The Sweet Eater

[addy]

It will rot your inside out
All that sugar they say and
he thinks:

Well that’s pretty good voodoo
Licking off peppermint fingers
With tongue painted
The pure blue of poison frogs

He knows, as

Crushed magic stirs his saliva
Like it did medicine men before him,
Like it did wild men before him,
That the secret in it is

There are no secrets, only pleasures

The cheap cola hisses.
Happy he drinks it
Down
Bubbles boiling his blood to clean sap
Oozing so slow he’ll never die,
So sweet they’d glaze his very bones

[billy]

It will rot your inside out
All that sugar they say and
he thinks:

Well that’s pretty good voodoo
Licking off peppermint fingers
With tongue painted
The pure blue of poison frogs

He knows, as

Crushed magic stirs his saliva
Like it did medicine men before him,
Like it did wild men before him,
That the secret in it is

There are no secrets, only pleasures

The cheap cola hisses.
Happy he drinks it
Down
Bubbles boiling his blood to clean sap
Oozing so slow he’ll never die,
So sweet they’d glaze his very bones

Would you instead of your work better on the first line?
Is they say needed on the second line?
Absolutely like the second stanza.
I can taste the originality of the peppermint.
And laugh at the pure blue.

I think it needs a pause of ... after that the secret in it is

Would; there are no secrets, only pleasures, read better as;

there are no secrets
only pleasures

love the last stanza.

Some really good imagery. It has lots of originality
You capture the taste of sweetness.

Not sure about the title. It’s a little bit obvious.
But all in all i really enjoyed it.

sorry about doing a full crit of it in the mild critique section but you are employed here :p. good poem thanks for posting

[addy]

Yeah, the title's pretty terrible

Thanks for the comments. My phrasing and rhythm does need work

[addy]

Changed the poem up with some edits.
What do you think? Is it better or worse?

---------------------------------------------

That stuff’ll rot your insides, boy
and he thinks:

That’s some good voodoo
Licking peppermint fingers
With tongue painted
The pure blue of poison frogs

He knows, as

Crushed magic stirs drool
Like medicine men before him
Like wild men before him
That the secret
Is...

There are no secrets.
Only pleasure.

The cola hisses.
He swallows til
It hits the spot;
Blood oozing clean sap
So slow he’d never die
So sweet they glaze
His very bones

[billy]

Changed the poem up with some edits.
What do you think? Is it better or worse?

---------------------------------------------

That stuff’ll rot your insides, boy
and he thinks:

That’s some good voodoo
Licking peppermint fingers
With tongue painted
The pure blue of poison frogs

He knows, as

Crushed magic stirs drool
Like medicine men before him
Like wild men before him
That the secret
Is...

There are no secrets.
Only pleasure.

The cola hisses.
He swallows til
It hits the spot;
Blood oozing clean sap
So slow he’d never die
So sweet they glaze
His very bones

is the comma needed o the first line, if you keep it,would oh boy work better

would L3 of the 2nd stanza read better as; with painted tongue

the comma in he knows, as

would crushed magic evokes drool work better.

i really love the last stanza. nice write and for me it reads better.

[addy]

Hm, again the punctuations prove to be my downfall

Thanks again for the excellent critique. It's really helping me firm up my writing.