The Soldier

[emmalou2210]

The Soldier

You want the truth about soldiers now,
well here it is, what, where, when and how.
Standing on the front line in uniform,
weather making no difference sunshine or storm.
With gun upon their back and hat upon their head,
any second at all they could end up dead.
They are fighting for your kids, they are fighting for your wife,
they are fighting for our country, they fighting for their life.
Many of them are only sixteen,
and fight for our country and queen.
Each one standing strong and brave,
not knowing if they will be ending up in a grave.
Their best friends legs, been blown off across the floor,
and the'll be the one to knock on their family's door.
They have to face it and their only choice is live or die,
no time to question your decision of what you did, or why.
When remembrance day comes around,
you see poppies laid upon the ground,
and for just one minute, you don't make a single sound,
as we remember all those soldiers underground.

---

I not brilliant at punctuation or at spelling but i am really trying as i would love to pursue poem writing and am wanting feedback so I can get better at what i write please leave honest feedback thank you

[Keith]

Hi emmalou
You have the bones of good poem here and the topic is one worth keeping, but it has been covered many times so you must try and make things fresh, try to give some imagery as this brightens up any poem, Not much more to add to Fogglethorpe advice as all is good stuff, one point to note is that some of your lines repeat the same theme so these can be modified or cut eg lines 8 and 10 say the same thing. Hope this helps, you have a good start, I will keep an eye out for the edit. TOMH

[billy]

hi emmalou,
have a look in this thread about meter

meter can help you with the flow of a poem. yours is a bit choppy at present. i'd suggest iambic pentameter or hexameter. it also reads as prose, a meter can help in that respect also. others have mention syntax and punctuation of which i'm of no use as mine isn't that good either, i'm sure someone will help out there though.

The Soldier

You want the truth about soldiers now,
well here it is, what, where, when and how.
Standing on the front line in uniform,
weather making no difference sunshine or storm.
With gun upon their back and hat upon their head,
any second at all they could end up dead.
They are fighting for your kids, they are fighting for your wife,
they are fighting for our country, they fighting for their life.
Many of them are only sixteen,
and fight for our country and queen.
Each one standing strong and brave,
not knowing if they will be ending up in a grave.
Their best friends legs, been blown off across the floor,
and the'll be the one to knock on their family's door.
They have to face it and their only choice is live or die,
no time to question your decision of what you did, or why.
When remembrance day comes around,
you see poppies laid upon the ground,
and for just one minute, you don't make a single sound,
as we remember all those soldiers underground.

---

I not brilliant at punctuation or at spelling but i am really trying as i would love to pursue poem writing and am wanting feedback so I can get better at what i write please leave honest feedback thank you

[Sam33lynn]

I like the subject of the poem, but maybe a few more details would enhance the piece? Make it more real for the audience.

[justcloudy]

hi emmalou,
I think this poem would benefit from a more narrow subject... "well here it is, what, where, when and how. " --> that's a lot to take on, and how broad the subject is takes away from it's power, imo. maybe you could choose something specific, like the image of a best friend's legs being blown across the floor, and build from that. it'd make it more memorable.
-cloudy