The Halcyon Days

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I've disappeared for a few weeks because I've been ill and tackling a load of exams, I'll be back to spamming the forums with my terrible critique in the next few days

I'd like a little critique in terms of what direction to go with this, thankyou


The Halcyon Days

Fading flickers of a velvet aureate cage,
thrown carelessly
against immaculate garden fences.

They will set, claiming the blazing heat with them.
Summer's babes dance on the tarmac,
their unsullied dresses hiding grazed knees.

Innocent laughs flow as they race
their joy, only purity in their hearts -
carefree thinking worth it's weight in gold.

[Leanne]

Oh, thank god you're back, we just didn't know what to do with ourselves for all that time! Seriously, it's good to see you.

The second stanza is by far the strongest. The images are powerful and the heat is almost tangible. I worry a little about "claiming the blazing heat with them" -- I kind of think it should either be "taking the blazing heat with them" or just "claiming the blazing heat".

The first stanza is quite pretty but doesn't say a huge amount -- I'd like to see a bit more of a juxtaposition between the fences and whatever happens to be thrown against them.

The last stanza... nice idea, but oh! that cliche makes me cringe!

I tend to think that S2 could be built upon with a couple more stanzas to create a more substantial mood. It's a good start but it's not quite a complete poem yet.

Still, at least you're here

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I couldn't return without bringing a cringe-worthly cliche from the depths of poetry hell, could I?

And thankyou, I'll do a bit of work on it tonight.

[Catcherin]

I really love the first stanza. And the second stanza. To be honest I really like the whole thing, though I would love to see it as part of a poem exploring the next chapter and why these days are so precious. Wonderful use of language, clearly a talent