or help it enough to make it more readable. it will obviously make sense to you (the poem) but for the reader it's very disjointed and unusually scripted to say the least. after a few read i did see an attempt at hip hop or rap but it's the legibility that lets the poem down. which i could have been more help.

Well I was told by AR that I should try posting here, now I have little to no knowledge on punctuation rules, just saying before hand, so if I could get any help with that than that would be great. Well here goes

All that tries
To dive into these
Submarine eyes what does this mean?
Is a dove
On of the
sweet spinning
Gloom of love
Or tomb
And what rides
Between those
Thinly blanked lines
Is a concreate-toned confide
That her mind
Will evermore be proned
To reside in the yellow sky
Of ivory nines i'm struggling to comprehend what's been written so far which makes it hard to comment on other than i couldn't understand it for the main part

Dancing through cheetah lights i like this line but again i can't see why it's here or what the metaphor is.
Dreaming on pebbles, or gazing on the wild walk I'd win
Is it a crime, so sublime in my same azure chime there's a thread about forced rhyme, this is forced internal rhyme.
Time can't still the climb to my waterfront grin what is a waterfront grin?
A smile would show thin in a walk of our skin
Infinite craters plague these chambers of tin
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Forevermore again, what does this line mean?

Call it sweet,
Call it neat,
Call it drab,
But in time
It will line
With the other
Cotton bears, it'll
Look warm and seep
Trough the underchair,
And plant the binding dime
Of Soft whistles and
Sweet fragments
Of the red death,
On the word of the
Sickly lady of the night,
And of the Scarlet beast
In Beth, don't enshrine
It as a whine,
On the line
Through the rusted
Rail,friend,
Its only stale,
Pale, and short tailed,
Just only if you
Sleep on the lemon patch
That, says, end

I understood yellow through the full frame of the window
I waltzed with the new eyes of receding frames of me alone
Her sickle tongue fled toward the dread to leave mine like a thread
And I like to say it bled, but it formed a groan
Unknowing of the words in the disease language I'll moan
The snake slithered back before I would need it sewn
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Foreverwind

Just, say,
Don't, doubt,
The hundred year
Drought will
Bind into the air
Once your mind
Paints in astral colors
It's not there
But this bridge between
Our lands of rooftops
With eyes and streets
Where the red is dye,
Is opening a crack
To sprinkle the start,
It showed it's crippling palms,
So lost, void,
It may have just
Fell apart

That last three hour trip
Turned into a four month dive
To seek through fake creaks, and a never ending peak
Just a cheap antique to fuel a hollow fronted drive
Escaping the dishevelled streets, that in heard cries its deprived
Only for a dime of a day, but in rusted sap it wouldn't dive
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Foreverclimb

Preach the whispers
Of the drowning ghost
From the ruins,
To still blend with the
Flame masked echoes from
The caves, the embers
Throw their tongue
And pummel the burning
Question into me,
Why am I so grave?
In the limelight
Of this city under
The moonlight,
The flying leaves
Behind the
Crouching shadow couldn't quite
Set the dash,
And the fever wrapped throat
Just sings,
That feather in the dawning light,
Was from the unicorn
With butterfly wings

I'm not the river, I'm not the spout, I'm just this quiver of doubt
But it, slowly, ever so slowly, drowns
After the dive, the looming line blooms into a shivering whine
It slowly, points just one that frowns
I will always see, the palm that dared to drown
It gripped this soil shrine, froze the cheetah light, and paced all the way down
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Forevermeant

In the water of sunny days
And in the water of rainy mornings
I still walk by the old house with my arms held out
Because I believe that if I wait long enough
You'll come back
And you'll reach out to my hand one last time
Because
Teddy bear stripper, the monkey, the unicorn will butterfly wings, the sickle soar,
Jessica
I know that
I want you to know
You were
My greatest love
And

You were


My greatest failure

---

No problem Billy, anyday that I make a person smile is a day well spent , I know I've posted quite a few on mild, but on mild I wasn't able to get too much of a constructive response due to how complicated it was, so a member suggested that I try posting here. He did mention to try to make the punctuation better, but I wasn't too sure how so I thought definitely someone here would have a tip. But thank for still having a go at it, because you know, the punctuation . I'll be looking forward to your honest opinion on it

the length of the poem in this case is your downfall. it's very hard to pick at a couple of things in such a long poem when it's a substantial write. it's also hard to critique it in serious because many would see something wrong in most of the lines.

if you want to work shop it, throw it in mild and i'll help you go through it piece by piece but in a less dramatic way than here in serious. that way people can maybe give insights as opposed to head on collisions.

---

What you did was criticise my entire word use, you cannot sit here and tell me that line in particular is a good representation of the whole.

in the main part, yes james. i'm not sticking up for tom but i will reinforce his feedback. 80% of the lines held little or no continuity or legibility as far as understanding the poem went. i know from when i started writing poetry that such statements can be fucking nauseating to read >< and i understand how you feel but tom is on your side. i know i am. if you want to improve. i know he and i will help as best we can.

most of of our feedback on your poem isn't about style. it's about understanding

[James]

Hi Billy,

Submarine eyes served two purposes. One was solely just to tell her eye color, deep blue, and then there's the poetic meaning. It was to show her sadness, which is later then told about how she deals with it. The first stanza was mainly about personality traits of her, cause you know, I talk about her for awhile so I'd like the reader to know about her. Like for instance, the majority of it was telling about how everyone she meets is first on "Honey-moon phase." So pretty much she's the kind of person who loves everybody, but that can quickly change, and very soon. The other part is that between her outer appearance of always seeming to be happy, which comes from her loving everybody, she struggled and made sure that there's an unbreakable vow that she's never going to let anything get to her and always be on constant cloud nines (just a rewording of that cliché so that the message would be easier).

"Dancing through cheetah lights" - This is when it goes to me, this was my way of saying green light. It was meant to show my attitude towards crossing streets, which is then showing my attitude on life. Little care for it, If I die, I die, thats it, (which is the next line). Thanks for spotting the forced rhyme I couldn't really think of something that would ryhme more naturally there. Waterfront grin. my waterfront grin, is her, because when looking in the water you see your reflection, but its not exactly the same (like position wise). So the point was I saw myself in her, put there was still something different. "Denote of the Sickle Soar" this is explained in the 4th stanza, but I'll explain it here, the sickle was her tongue, and the soar came from all that it closely encountered, the point of the "denote of the sickle soar" Was the meaning of the after affects of being close to her.

Hope this helped, and if you still want to continue reading and ask questions, I'm not really going anywhere, wait I am, darn it, well I'll be back soon.

[billy]

yes james. this is my point, you know and understand everything you wrote. we well me, struggled to, mainly because i'm not you and i never had the code to open the poem up. while explanations after the read may help. the poem still causes problems when read, for all the reasons mentioned.

[James]

yes james. this is my point, you know and understand everything you wrote. we well me, struggled to, mainly because i'm not you and i never had the code to open the poem up. while explanations after the read may help. the poem still causes problems when read, for all the reasons mentioned.

I understand Billy, I was actually thinking of now on making my poems, well less in need of a code to open them up. I think I may have went a bit overboard there, with making people struggle, which I'll try to now stay away from. This really opened my eyes, I guess this repays me the "Geez" thing.

P.S.- Its already on mild critique, Its still on the upper part of the middle on the first page, I believe

[newsclippings]

For me, poetry is meant to be brief. It's designed to make the reader feel some way, and if you succeed in making your audience feel the way you want them to, I think you win.

Your poem did make me feel something. It was laziness. I could not even skim through all of it. And personally, I think that's both our faults. Or maybe just mine if you want to blame society for extending abbreviations into every facet of our lives (and me just being a product of my generation... there's always a direction to point the finger). But I suggest either splitting it up or making it a short story. Or leave it as is. Maybe you know something we don't.

[rowens]

This is a love poem that's almost disguised as something else. I figure the younger someone is, the more apt they are to stick a love story into everything; and to build everything out of a love affair. The civilized human race is still young in that way. And that's almost a good thing: as I see it. I've already plotted my rebellion against the Transhuman movement.

A poem like this isn't very complicated; I doubt it's the best you can do, and things you do later on will be more worthy of studying or wrestling with. But there's too many other things going on when it's on a website with new poems arriving every few minutes. I think it's fine to put a lot into a poem that might take others a lot of trouble to work out, or that might even need secondary poems or material to get at; as long as the poem is made worth their while. As long as they're pulled into it in some way, that drives them to struggle with it.

One way to spark interest is to build up: Start with Dubliners or Portrait of an Artist..., and built them up to Ulysses. Get them interested with "Love Me Do", then quickly slip in "A Day in the Life", and when you know for sure that you have their attention and admiration, blast them with "Revolution No. 9".

But that's just the way popular culture does it. And I'm even giving its examples here, the way it does. There are other ways. Just make something up.

And if you still think this poem is worth it, keep struggling with it yourself. Whether you ever change it or not.

[tectak]

Geez man I only meant like a tip or two on it (puncuation). Can you elaborate on how you found it clichéd though?, I don't understand. Also the same with my word use, what exactly about it was incompetent. I don't really get offended easily, but I'd like for you to at least give examples to go along with your crit on it, instead of just saying there's something wrong, I'd like to see why you thought that way. And get a grip on myself? Im sorry that I asked for a little help on punctuation, theres no need to attack the poet personally for it. And once again, with moot pieces, and little poetic merit, this is full of poetic devices that I actually spent time writing, elaborate on that, because from here it looks like your saying that just because you didn't get it. And i'll try to find someone that could possibly help me with minor tips on punctuation, and maybe repost it.

Thanks,
-James

Hi james,
First, punctuation. Here is a randomly chosen "block" from your piece, as you wrote it.Is the punctuation good?

Just, say, Don't, doubt, The hundred year Drought will Bind into the air Once your mind Paints in astral colors It's not there But this bridge between Our lands of rooftops With eyes and streets Where the red is dye, Is opening a crack To sprinkle the start, It showed it's crippling palms, So lost, void, It may have just Fell apart

Line breaks do not punctuate. Ever. If you edit this and repost you will only make it better.

Word use: Fallen apart.
" Will evermore be proned" Check "prone"
concreate. concrete
seep trough the underchair. through.
denote of the sickle soar. denote? Nonsense.

There is much of a similar vein which detracts fom the message.

I don't EVER try to "get" a poem. If it is clear I am happy with the concept, if it is unclear I am not...but the crit is the same. If you cannot see what I see....you don't "get" it either
Best,
tectak
Edit and we will go at it again...or leave as is and go home happy. Your poem.

I will edit this soon, but one thing. Okay I understand that I used fallen apart, I did that so that I can still leave the reader parts that are easier to understand. What? What you did was criticise my entire word use, you cannot sit here This exemplifies the problem. I am not sitting nor am I there. You use words as though they are floating randomly in alphabet soup. Tighten up. and tell me that line in particular is a good representation of the whole. If you think that I should just make the whole thing as complicated then fine, I didn't know it was that much of a problem. Concrete was entirely my fault on misspelling, thank you for telling me that. "Seep trough the underchair", again a spelling error, not that serious to say that the entire word use is incompetent. And "denote"? Look it up, wait I'll do it for you
Definition of DENOTE
1
: to serve as an indication of : betoken 2
: to serve as an arbitrary mark for Exactly. Note the syntax. DenoTING. So you should have written "Denoting the mark of the sickle soar" Denote is NOT a noun...unless speaking gangsta. "To serve" is the operator.

" to serve as an arbitrary mark for the sickle soar"
The sickle soar?
The entire 4th stanza was about that, the sickle was her tongue, and the soar came from all that it closely encountered, the point of the "denote of the sickle soar" Was the meaning of the after affects of being close to her. Your explanation is inexplicable.

I may have worded that wrong, what I meant to say, was the problem with putting something down because you don't understand it. It was more directed at you not understanding the metaphors and such, so you said basically that they weren't there.

I apologise if I sounded rude with this, I really do appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment on my work, your completely right in punctuation, and I'll put my best effort into improving it. Also if you have any other lines that you thought were nonsense then I'd be happy to tell you more or less what it meant.

Thanks again man, I really appreciate it, and I'll make sure to show you this again once its punctuated better,
P.S. Have a good trip

None of my critique is unjustified and it is all constructive. You may need to deconstruct to begin the building process. Punctuation. Read what you have written OUT LOUD and NOTE where you naturally pause.
At these points you will need an indication in the form of a squiggly mark. Metaphors.Metaphors are meant to CLARIFY a difficult point/concept/ thought by relating to a parallel example which is easy to assimilate.They should never be more enigmatic than the item they are referring to. This defeats the purpose entirely.
Best,
tectak

[James]

This is a love poem that's almost disguised as something else. I figure the younger someone is, the more apt they are to stick a love story into everything; and to build everything out of a love affair. The civilized human race is still young in that way. And that's almost a good thing: as I see it. I've already plotted my rebellion against the Transhuman movement.

A poem like this isn't very complicated; I doubt it's the best you can do, and things you do later on will be more worthy of studying or wrestling with. But there's too many other things going on when it's on a website with new poems arriving every few minutes. I think it's fine to put a lot into a poem that might take others a lot of trouble to work out, or that might even need secondary poems or material to get at; as long as the poem is made worth their while. As long as they're pulled into it in some way, that drives them to struggle with it.

One way to spark interest is to build up: Start with Dubliners or Portrait of an Artist..., and built them up to Ulysses. Get them interested with "Love Me Do", then quickly slip in "A Day in the Life", and when you know for sure that you have their attention and admiration, blast them with "Revolution No. 9".

But that's just the way popular culture does it. And I'm even giving its examples here, the way it does. There are other ways. Just make something up.

And if you still think this poem is worth it, keep struggling with it yourself. Whether you ever change it or not.

It may not seem like it, but its actually something else disguised as a love poem. And well your right its not the most that I can do, I don't really like to write about love, I wrote this because it was something that really happened to me. In actuality what this was, was the thing that made life in the ghetto (well hood) a little bit easier. The main purpose of it, was the turning point of my ideals about life. From not caring for it all, to actually being something that I'd like to wake up to, then back to shit. And that even though life in the ghetto is shit and lonely, mostly due to the majority of the population being fucking animals, sometimes its not even that bad, because sometimes you meet someone that gives you hope.