In Death

[allykat727]

Longings linger in minds of most,
a gust of air that sweeps and sways.
Fire sizzles sweet wine; we toast
to dancing blues and moonlit greys.

An image of oceans to quell the thirst
with ripples of frenzy unwinding time.
Nudges and brushes beg bones to burst
in oneness for hearts spilling endless rhyme.

Eyes open and shut and radiate red,
staining the soil with softened swirls,
dampening grounds with tongues that spread
wet letters of thorns into thickening curls.

Hands tremble and amble, no longer awake,
as souls beneath yawning earth cease to shake.


***In case anyone is interested, this is the original piece
Memories linger in delicate minds
of a gust of air, sweeping and swaying.
Fire burning bright, but now sorrow binds
with blue jazz dancing and moonlit greying.
Thoughts trail down to the oceans of lost thirst
and the frenzy of ripples borrows time.
A moment, a kiss, hearts wanting to burst
in beating oneness and infinite rhyme.
Eyes open, eyes shut and radiate red,
and coats damp ground in dainty little swirls.
Written remains rest beside souls once bled,
stirring desperate love into thickened curls.
Hands tremble on those no longer awake
as hearts below the cold earth cease to shake.


Thanks for reading

[C.M.C.]

Hi allykat, I think the edit is A LOT better than the original, which is saying something. But I'm not quite sure what you mean from "Eyes open and shut and radiate red" and then onward throughout the rest. I may be an idiot and completely be missing the point, but could you explain?

[Zerric]

Hi allykat, I think the edit is A LOT better than the original, which is saying something. But I'm not quite sure what you mean from "Eyes open and shut and radiate red" and then onward throughout the rest. I may be an idiot and completely be missing the point, but could you explain?

Sharingan, dude...

actually even i'm not sure what's happening...but i like it. mostly cuz of the rhyme.

in S2 L2...you use 'the time' which is definite. Dealing with only that part of time...If you remove 'the' article (pun intended), it lends more power to Time, while maintaining sense, and it still flows, I believe. Like your dealing with the whole pseudo supernatural force of time, instead of one person's perception of it.

[billy]

you have most of what you need to create a decent sonnet. it need a bit of work on the meter but the rhyme scheme isn't bad and doesn't sound forced. as a non sonnet i think the meter still needs a bit of work to make it constant; iambic pentameter or hexameter etc all the way through the poem

Longings linger in minds of most,
a gust of air that sweeps and sways.
Fire sizzles sweet wine; we toast
to dancing blues and moonlit greys. better use of moonlit

An image of oceans to quell the thirst
with ripples of frenzy unwinding the time. is 'the' needed?
Nudges and brushes beg bones to burst
in oneness for hearts spilling endless rhyme.

Eyes open and shut and radiate red, did you mean radiant or 'that radiate'
staining the soil with softened swirls,
dampening grounds with tongues that spread
wet letters of thorns into thickening curls.

Hands tremble and amble, no longer awake,
as souls beneath yawning earth cease to shake.


***In case anyone is interested, this is the original piece
Memories linger in delicate minds
of a gust of air, sweeping and swaying.
Fire burning bright, but now sorrow binds
with blue jazz dancing and moonlit greying.
Thoughts trail down to the oceans of lost thirst
and the frenzy of ripples borrows time.
A moment, a kiss, hearts wanting to burst
in beating oneness and infinite rhyme.
Eyes open, eyes shut and radiate red,
and coats damp ground in dainty little swirls.
Written remains rest beside souls once bled,
stirring desperate love into thickened curls.
Hands tremble on those no longer awake
as hearts below the cold earth cease to shake.


Thanks for reading

[allykat727]

Hi allykat, I think the edit is A LOT better than the original, which is saying something. But I'm not quite sure what you mean from "Eyes open and shut and radiate red" and then onward throughout the rest. I may be an idiot and completely be missing the point, but could you explain?

Sharingan, dude...

actually even i'm not sure what's happening...but i like it. mostly cuz of the rhyme.

in S2 L2...you use 'the time' which is definite. Dealing with only that part of time...If you remove 'the' article (pun intended), it lends more power to Time, while maintaining sense, and it still flows, I believe. Like your dealing with the whole pseudo supernatural force of time, instead of one person's perception of it.

Thanks to you both! C.m.c. its supposed to depict a love so passionate that it stirs even in death. Maybe 'even in death' would be a better title. And zerric, I couldn't agree more about 'time' vs 'the time'. Thanks to both for reading and commenting!

[Zerric]

Hey another thing i noticed when reading it again was this line:
"dampening grounds with tongues that spread"

the grounds part is plural...i'm not an English major or anything...so i'm not really sure...but grounds doesn't seem right to me. Maybe something like 'dampens the ground'. I think the article here brings a more defined feel to the word...anyway its jmho..

[Samuel.K123]

Love the imagiray and pure abundance in advanced language

[allykat727]

Hey another thing i noticed when reading it again was this line:
"dampening grounds with tongues that spread"

the grounds part is plural...i'm not an English major or anything...so i'm not really sure...but grounds doesn't seem right to me. Maybe something like 'dampens the ground'. I think the article here brings a more defined feel to the word...anyway its jmho..

Good point. Whether its grammatically correct or not 'dampens the ground' just seems more natural thanks!

---

Love the imagiray and pure abundance in advanced language

Thanks a lot!