Annuity

[Catcherin]

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here! This is a poem I wrote a while ago. Greatly appreciate any feedback

1st revision:

Clutch your worth as they savage your position,
Armoured cards cannot collapse when faced with acquisition,
And yet possession is the luxury of courts and thieves,
Nomads forced to live and breathe and die beneath the eaves,
Here the silver handkerchief wiping tears as if it grieves,
A subtle smile subverts the bile and a monster it conceives,

Blind men persuade imbeciles that the feeble must be crushed,
And responsibility is dangerous rhetoric that now must be hushed,
That aptitude defines you is a lie sold to the mob,
Disease can be cured if you can just endure the swab.

Look the paper plague and the way it does inflate,
To overwhelm your adversaries,
Or crush you with it's weight.

Original:

Hear them now as they savage your position,
Armoured cards cannot collapse when faced with acquisition,
And yet possession is the luxury of courts and thieves,
Nomads forced to live and breathe and die beneath the eaves,
Here the silver handkerchief,
Wiping tears as if it grieves,
A subtle smile subverts the bile and a monster it conceives.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I love the flow that builds up in the poem, from the way I read it. Reading back over it again, I recommend two changes:

1. The first line is quite weak in comparison to the rest of it. I don't think 'hear them now' starts strongly enough for such a forward poem.
2. 'Here the silver handkerchief' and 'wiping tears as if it grieves' should be one line, for visuals. Then again, I like it how it is. Decisions, decisions...

Although I think the rhyme, the flow, everything works, it's as if you've only just scratched the surface of what you could write with it. You have a great idea and a great talent to work with - describe the monster, the silver handkerchief...

[Catcherin]

Thank you UnicornRainbowCake (even your username involves quite challenging imagery!) initially I did have the handkerchief line and tears line as one but thought it would be better for imagery to have it this way haha. How wrong I am. I shall definitely give the first line a rethink! I'm not sure if I could make it longer as it was one of those poems that sort of writes itself in a quick burst. Hard to recapture the vibe if you know what I mean. Thank you for your comment