02-02-2016, 05:22 AM
Hello,
I'll just point out a few things I was unclear about/ didn't necessarily like:
1. What is the significance of the levers being pulled in silence? That doesn't make sense to me. What are you really trying to say (it seems like a metaphor for something but for what I'm not entirely sure).
2. I really liked: "They shake in self-awareness at the power of their hands". It may be even more shocking if you were to replace "in" with "with" or "from"
3. Where does the glass come from? Is this a literal interpretation or yet another metaphor? In either case, it seems you should talk more about this; if you're ending with something as intense as glass shattering, I want to know what that glass is, where it came from, etc. If it's literal, it could be the glass through which you're observing them? If figurative, make some prior mention about maybe the fragility of their perceptions or prior existence, and this enlightenment has proverbially shattered their prior consciousness (assuming that's what you're trying to get at here).
Note: I may be reading into your poem too much. I like the theme, but it needs more work getting everything to flow together. You have some nice portions but there seems to be some disconnect. Overall, nice work.
-BW
I'll just point out a few things I was unclear about/ didn't necessarily like:
1. What is the significance of the levers being pulled in silence? That doesn't make sense to me. What are you really trying to say (it seems like a metaphor for something but for what I'm not entirely sure).
2. I really liked: "They shake in self-awareness at the power of their hands". It may be even more shocking if you were to replace "in" with "with" or "from"
3. Where does the glass come from? Is this a literal interpretation or yet another metaphor? In either case, it seems you should talk more about this; if you're ending with something as intense as glass shattering, I want to know what that glass is, where it came from, etc. If it's literal, it could be the glass through which you're observing them? If figurative, make some prior mention about maybe the fragility of their perceptions or prior existence, and this enlightenment has proverbially shattered their prior consciousness (assuming that's what you're trying to get at here).
Note: I may be reading into your poem too much. I like the theme, but it needs more work getting everything to flow together. You have some nice portions but there seems to be some disconnect. Overall, nice work.
-BW