Posts: 10
Threads: 2
Joined: May 2013
Anything you have to say is welcome, I really do want to know more about poetry, since the only thing I learnt in school was how to rhyme in patterns haha
Thank you for your time![/i]
----
Enfold your heart in mine,
for I promise
I will stay.
To protect you, and shield
You, from the winds
of the Storm.
And though you may struggle
and curse; And though you
may slice and tear, and
Balk, at my embrace
I will stay.
To bleed and heal and bleed
Again, till your anger
and fear
Have subsided. I promise
I will love you still.
And even if I
may never know your
Love, I have hope.
Enfold your heart in mine
So that I may know
You are safe
with me.
That I may believe I am not
Alone,
To face the days ahead.
So long you have need for me,
So long you do not leave me
I will stay,
And live.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi tadaki,
after reading the poem a few times, i think the enjambment is very weak. try and end the line where there would normally be a pause. once you get the hang of doing it that way, you can experiment doing it other ways. at present the poem is all you telling us what's happening. try and use some images. i like the title and it's use as refrain, many will not but that's down to taste i think. if you use a refrain, make it a constant one, head each stanza with it. finally. the poem is very wordy;
And though you may struggle
once you sort those things out you can build on the depth of the poem.
and curse; And though you
may slice and tear, and
Balk, at my embrace
out 19 words, only 6 of them say anything solid. cut away any of the small words that do nothing
though you may struggle,
curse, slice, tear,
or Balk at my embrace
only use what words you need, sometimes longer lines work better depending on the type of poem.
Posts: 10
Threads: 2
Joined: May 2013
(05-18-2013, 08:59 PM)billy Wrote: hi tadaki,
after reading the poem a few times, i think the enjambment is very weak. try and end the line where there would normally be a pause. once you get the hang of doing it that way, you can experiment doing it other ways. at present the poem is all you telling us what's happening. try and use some images. i like the title and it's use as refrain, many will not but that's down to taste i think. if you use a refrain, make it a constant one, head each stanza with it. finally. the poem is very wordy;
And though you may struggle
once you sort those things out you can build on the depth of the poem.
and curse; And though you
may slice and tear, and
Balk, at my embrace
out 19 words, only 6 of them say anything solid. cut away any of the small words that do nothing
though you may struggle,
curse, slice, tear,
or Balk at my embrace
only use what words you need, sometimes longer lines work better depending on the type of poem.
Hey Billy, thanks for the feedback! Yes I think you really picked out my problems. I never really understood why people broke the sentence up when they did, so I simply cut it up wherever I liked. Heh.
I see what you mean with the words, and the need to show instead of tell. Thanks alot! I'll have to give it some thought, but really grateful for the direction!
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
doing edits it can be daunting just do one thing at a time; for instance just concentrate on removing every word that it's needed, ort just work on the enjambment. each edit you do will make it easier to do the next one. if you want any help, while i may not be able to other's here will be (i'll help where i can though
)
