can i have feedback on this poem, it's about the vietnam war for school

[sammmadam]

Now is the only moment I’ve had to myself all day
And I use it to write to you


I can’t remember how long I’ve been here
Or how far I’ve walked in these boots since yesterday



But I do remember the smell of my mother’s cooking
And the smell of your favorite perfume you always wore


I remember when you told me you loved me
And I will always remember the way your eyes changed when I said it back








I’m not sure why we’re all here
Or who’s an enemy and who’s just another brother

But what I do know is that it’s 1 am here
And I’m not even sure where here is





But I do love you
And through all of the hate I’ve seen
That has never rang truer


(s.a.)

[rowens]

It doesn't seem too bad. It seems more like a short note than a poem though. With the war in the background.

I can see the way you wanted the poem to look. The lines.
But I was wondering about the big space. Is that how it's supposed to be?

The many uses of the word "here" near the end might be effective because of the way you use it. Depends on how you look at it.

[Brownlie]

Reminds me of the things they carried. In that story O'Brien was able to focus on specific images and give them emotional significance. I believe other poets have written about specific vietnamese victims of tragedy or the type of logic that was used to justify the war.

The detail about the boots is good because it shows you have some knowledge of the attire worn by the Vietnamese. The more detail about what actually occurred the better your grade will probably be.

[rowens]

I thought this disappeared. Now I see it's just posted in a strange place.

[Leanne]

This poem has been moved to Novice. Please familiarise yourself with the forum rules regarding feedback before posting poems/ admin