Tangled Trees

[Lollipop]

Tangled Trees

I remember when you used to smile.
Blue skies, fluffy clouds and that spark in your eyes.
Sunlight and happiness and not a care in the world.
Laughing and dancing through a beautiful life.


I remember when you used to surprise.
Bustling through life like we had no time.
Cities and buildings, flashes of light.
Running and leaping around the world.


Used to

Used to, used to, used to.

I remember when you used to make me cry.
I definitely remember that spark in your eyes.
Dark clouds and thunder and blood on the trees.
Sadness and regret and pitiful pleads.

I remember.

[Brownlie]

Tangled Trees

I remember when you used to smile.
Blue skies, fluffy clouds and that spark in your eyes.
Sunlight and happiness and not a care in the world.--- happiness is vague
Laughing and dancing through a beautiful life.--- Beautiful life describe in more detail


I remember when you used to surprise.
Bustling through life like we had no time.
Cities and buildings, flashes of light.
Running and leaping around the world.


Used to

Used to, used to, used to.

I remember when you used to make me cry.-- this emotion can be expanded on
I definitely remember that spark in your eyes.
Dark clouds and thunder and blood on the trees.- This is my favorite line
Sadness and regret and pitiful pleads.

I remember.

Sorry no one commented on your work. This poem could benifit on more clarity

[Volaticus]

Tangled Trees

I remember when you used to smile.
Blue skies, fluffy clouds and that spark in your eyes.
Sunlight and happiness and not a care in the world.
Laughing and dancing through a beautiful life.


I remember when you used to surprise.
Bustling through life like we had no time.
Cities and buildings, flashes of light.
Running and leaping around the world.


Used to

Used to, used to, used to.

I remember when you used to make me cry.
I definitely remember that spark in your eyes.
Dark clouds and thunder and blood on the trees.
Sadness and regret and pitiful pleads.

I remember.

Hi Lollipop,
The thing I noticed about your poem, is the lack of original turns of phrase. I'd probably say that a lot of it is cliche, and has been said many times before. An example: 'Blue skies, fluffy clouds and that spark in your eyes'. I get the sentiment, but for me as a reader to keep interest, the words need to be striking and original. Those are not I'm afraid. I really loved the 'blood on the trees' part, that was an interesting image. All is of course JMHO, to take with a grain of salt, as I am in no way an expert.
-LB

[rowens]

Last time I read this I decided not to say anything about it. You might not have put much in the first part of it, but that doesn't matter since that all gets emptied out at the end. Near the end, it turns in on itself, and begins to eat itself. It might sound simplistic, and you might have simply been simplistic when you were writing it. But even the sing-song bla bla rhymes and typical things work for it if you read it with a certain tone. If you don't read it with that tone, it doesn't work well. And it's more of a flavor than a tone that I read it with. And that flavor works even better than the tone. And that might sound like it's saying a lot; but that's not saying much.

[qwerty_H]

Hey. I definitely feel the emotion of this piece!! The ending is very nice. I thought some of the earlier lines were a bit corny though. Blue skies, fluffy clouds, sparks in your eyes, stuff like that. Good luck with it!

Thanks

-H

[Lollipop]

Hi,

Thank you so much for the replies! I wanted the start of it to sound simple and corny-a kind of typical romance, light and cliched. But I think I need to put more passion into the beginning to make readers feel the story. I think there is a certain tone that it has to be read in, and it's hard to do that when the start is so light and blah blah, you automatically read it in that tone. I will definitely have to work on the beginning of it as it's not working. Thank you so much

[tadaki]

Hey, just wanted to say I really liked this. Despite what everyone says I kind of liked the cliched first stanza hahaha I got the feeling it was delibrately written that way to contrast with something totally different later on (and the end was definitely different haha)

My favourite line in the second stanza is "Cities and buildings, flashes of light.", because to me it feels like the poem is speeding up to something, but maybe the rest of stanza doesn't do as much for me.

3rd stanza is my favourite, I liked the "blood on the trees" part much like everyone else, though I must say I'm not really sure what that refers too. It's a really interesting image nevertheless and definitely the one I like most hahah

I can't offer any ideas on how to improve it, but it'll be nice to read it again if you choose to. Thanks for sharing!

[GDavid]

I liked the rhythm and the rhyme. I Did notice the cliches. Your work was enjoyable and one of the best reads of the day for me.. THANK YOU for the sharing of your poetry.

[Bunx]

Tangled Trees

I remember when you used to smile.
Blue skies, fluffy clouds and that spark in your eyes.
Sunlight and happiness and not a care in the world.
Laughing and dancing through a beautiful life.


I remember when you used to surprise.
Bustling through life like we had no time.
Cities and buildings, flashes of light.
Running and leaping around the world.


Used to

Used to, used to, used to.

I remember when you used to make me cry.
I definitely remember that spark in your eyes.
Dark clouds and thunder and blood on the trees.
Sadness and regret and pitiful pleads.

I remember.

the thematic change after the line "Used to, Used to, used to."
seems to be a shift in tonality. when i read it, it got more monotone.
i hope my advice can help you highlight this tonality change to a greater extent.