The worst part of being Alone

[samneri]

Here goes a new one. What do you guys think of this one? I'm not sure if it still neds an ending or if I should just leave it like that. Also, I'm not completely sure about the title too. Any feedback will be welcome!

I have known her since a long time.
I have been coexisting with her, sharing moments with her,
Sharing a life with her…
Problem is I haven’t befriended her yet.

Yes, I have laid on my bed next to her;
I even have a pillow only for her head,
My blanket is meant to be shared with her, at least for now,
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

She’s heard my lost “I love you”s,
She’s been dancing and singing with me the blues.
Sometimes she’s given me the tools
To keep dancing during difficult tunes.

She’s been at the tip of my fingers;
Pressing gently, with her strength, the strings of my guitar.
She’s been pressed between my thumb and my index
Transmuted into words: words of love; of what we are.

_______________________________

First edition:

I have known her for a long time.
I have coexisted and shared moments with her,
Shared a life with her…
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

Yes, I have laid on my bed next to her;
I even have a pillow only for her head,
My blanket is meant to be shared with her,
At least for now.
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

She’s heard my lost “I love you”s,
She’s been dancing and singing the blues with me.
Sometimes she’s given me the tools
To keep dancing during difficult tunes.

She’s been at the tip of my fingers;
Pressing gently, with her strength, the strings of my guitar.
She’s been pressed between my thumb and my index
Transmuted into words: words of love; of what we are.

Thank you Volaticus for your feedback!
_____________________________________

Second edition. Thank you FayandFire for your comments and your suggestions

I have known her for a long time.
I have coexisted and shared moments with her,
Shared a life with her…
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

Yes, I have laid on my bed next to her;
I even have a pillow just for her head,
My blanket is meant to be shared with her...
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

She’s heard my lost “I love you”s,
She’s been dancing and singing the blues with me.
Sometimes she’s given me the tools
To keep dancing during difficult tunes.

She’s been at the tip of my fingers;
Pressing gently, with her strength, the strings of my guitar.
She’s been pressed between my thumb and my index
Transmuted into words: words of love; of what we are.

How about it now?

[Volaticus]

Hi,

Just a few things I noticed on my read-through..
The first line sounds awkward. How about "I have known her for a long time."?
The second line in the third stanza is also off. Perhaps "She's been dancing and singing the blues with me"?
Also, I think you could trim some of the excess words away.

I have known her for a long time.
I have coexisted and shared moments with her,
Shared a life with her…
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

Just an example, it's your poem

Thanks for the read.

[samneri]

Hi,

Just a few things I noticed on my read-through..
The first line sounds awkward. How about "I have known her for a long time."?
The second line in the third stanza is also off. Perhaps "She's been dancing and singing the blues with me"?
Also, I think you could trim some of the excess words away.

I have known her for a long time.
I have coexisted and shared moments with her,
Shared a life with her…
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

Just an example, it's your poem

Thanks for the read.

Thank YOU for your feedback Volaticus! Your version sounds way better hahaha I'll listen to you and make those changes, thanks a lot!

[Volaticus]

Thank YOU for your feedback Volaticus! Your version sounds way better hahaha I'll listen to you and make those changes, thanks a lot!

My pleasure I would suggest that you also trimmed some of the words in the rest of the stanzas. If you have any questions, I'll be glad to help with what I can.

[FayandFire]

Here goes a new one. What do you guys think of this one? I'm not sure if it still neds an ending or if I should just leave it like that. Also, I'm not completely sure about the title too. Any feedback will be welcome!

I have known her since a long time.
I have been coexisting with her, sharing moments with her,
Sharing a life with her…
Problem is I haven’t befriended her yet.

Yes, I have laid on my bed next to her;
I even have a pillow only for her head,
My blanket is meant to be shared with her, at least for now,
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

She’s heard my lost “I love you”s,
She’s been dancing and singing with me the blues.
Sometimes she’s given me the tools
To keep dancing during difficult tunes.

She’s been at the tip of my fingers;
Pressing gently, with her strength, the strings of my guitar.
She’s been pressed between my thumb and my index
Transmuted into words: words of love; of what we are.

_______________________________

First edition:

I have known her for a long time.
I have coexisted and shared moments with her,
Shared a life with her…
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

Yes, I have laid on my bed next to her;
I even have a pillow only for her head, ( I would change only to just i just feel like it throws it off ( just my opinion) )
My blanket is meant to be shared with her,
At least for now. ( relating to what volaticus said about cutting things down if this line isn't crucial I would cut it)
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

She’s heard my lost “I love you”s,
She’s been dancing and singing the blues with me.
Sometimes she’s given me the tools
To keep dancing during difficult tunes.

She’s been at the tip of my fingers;
Pressing gently, with her strength, the strings of my guitar.
She’s been pressed between my thumb and my index
Transmuted into words: words of love; of what we are.

Thank you Volaticus for your feedback!

This last stanza is my favorite I think it's a good end point. Hope I was a little helpful, I know most of it was just opinion but things to think about. Thanks, happy writing.

[samneri]

Thank you FayandFire. I've already modified it. What do you think of it now?

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I have known her for a long time. Unfortunately this is one of those lines where however you put it will always sound a little awkward. You describe this later in your poem, and your poem still stands without it, so cutting it would be an option
I have coexisted and shared moments with her,
Shared a life with her…
But I haven’t befriended her yet.

Yes, I have laid on my bed next to her;
I even have a pillow only for her head,
My blanket is meant to be shared with her, These three lines are so similar, it almost becomes dreary to read through. Try mixing them up a bit
At least for now.
But I haven’t befriended her yet. This is quite interesting

She’s heard my lost “I love you”s,
She’s been dancing and singing the blues with me.
Sometimes she’s given me the tools
To keep dancing during difficult tunes.

She’s been at the tip of my fingers;
Pressing gently, with her strength, the strings of my guitar.
She’s been pressed between my thumb and my index
Transmuted into words: words of love; of what we are. The last stanza is definitely my favourite

I haven't gone in to much detail in novice, but your edits are certainly improvements - well done

[samneri]

Thank you UnicornRainbowCake! Can you explain me a bit more what you wrote about "mixing them up a bit"? Right now I don't have that much time to edit it again, I have to go to school... actually I should have left already... As son as I can I will edit it again Thank you!