The desk at war

[Keith]

Edit 1

Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line strapped to the rail,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
guns held high, knives at their side,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Original
Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line ready to jump,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
running down ramps, guns held high,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

[billy]

in some places it feels a little tell but in general it's a fun poem and should be read as such. i thought the 2nd stanza worked really well. the last stanza closed the poem well. the ideas were constant, in line, linear, onward marching, maybe swap an odd tell for an image but overall it stands up pretty well as is.

Soldiers inside the staple gun, why not para's or paratroopers, seeing as u use the word jump on the next stanza.
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line ready to jump,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds. good image good metaphor.

Uniformed beach landings, okay soldiers in the first works now because your using different arms of the military
running down ramps, guns held high,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart. solid end

[emmalou2210]

I thought this poem was really well written and the writer sent many messages out to readers to touch them in different ways :-)

[lmh]

the simple message that becomes wrapped in romantic imagery makes this a special insight to an overlooked group of men

[Keith]

in some places it feels a little tell but in general it's a fun poem and should be read as such. i thought the 2nd stanza worked really well. the last stanza closed the poem well. the ideas were constant, in line, linear, onward marching, maybe swap an odd tell for an image but overall it stands up pretty well as is.

Soldiers inside the staple gun, why not para's or paratroopers, seeing as u use the word jump on the next stanza.
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line ready to jump,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds. good image good metaphor.

Uniformed beach landings, okay soldiers in the first works now because your using different arms of the military
running down ramps, guns held high,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart. solid end

Thanks Billy had missed the double use of Jump so its gone in the edit thank you for your considered comments. Best TOMH

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I thought this poem was really well written and the writer sent many messages out to readers to touch them in different ways :-)

Thank you emmalou your comments are greatly appreciated. TOMH

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the simple message that becomes wrapped in romantic imagery makes this a special insight to an overlooked group of men

Thanks lmh I think awareness and profile of the armed forces has been raised over the past few years but I agree not nearly enough. Thank for your comments.TOMH

[poeticdancer]

Edit 1

Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line strapped to the rail,
fold their arms as they leave the plane, I think the word "leave" is too simple for what they are doing, maybe depart or abandon
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
guns held high, knives at their side,
plunging into breaking seas. I love this image, very powerful

Onward they march, relentless, "relentless" is good word for it in my experience!
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart. linear...interesting. to be interpreted as never changing or growing?

The first stanza really got to me. gives a good sense of an enlisted person's inability to control their own life in that aspect, and that they feel much like pawns in this moment. I've never seen this analogy before- military soldiers much like a stapler/staple gun, but definitely gets the point across!

[Keith]

Edit 1

Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line strapped to the rail,
fold their arms as they leave the plane, I think the word "leave" is too simple for what they are doing, maybe depart or abandon
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
guns held high, knives at their side,
plunging into breaking seas. I love this image, very powerful

Onward they march, relentless, "relentless" is good word for it in my experience!
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart. linear...interesting. to be interpreted as never changing or growing?

The first stanza really got to me. gives a good sense of an enlisted person's inability to control their own life in that aspect, and that they feel much like pawns in this moment. I've never seen this analogy before- military soldiers much like a stapler/staple gun, but definitely gets the point across!

Thanks for taking the time to post your reply glad you got this one and picked out the points I was trying to make, I will have a look at your suggested changes for the next edit thanks TOMH

[HelenaHandbasket]

this is a really cool poem, I love the use of the staple gun metaphor. it works so well!

[lennox222]

Edit 1

Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line strapped to the rail,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
guns held high, knives at their side,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Original
Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line ready to jump,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
running down ramps, guns held high,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Heavy on metaphor, but I cannot connect with the staples.

[Keith]

Edit 1

Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line strapped to the rail,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
guns held high, knives at their side,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Original
Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line ready to jump,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
running down ramps, guns held high,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

I like the metaphor in the opening stanza, and how it works with S2 "folded arms". But I found myself struggling to relate the other nouns and items to office supplies, and getting frustrating, feeling that the metaphor was failing apart: what are the clouds? How do staples have knives and guns, what is this supposed to compare to. Is it a sea of paperwork?

Then I realized that it was the title that was bothering me; the metaphor ended with the folded armed paratrooper on the dive, being launched as staples from a staple gun held up in the air. This is not a poem about the desk a war. I had the metaphor backwards. I think you should change the title.

---

Edit 1

Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line strapped to the rail,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
guns held high, knives at their side,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Original
Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line ready to jump,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
running down ramps, guns held high,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

I like the metaphor in the opening stanza, and how it works with S2 "folded arms". But I found myself struggling to relate the other nouns and items to office supplies, and getting frustrating, feeling that the metaphor was failing apart: what are the clouds? How do staples have knives and guns, what is this supposed to compare to? Is it a sea of paperwork?

Then I realized that it was the title that was bothering me; the metaphor ended with the folded armed paratrooper on the dive, being launched as staples from a staple gun held up in the air. This is not a poem about the desk a war. I had the metaphor backwards. I think you should change the title.

Thanks for the feedback I'll have a think about that. Much appreciated TOMH

---

Edit 1

Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line strapped to the rail,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
guns held high, knives at their side,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Original
Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line ready to jump,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
running down ramps, guns held high,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Heavy on metaphor, but I cannot connect with the staples.

That's good to know thanks for letting me know, I guess I just saw something there that linked staples with soldiers, disciplined, march in lines, always one ready to take the place of one that's gone, strong made of steel, jumping from planes one after the other, stuck together as one unit, etc. Thanks TOMH