Peripheral but Plainly in View

[ferreiv]

Peipheral, but Plainly in View

Imagine being the flower
That only receives water
That ricochets from the petals of another.
To be incidental.
Peripheral, yet plainly in view.
Vestigial.
How it must long for the embrace of the rain.

[serge gurkski]

I voted for: needs work.
Not much work. ,-)
1. The caps starting each line are not directly wrong but not sexy. So not sexy!
2. Typo in the first word of the title you needlessly (to add to the fun) repeated inside your post.
3. l2: that plus l3: that. "That" is not that cute a word to use it twice in 2 lines in a row.
4. l4 starts from nowhere syntactically speaking: In spoken language: yes. In written language regardless of content rather: no. This reader thinks "Imagine to be incidental". But it is not there: "Imagine".
5. l5: ditto
6. l6: ditto
7. l7. ditto

The content is good if a tad enigmatic. It is a good metaphor but for what exactly?
Let's assume the poet leaves it up to the reader to decide. I, this reader, would then imagine to be that flower. Am I like a flower, like the one described by ferreiv and if so, how comes? Do I not get what I should rightly - by natural law, even - deserve to receive? Food, money, respect, love. I can't tell. I cannot tell, if I have a right to water (to stay inside the metaphorical musing you invite me to). ,-)

Had you set this poem, which, in my opinion, it is, into a more concrete framework: political e.g. I would applaud you. It could be a poem of the Négritude or the Harlem Renaissance, it could echo somewhat Langston Hughes' Backlash Blues, mourning social injustice etc. just without the hitting back that nobilized at that time Hughes as much as Senghor and Césaire. (sorry: I am just reading Césaire these days, but all your potential readers bring their backgrounds with them).
An object, a living being "plainly in view" AND "vestigial" invokes compassion. This at least is a clear if subliminally transferred message. But as long as I don't know who it is who needs my, this reader's compassion, whom am I to give it to?

I voted for: needs work. Maybe it makes sense to you now why I did.

perplexed cheers

serge

[tectak]

Peipheral, but Plainly in View

Imagine being the flower
That only receives water
That ricochets from the petals of another.
To be incidental.
Peripheral, yet plainly in view.
Vestigial.
How it must long for the embrace of the rain.

Hi fer,
To save time I am entirely with serge on this one. To supplement my own crit I would suggest that you take the concept that you have barely outlined...and write a poem around it.
Check for basic errors before posting. See forum rules. You give a lot away if you fail to spot glaring typos. You don't care?...nor will the crits.
Best,
tectak

[ferreiv]

Wow, wonderful feedback. Thanks! I have some things to ponder. Also I apologize for the typo. English is not my first language.

[billy]

we don't do the poll thing in the main feedback forums, if we like something, we'll say so.
please give feedback elsewhere

Peipheral, but Plainly in View

Imagine being the flower
That only receives water
That ricochets from the petals of another.
To be incidental.
Peripheral, yet plainly in view.
Vestigial.
How it must long for the embrace of the rain.