Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
1st edit
Clear night sky
I lose myself wandering
between the stars.
From behind clouds
a star grew brighter till
it became the Moon.
Concrete jungle...
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.
original
In the clear night sky
I got lost whilst wandering
between the stars.
A star that appeared
from behind clouds; grew brighter
and became the Moon.
Even the city...
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.
 wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
Hi Ambrosial,
read these several times now and overall like the connection that flows between them.
A couple of thoughts on each below. Whilst I feel / agree with the need (well my need  ) to keep to the 575 syllable count..of traditional Haiku ( I know- these are senyru) ...I can abondoned this for my comments on yours!
(05-11-2013, 10:18 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: In the clear night sky could be shortened to A clear night sky.
I got lost whilst wandering
between the stars. Nice cameo of star gazing .
A star that appeared Do you need "that"
from behind clouds; grew brighter
and became the Moon. This one might beifit a bit of work - not sure what it adds to the overall picture. Also I'm mentally fighting against the moon is a star thing
Even the city... Love this one but would perfer it without the "even" preface.
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.
Almost think that the read would be solid enough without the middle stanza, but will watch with intreast to see where you take this.
thanks for the read
AJ.
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
(05-11-2013, 10:18 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: In the clear night sky
I got lost whilst wandering
between the stars.
A star that appeared
from behind clouds; grew brighter
and became the Moon.
Even the city...
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.
These are beautiful. I really don't care for "whilst", I would drop that
though I see you are staying in the syllable count on the first one.
#2 I might say:
a star appeared
from behind clouds
became the moon.
All in all, very lovely! fine exotics.
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
(05-12-2013, 03:57 AM)cidermaid Wrote: Hi Ambrosial,
read these several times now and overall like the connection that flows between them.
A couple of thoughts on each below. Whilst I feel / agree with the need (well my need ) to keep to the 575 syllable count..of traditional Haiku (I know- these are senyru) ...I can abondoned this for my comments on yours!
(05-11-2013, 10:18 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: In the clear night sky could be shortened to A clear night sky.
I got lost whilst wandering
between the stars. Nice cameo of star gazing .
A star that appeared Do you need "that"
from behind clouds; grew brighter
and became the Moon. This one might beifit a bit of work - not sure what it adds to the overall picture. Also I'm mentally fighting against the moon is a star thing
Even the city... Love this one but would perfer it without the "even" preface.
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.
Almost think that the read would be solid enough without the middle stanza, but will watch with intreast to see where you take this.
thanks for the read
AJ.
Hi AJ,
Thanks for the comments, these were originally written as haiku, but that was before I really understood the concept of haiku, and also like you I prefer to stay in the 575 structure. I thought I was the only one, so it is nice to know that I'm not. There is a modern haiku writer called Richard Wright and he sticks to the 575 rule and in my opinion has written some of the best modern haiku I've read, he is well worth checking out if you haven't read any of stuff.
I actually didn't give mean the piece to be a whole piece more like 3 separate poems, although I did pick them for their celestial connection. But now that you have mentioned it, I think that it would be better as a whole piece, with the right poems in of course.
I will edit these bearing in mind the comments I get, as regards the last one I suppose I was trying to emphasize how beautiful the scene was but I think that I know what you mean about "even".
Thanks again.
AR
(05-12-2013, 04:38 AM)Heartafire Wrote: (05-11-2013, 10:18 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: In the clear night sky
I got lost whilst wandering
between the stars.
A star that appeared
from behind clouds; grew brighter
and became the Moon.
Even the city...
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.
These are beautiful. I really don't care for "whilst", I would drop that
though I see you are staying in the syllable count on the first one.
#2 I might say:
a star appeared
from behind clouds
became the moon.
All in all, very lovely! fine exotics.
Hi heart,
Thanks for the comments, I do agree with you on the "whilst". I need to think more carefully because a few times when I post stuff and people make suggestions I usually agree. But it is in part that they were written with a syllable count in mind, so sometimes some appear unnecessary.
Thanks again for the helpful points.
ps Why do so many people seem to be changing their avatar picture, is it one of those in jokes that I just didn't get, or perhaps I just imagined it, either way it confused me  
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
(05-11-2013, 10:18 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: In the clear night sky
I got lost whilst wandering
between the stars.
A star that appeared
from behind clouds; grew brighter
and became the Moon.
Even the city...
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.
Hi AR,
I really like these three as a whole piece. Some things could be changed a little, but I see that you've already got comments on that, so I'll just stick to what I like.
The first one I absolutely loved. It makes a strong image, that I can picture clearly. I also like it because can relate to it so much, with the stars completely consuming you.
The second one is also a very good picture. I think it connects well to the first one.
And another beautiful picture in the third. Also a sight I have enjoyed many times.
They made my mind completely wander outside to those scenes for a moment. Thanks.
All my best,
LB
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
(05-12-2013, 08:52 AM)Volaticus Wrote: (05-11-2013, 10:18 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: In the clear night sky
I got lost whilst wandering
between the stars.
A star that appeared
from behind clouds; grew brighter
and became the Moon.
Even the city...
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.
Hi AR,
I really like these three as a whole piece. Some things could be changed a little, but I see that you've already got comments on that, so I'll just stick to what I like.
The first one I absolutely loved. It makes a strong image, that I can picture clearly. I also like it because can relate to it so much, with the stars completely consuming you.
The second one is also a very good picture. I think it connects well to the first one.
And another beautiful picture in the third. Also a sight I have enjoyed many times.
They made my mind completely wander outside to those scenes for a moment. Thanks.
All my best,
LB
Hi Volaticus,
Thanks for the kind comments, I'm going to edit these I just need to give it a bit more thought first.
I always seem to get lost in the stars when I see them and then I bought a telescope, but that's a whole other story, for a while I was Galileo
Thanks again for the kind words.
AR
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
I think these are better versions, and the text is certainly smaller, don't know how that happened first time.
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
much better. , have a think about 'the' in the last line.
Quote:Clear night sky
I lose myself wandering
between the stars.
excellent (is 'till' needed) this is an out and out haiku, and a good one
Quote:From behind clouds
a star grew brighter till
it became the Moon.
i like the modern feel of this, glowing could be the seasonal word which would make this a haiku
Quote:Concrete jungle...
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.
some really good edits. much tighter and because of it much sharper images.
Quote:original
In the clear night sky
I got lost whilst wandering
between the stars.
A star that appeared
from behind clouds; grew brighter
and became the Moon.
Even the city...
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
Thanks Billy for your comments,
It gives me more confidence in my ability to edit as well as write.
I was slightly wary of using "concrete jungle" in case it would be seen as a cliche of sorts, but I'm glad I risked it.
Thanks again it is much appreciated.
AR
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
Some great editing going on. Think these are much sharper and crisp both to read and in meaning.
AJ
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Like cidermaid and billy, I also think you have done an excellent job, it really sharpens the images. Love the 'concrete jungle'. When used in this poem, I think it combines the nature and the man-made, in a way that fits the poem very well. Hope that made sense, my English is really letting me down today 
Best,
LB
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
(05-12-2013, 09:02 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Some great editing going on. Think these are much sharper and crisp both to read and in meaning.
AJ
(05-13-2013, 02:34 AM)Volaticus Wrote: Like cidermaid and billy, I also think you have done an excellent job, it really sharpens the images. Love the 'concrete jungle'. When used in this poem, I think it combines the nature and the man-made, in a way that fits the poem very well. Hope that made sense, my English is really letting me down today
Best,
LB
Hi AJ and Volaticus,
Thanks for the kind comments on these new versions but most of all thanks for the input that helped to lead to these better versions.
Much appreciated.
AR
wae aye man ye radgie
|
