Rough Morning?

[Bunx]

mourning?

Meh, I wish I could have warned her back then.
This is not a walk in the dark.
It's a rodeo with no clown.

So why sometimes do you fight frowns,
when my favorite color is brown?
She stands atop of mounds.
They're crashing down on top of me.

Blessed with every hit.
Hurt with every miss.
Reflecting boneless dogs,
in a graveyard full of rot.
Moans of the deceased
warning me at every meet.

Who knows where it goes from here.
Step by step
pill by pill
sanity to madness
madness to sanity.
I will always lose you.

Angels, sadness I have loved.
you know who you are.
Looking down from college.

Rough morning? Hm,

[Leanne]

You've done some really interesting things with cliches and for me that's pretty much the only forgiveable way to use them -- subversion is the key. The rhymes sprinkled throughout give this a good sound, although a little more work with meter will help you out even more. Your punctuation could use some fixing -- for example, the full stops at the end of lines in the first stanza are all wrong except the last one. Good bones though, and it's fleshing out pretty well

[Bunx]

You've done some really interesting things with cliches and for me that's pretty much the only forgiveable way to use them -- subversion is the key. The rhymes sprinkled throughout give this a good sound, although a little more work with meter will help you out even more. Your punctuation could use some fixing -- for example, the full stops at the end of lines in the first stanza are all wrong except the last one. Good bones though, and it's fleshing out pretty well

thanks leanne for the insightful comments. i changed up a bunch of grammar (the weakest of my "skills"), as well as deleted some words.

[Ryan_w_r]

You've done some really interesting things with cliches and for me that's pretty much the only forgiveable way to use them -- subversion is the key. The rhymes sprinkled throughout give this a good sound, although a little more work with meter will help you out even more. Your punctuation could use some fixing -- for example, the full stops at the end of lines in the first stanza are all wrong except the last one. Good bones though, and it's fleshing out pretty well

thanks leanne for the insightful comments. i changed up a bunch of grammar (the weakest of my "skills"), as well as deleted some words.

I enjoyed reading this a lot... And I must admit the second time I read it, I did so while singing it aloud in my Hank Williams Jr. Voice it reads like a song to me. Look forward to reading more from you

[Bunx]

I enjoyed reading this a lot... And I must admit the second time I read it, I did so while singing it aloud in my Hank Williams Jr. Voice it reads like a song to me. Look forward to reading more from you
[/quote]

Thanks alot ryan!! and I am honored i got a hank williams voice at of this poem. i think i can sleep easy not that i don't.

[tadaki]

I liked this, especially the third stanza and I agree, it was a song in my head too! Albeit with my own voice heh it was really interesting to read but I must say I didn't catch a lot of the cliches hahah time to brush up on my knowledge I suppose hahah thank you for sharing this!

[lifethroughwords]

I do not know much about poetry, but I did enjoy this. It was easy for me to relate to. I look forward to reading more of your work.

[Bunx]

wow it seems as if everyone has had a rough morning.
duel thanks alot of the feed back, same with everyone else. ill sharpen this one up a bit.
first post!

[tectak]

EDIT 1
Rough morning?
Meh, I wish I could have warned her back then.
This is not a walk,
in the dark.
It's a rodeo, with no clown.

So why sometimes do you fight frowns?
When my favorite color is brown.
You, always standing atop, of mounds.
Lone mounds,
crashing down ontop of me.

I feel blessed with every hit.
Hurt with every miss,
like a dog without a bone,
in a graveyard full of stones.
With the moans of the deceased,
warning me at every meet.

Who knows where it goes from here.
Step by step,
pill by pill,
fear, and fear.
I have lost and will always lose you.

My Angel, the only girl I have loved.
Ha, you know who you are.
Looking down at me from a red brick tower afar.
Pray for me so i don’t make my same mistake.
Pray for me so my heart stops to quake.

Rough morning? Hm, My angel I pray.
Make me say, that I will love you this way.
When I look at you higher place, bring me back to grace.
When I win a race, bring my back to last place.

Babe. Remember? Your running

Hi bunx,
I am the worst of the anti-cliche lynch-mob and would hang'em all high given the chance BUT I am entirely (unusual) with Leanne on this one. My biggest chew with those who slip in cliches is their naive belief that no one has read anything before and that they will not be aware of the the inadequacy in the poet. So it is a matter of purpose rather than paucity that permits the use of cliches as you have done.
On to other matters.Punctuation. If you ARE going to use it, use it correctly. If not, expect some criticism from purists but ignore if you so wish; it is your evolution that is at stake, not theirs.
No comma S1, end L2.
I won't go on and on, as this is not the right forum (sadly, but your choice. Do you want me to move it to serious for a real bashing?Just say.) but glaring at me is:
"So why sometimes do you fight frowns?
When my favorite color is brown."
This should be, and I guess you can see this is logic:
"So why sometimes do you fight frowns
when my favorite color is brown?"
See. It is that easy to make an old man very happy ( I say this for milo. I can see him smiling now)
Read through it ALL. SPEAK it out loud. Pause when you think it is natural to so do and then punctuate to stamp your authority on the piece.
This is me liking it.
Best,
tectak

[Bunx]

Tec, thanks for the grammar comment. i will definitely read it out loud and adjust grammar to the best of my abilities

[jdguyb]

Overall a good poem. But the rhyming seems random like you just needed an excuse to rhyme with anything. The rhymes kinda make it random. It's almost like the rhymes don't have meaning and they take away from the messege your trying to convey. The last two stanza's though are great

[Bunx]

jd thanks man! i actually just added the last two stanzas on my first edit with a little advise. the rhyme is free verse, doesn't really follow anything in particular, and does add an element of absurdity which i kind of like currently.

[Bunx]

you all should check out edit 3

[rayheinrich]

you all should check out edit 3

3? Oh, come on, it's way past time for edit 4.
Paste that sucker up and I'll comment on it.

[Bunx]

lmao it is posted lol where specifically?

---

remember the original title?
"Rough Mourning"

[rayheinrich]

lmao it is posted lol where specifically?

---

remember the original title?
"Rough Mourning"

The rough mornings make the smooth ones possible.
We appropriate them from others before us.
There's really only one religion.
Our differences arise from our imperfections.
There's tragedy in this, but there's beauty in the variations.
As Leonard Cohen said in a song:
"It's the cracks that let the light through."

[Bunx]

Ray... Wow.
Just what I needed to read. I feel like getting 
past a big question is a battle. Maybe a week.
A years.. maybe like me over decade. A battle to
set my sails.

I love the person I am today confident about myself.
Honestly thankful to liberate my mind a bit. Though
I feel idealism and self preservation are one breath.
I want to love myself, and breathe saying..... dude

You fucking made it.
Back home to that girl on the couch
Maybe I can hold her.
Spreading that love anywhere I sing.

All I got is love Ray..
Thanks
Rob C

[rayheinrich]

I'm always willing to take credit for anything I can get away with.

Truth is: You're the one doing all the work.



"There isn't any top or bottom, it's up and down the whole way."
-- Marcelle the Trip

[Bunx]

Edited this one, my first poem on here.. Thanks again for the endless patience with me and my writing

[DanGWoodle]

I really liked this. New to the critique and this wouldn't be in any poetry book I'd typically pick up but it felt like a feeling I've felt before. Somewhere between mad and sad and confused and lonely. Mourning