The Planets Suite

[Keith]

Black shorts and plimsolls,
shoots roots through a dusty
herring bone floor, and his tree
begins to grow, seeking out the sun.
Peaceful Venus plays a light breeze to
ruffle his leaves as he grows again,
a glorious oak swaying in the wind
his trunk puffed out by cheeks.

His breast pushes out and hands flap,
fingers flutter, tiny wings hop scotch
high up inside the large old oak,
the bird reaches the top and through
pursed lips, it chatters its message
to Mercury, and the forest below.

The needle lands on Mars,
two halves of an eggshell split,
the creature emerges slowly,
double bass dinosaur grows, its head
thrashes and jaws gnash, it prowls,
over lush green fields and waterholes,
he feels the tremors in the ground.

The old man is bent double,
shaking, his walking stick taps,
taking slow steps, out of breathe
he crumples like a dying petal,
and follows the light of his passing
caressed by the rings of Saturn.

The sorcerer’s apprentice commands
his wand and the elements dance,
spinning and weaving, large looping circles,
trailing comets across Uranus,
washing the night sky with colour,
each stroke grander than the one before.

Speakers crackle as the diamond returns to its post,
his breathless journey across the planets complete,
for the first time his mind is alive,
conscious of its own creativity,
and the wonders of imagination.

[Keith]

A small boy in black shorts and plimsolls,
shoots roots through a dusty, no need for this comma here
herring bone floor and his tree maybe after floor?
begins to grow, seeking out the sun.
Peaceful Venus plays a light breeze to peaceful venus? I don't get it. Might just be me.
ruffle his leaves as he grows again,
a glorious oak swaying in the wind
his trunk as large as can be. nice image, kind of sounds like my grand ma though: "as large as can be" ,is it really as large as can be? Can it not possibly be bigger? Lol, are we tooting a horn here? I'm starting to see why you want "Venus", but I still don't see how it works, unless we're not on earth, (first read) maybe were not, (second read) but what's with the breeze? Venus plays a breeze through space? Hmm(third read).

His breast pushes out and hands flap,
fingers flutter, tiny wings hop from branch
to branch inside the large old oak,
the bird reaches the top and through
pursed lips, it chatters its message
to Mercury, and the forest below.

The needle lands on Mars,
two halfs of an eggshell split,
the creature imerges, slowly
the dinosaur grows, its head
thrashes and jaws gnash, it prowls,
over lush green fields and waterholes,
he feels the tremors in the ground.

The old man is bent double,
shaking, his walking stick taps,
taking slow steps, out of breathe
he crumples like a dying petal,
and follows the light of his passing
caressed by the rings of Saturn.

The sorcerer’s apprentice commands
his wand and the elements dance,
spinning and weaving, large looping circles,
trailing comets across Uranus,
washing the night sky with colour,
each stroke grander than the one before.

speakers crackle as the diamond returns to its post Cap. and Punc. needed.
his breathless journey across the planets complete,
for the first time his mind is alive,
conscious of its own creativity
and the wonders of imagination. this whole stanza needs to be re punctuated.

Sorry, I like some surrealist poems, but my imagination seams to be broken down today. You have some great lines in here, but I'm failing to see how it's all connected. Not meant to be taken harshly, it could just be me. Probably is.

Hi Trueenigma thanks for the comments and the crit on Punc. I seem to have done it again, that is, I know whats going on but it doesn't come across. Imagine a dance class were the teacher is playing a record, Holst, the planets suite, and this boy has been told to improvise for the first time in his short life. To get this one fully it could be read listening to the different pieces set to the planets. e.g. Venus the bringer of peace, Mercury the messenger and so on. Anyway I've said too much, thanks for taking the time. TOMH