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The Skies were dark Grey
I could have turned back
Now easterly gusts, show me this fact
The beans groan, the wood clatters
It whisper about
How my Pride and my Judgement
Could have kept us about
The men, they take notice
in all hurricane and Woe
they look up to me
It is my cargo, my burden
their sunken deep stow
but now easterly we head, echoed by the next moon
it speaks of our sovereignty, my pride and their doom
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(05-11-2013, 11:15 PM)lmh Wrote: The Skies were dark Grey
I could have turned back
Now easterly gusts, show me this fact
The beans groan, the wood clatters
It whisper about
How my Pride and my Judgement
Could have kept us about
The men, they take notice
in all hurricane and Woe
they look up to me
It is my cargo, my burden
their sunken deep stow
but now easterly we head, echoed by the next moon
it speaks of our sovereignty, my pride and their doom
When I hear the term Hubris I think immediately of Greek Drama. Put short hubris is excessive pride, but it is also an unwillingness to accept one's mortal fate. Your poem has much in common with the English or Shakespearean Sonnet form. However, that form demands iambic pentameter. To do iambic pentameter you need five feet per line. A foot is an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one. What seperates stressed from unstressed still seems sort of nebulous to me. Do you have any specific concerns about this poem? Hopefully I was able to help you.
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I actually don't Brownlie, I was on the beach and the sky was ominous and I wrote it, I didn't take into a account format but thank you for your feedback. It is always great to learn and know more, I'm sure I'll try tightening this up with iambic or try it on something else. It's great to hear this reminds you of Greek drama, I love them and their tone. The unwillingness to accept one's fate always struck me as brutal, tragic and beautiful. Their is just something about being peacefully doomed. this is a bit of "Rendezvous with Death" by Alan Seeger http://www.bartleby.com/104/121.html and "The Perfect Storm"(movie) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0177971/
Thanks for everything
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Imh your writing really spoke to me, especially your last two lines, that was really clever. This is definitely one of my of my favourite poems that I've ever read. Keep up the good work, I'm looking forward to reading future poems of yours.
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Hi,
I didn't understand the 'beans groan' part. Is there some reference I'm missing or something?
I can't imagine groaning beans and what it should mean.
Thanks for the read 
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I really like what you've written here, this could be a preference thing but one negative thing I can point out is when you rhyme about with about. Not that its wrong I guess I just prefer verity.
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all these comments are helpful and interesting, also: bean=beam
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(05-11-2013, 11:15 PM)lmh Wrote: The Skies were dark Grey
I could have turned back
Now easterly gusts, show me this fact
The beans groan, the wood clatters
It whisper about
How my Pride and my Judgement
Could have kept us about
The men, they take notice
in all hurricane and Woe
they look up to me
It is my cargo, my burden
their sunken deep stow
but now easterly we head, echoed by the next moon
it speaks of our sovereignty, my pride and their doom
Hi, I really like this poem. I didn't really get the Woe part in hurricane and woe. Also, the wood whispering and clattering at the same time is a little weird.
-H
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why is skies and other internal words capped? it should have been whispers about the repetition of about, specially in such a prominent place as a line end. there's a good poem in there trying to escape, but i'm not sure where the key is for the first lock. good meter world help someone mentioned iambic, i agree. the good thing going for it is the continuity of sea and things to do with it.
(05-11-2013, 11:15 PM)lmh Wrote: The Skies were dark Grey
I could have turned back
Now easterly gusts, show me this fact
The beans groan, the wood clatters
It whisper about
How my Pride and my Judgement
Could have kept us about
The men, they take notice
in all hurricane and Woe
they look up to me
It is my cargo, my burden
their sunken deep stow
but now easterly we head, echoed by the next moon
it speaks of our sovereignty, my pride and their doom
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this reminds me of a sailor lost at sea, going back and forth in the ocean in a beautifully tragic extensional absurdity.
"The men, they take notice
in all hurricane and Woe
they look up to me
It is my cargo, my burden
their sunken deep stow
but now easterly we head, echoed by the next moon
it speaks of our sovereignty, my pride and their doom"
I am a big fan of Star Trek the Next Generation. For some reason I can't Patrick's voice out of my head. Also Pride can be used a figurative speech. Do you mean (prideful decision making) or something more connotative?
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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These comments are all awesome!!!! I meant to mention how hindsight is a cold hand to be dealt in a situation like this
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