WHAT IF..

[recycledsoul]

what if we could live forever
what if we could never cry
what if there were no boundaries
what if we could fly
what if we all had a common dream
and we never had a past
what if happiness could go on forever
and the pain could never last
what if we all had someone
to hold hands and smile
what if we all had an aim
that made our lives worthwhile
what if there was no sleep no rest
and everyday was a new story
what if none of us was a failure
and we all had our momemts of glory
what it no one was poor
what if no one was sad
what if we could keep forever
everything we ever had
what if there was no envy
and there was no place for greed
a world brimming with happy lives
a beautiful world indeed.

[rowens]

"and the pain could never last" That line makes the poem interesting.

What kind of pain?

The life you describe sounds awful to me.

[justcloudy]

this poem doesn't seem to have much to say. we've all imagined a world to that effect.

to make it more interesting maybe you could chop away the bulk, keep the interesting bits (rowens mentioned one, "what if there was no sleep no rest" is another interesting, albeit unpleasant thought) and then surprise us with an ending that has some new idea or vision or thought that we haven't considered before. good poetry is about saying/seeing things in a new way, and it takes practice. keep working at it and good luck!

-cloudy

[Volaticus]

I can see where you're going with this poem, but it seems very.. flat. You have some good lines, I think you could maybe build the poem around. And try to say things in a different way, as cloudy mentioned, it's very good advise.
Maybe this is just my personal opinion (probably is), but there were too many 'what if's. That didn't work for me.
I hope you'll keep writing
-LB

[Labyrinth]

I like everything you said in the poem, we all wished these things.
I would, rather than ask the questions and make the wishes, actually create such a world in the poem.
Using all of these points to create an actual world of your own.

[Magpie]

I was so much hoping that you were setting the scene for a "simpsons moment" where just when you think you are going to have the cheesy Hollywood ending then something mental happens.
I honestly think that if you had a real crazy juxtaposition at the end of this poem that it would be good. I know that obviously is not your intention but it needs something like that. I don't mean to disrespect your poem but it needs a shot in the arm or somethin to give that element of surprise.
Cheers AR