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He wakes up and stares at the ceiling
He doesn't care anymore
His life is simple and grueling
Go to school, go to work
Deal with friends, deal with life
There is no reason today
No reason to live
No reason to care
Why should he get out of bed?
Because today is the day
Today is the day he will do nothing
Today is the day he doesn't care
Today he will go about his life once again
For no reason
The same routine day after day
Until death decides to save him
Posts: 20
Threads: 4
Joined: May 2013
Meander much?
For such a small, simple poem this really says/reads a whole lot. Not that it gets deep into the man's life with detail, but it's sufficient enough to describe (in detail) his lackluster life.
I think I'm having trouble understanding the 2nd stanza leading into the 3rd.
There is no reason today-- but today is the day that he's not going to live or care, but he will get out of bed anyway, just so that he could not care for no reason? ... Man that's hurt. He has found a life to live, but in truth, I would not want to call that living! It sounds so awful.
It would be interesting to know why he is how he is. Maybe you could create a poem that will lead up to this poem.
All in all the flow of this poem I liked. It reads nicely. Although there isn't much punctuation, the ending punctuates the poem nicely. "Until death decides to save him" Period. I like that.
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Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
(05-12-2013, 12:49 AM)albino-rino-5000 Wrote: He wakes up and stares at the ceiling
He doesn't care anymore
His life is simple and grueling
Go to school, go to work
Deal with friends, deal with life
There is no reason today
No reason to live
No reason to care
Why should he get out of bed?
Because today is the day
Today is the day he will do nothing
Today is the day he doesn't care
Today he will go about his life once again
For no reason
The same routine day after day
Until death decides to save him
Your poem has a nice rhythm and flow to it. My only problem with it is that it does not really lend a lot to hold one's interest. I got excited here:
"Because today is the day"
thinking ahhh! something is going to happen, something new, but turns out it is a repeat of what came before. I think your structure is good (minus the punct) but imo, the material needs some life.
Heart
Posts: 280
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Joined: Mar 2013
(05-12-2013, 12:49 AM)albino-rino-5000 Wrote: He wakes up and stares at the ceiling
He doesn't care anymore
His life is simple and grueling
Go to school, go to work
Deal with friends, deal with life
There is no reason today
No reason to live
No reason to care
Why should he get out of bed?
Because today is the day
Today is the day he will do nothing
Today is the day he doesn't care
Today he will go about his life once again
For no reason
The same routine day after day
Until death decides to save him
I like the rhythm in your poem, and I think that you have chosen a nice theme. It's lacking depth though. It seemed rather flat to me. I think the thing I miss the most in this poem, is some imagery. You have an image in the first line, but I think that's it.
Why is his life 'simple and grueling'? I don't know much about the narrator. Some more in depth, imagery descriptions of who he is and what has lead him to feel so lost, could perhaps help the poem pull in the reader more. And of course, this is jmho. I hope this was of any help.
LB
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Joined: May 2013
I like this, though I can't tell at the end if he is going to stay in bed or go about his day. Thanks.
-H
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Threads: 2
Joined: May 2013
I like the theme of this poem and I enjoyed reading it. Just a few more details would enhance it. Why doesn't he like his life. The last line is powerful
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Threads: 6
Joined: May 2013
If your reason for writing the poem was to show a deep depression with out much happening , you succeeded. If there was more I missed it, sorry. Maybe rewrite seeking to explain the why would make it more interesting.
