I need a verse...

[Mommee]

Hi! I'm new here. I am working on a poem that will go on the invitation for my daughter's 1st birthday party. I'm not taking this too seriously, and you won't hurt my feelings if you hate what I've come up with so far. It's meant to sound a bit like a child's nursery rhyme...

Riley Kate was two days late,
when she was born in June.

From that day on, our hearts were won
and we were o'er the moon.

<And "1" has come too soon.">>

So let's celebrate with Riley Kate,
On Saturday at noon!

I'm not married to any of this except the first verse, that has to stay. I appreciate any feedback and/or ideas on the middle verse I'm blanking on, and the rest. If there's something you think something else might work well, I'm open. Thanks!! E.

[Zerric]

Well i don't know about babies...

when do they open their eyes?
How long does it take for their hair to grow?
Do they learn to walk during their first year? or crawl? or just turn over?
How long do they sleep? Do they play with toys?
Maybe she reacts to a certain type of music?
How big are her hands and feet? Does she grab onto your finger?
How does she sound when she laughs? cries?
How long do they sleep?
Does she eat? or do you have to do the airplane spoon thing?

You're much more qualified to write about this than any1 else, so just think about it, and it'll come to you...

However you've chosen to go with an internal rhyme in the first sentence, and then have the second sentence of each couplet rhyme...This is a little harder to think up. What I usually do is find one word I like, and think up the rhymes to go with it. And if I can't get a decent line from that, I go on to a different word. I'm not really sure if this is a good practice, but it works for me
see, just off the top of my head:

She opened her eyes, and laughed and cried,
And fell asleep as we crooned,

And time flew past, much too fast,
And 'one' has come too soon..


anywayz...
The poem is good...and this is not gonna matter much...but 'on' doesn't really rhyme with 'won'
what about something like:

With our hearts in song, from that day on,
We were over the moon...

That's not a perfect rhyme either but you can play around with it...

[rowens]

The last time my girlfriend was two days late, a baby was born in June too. Good thing I was just passing through town.

[Mommee]

Well i don't know about babies...

when do they open their eyes?
How long does it take for their hair to grow?
Do they learn to walk during their first year? or crawl? or just turn over?
How long do they sleep? Do they play with toys?
Maybe she reacts to a certain type of music?
How big are her hands and feet? Does she grab onto your finger?
How does she sound when she laughs? cries?
How long do they sleep?
Does she eat? or do you have to do the airplane spoon thing?

You're much more qualified to write about this than any1 else, so just think about it, and it'll come to you...

However you've chosen to go with an internal rhyme in the first sentence, and then have the second sentence of each couplet rhyme...This is a little harder to think up. What I usually do is find one word I like, and think up the rhymes to go with it. And if I can't get a decent line from that, I go on to a different word. I'm not really sure if this is a good practice, but it works for me
see, just off the top of my head:

She opened her eyes, and laughed and cried,
And fell asleep as we crooned,

And time flew past, much too fast,
And 'one' has come too soon..


anywayz...
The poem is good...and this is not gonna matter much...but 'on' doesn't really rhyme with 'won'
what about something like:

With our hearts in song, from that day on,
We were over the moon...

That's not a perfect rhyme either but you can play around with it...

Thank you for your feedback! I especially like your take on my missing verse, so your help is much appreciated! I live in the land of virtually no accent, so on and won are pronounced the same. I'm not too worried about that verse. Thanks again!

---

Well i don't know about babies...

when do they open their eyes?
How long does it take for their hair to grow?
Do they learn to walk during their first year? or crawl? or just turn over?
How long do they sleep? Do they play with toys?
Maybe she reacts to a certain type of music?
How big are her hands and feet? Does she grab onto your finger?
How does she sound when she laughs? cries?
How long do they sleep?
Does she eat? or do you have to do the airplane spoon thing?

You're much more qualified to write about this than any1 else, so just think about it, and it'll come to you...

However you've chosen to go with an internal rhyme in the first sentence, and then have the second sentence of each couplet rhyme...This is a little harder to think up. What I usually do is find one word I like, and think up the rhymes to go with it. And if I can't get a decent line from that, I go on to a different word. I'm not really sure if this is a good practice, but it works for me
see, just off the top of my head:

She opened her eyes, and laughed and cried,
And fell asleep as we crooned,

And time flew past, much too fast,
And 'one' has come too soon..


anywayz...
The poem is good...and this is not gonna matter much...but 'on' doesn't really rhyme with 'won'
what about something like:

With our hearts in song, from that day on,
We were over the moon...

That's not a perfect rhyme either but you can play around with it...

Zerric, your post cracked me up too. I'm just going to answer your questions one by one because I think you have babies and puppies confused.

when do they open their eyes? Babies can open their eyes right away, you're thinking of puppies.
How long does it take for their hair to grow? Depends on the baby, some are born with a head-full of thick hair, others none.
Do they learn to walk during their first year? or crawl? or just turn over? Again, depends on the baby, most babies learn to walk right around one, or soon thereafter. Most babies do crawl in their first year.
How long do they sleep? Do they play with toys? Sleeping depends on the baby (but never as much as mom and dad would like), and yes most babies are big fans of toys.
Maybe she reacts to a certain type of music? She has just started to "dance" when she hears music she likes!!
How big are her hands and feet? Does she grab onto your finger? Hands and feet are baby-sized. Yes, she will hold onto a hand or finger.
How does she sound when she laughs? cries? A baby giggling is the most beautiful sound in the whole world. Crying, not so much.
How long do they sleep? Depends... ours is a good little sleeper, almost 11 hours a night.
Does she eat? or do you have to do the airplane spoon thing? She eats small sized people food now. No more baby food, she refuses it. Little soft chunks of whatever we're eating as long as it's pretty healthy.

In conclusion, babies are not puppies. Hope that helps!