01-12-2016, 09:56 AM
UselessBlueprint,
" The statements are not as solid as I would like"
This statement sort of puts the nail in the coffin, this is more a (creative)philosophical treatise than a poem. In the greater scheme of things that doesn't really matter, what does matter is the the virtual absence of poetic tropes. I suppose one could argue that the piece in its entirely approach metaphor, but I don't see it. It is self-indulgent irony at best. Except for love poetry, the only other kind of writing that appears most often (especially in the contemporary world, although I suspect, humans, being what they are, it has always been the case), is the depressive self-introspection. When I used to write this sort of thing, I was criticized for being to much in my head. I suspect they were being kind. It would be easy to criticize this sort of writing, but really it just chronicles our passage through a certain portion of life.
There are some likable aspects here. The idea of nobility seems a worthwhile on. The idea of the unconscious or even addictive actions that seem to doom us. The idea that enlightenment to this only causes bewilderment and confusion.
"They shake in self-awareness at the product of their hands.
In reflection, they see their fur
Placed over skin that is not their own"
There is ungainliness, such as:
"I give them levers to pull on, to see if what they decide." (Words should always be considered at a premium in poetry, use them judicially and correctly).
There is an over long number of lines telling what "they" are not in the beginning. My response to such information is , so what? Telling me what they "are not" tells me nothing.
"They do not beat their children for stealing and eating the yellow and green taffy hidden in the cookie jar over the refrigerator...."
Some of these lines are just odd "They do not count walls (how many walls can one count) and stars and debts."
________________________________________________________________________________________
My question is what is the writer trying to accomplish, or is this just some sort of stream of consciousness experiment?
Do not be discourage (I'm sure you will discard what you don't like out of hand anyway, that's the human thing to do). As I note below it usually takes time for the first Masterpiece
Best,
Dale
" The statements are not as solid as I would like"
This statement sort of puts the nail in the coffin, this is more a (creative)philosophical treatise than a poem. In the greater scheme of things that doesn't really matter, what does matter is the the virtual absence of poetic tropes. I suppose one could argue that the piece in its entirely approach metaphor, but I don't see it. It is self-indulgent irony at best. Except for love poetry, the only other kind of writing that appears most often (especially in the contemporary world, although I suspect, humans, being what they are, it has always been the case), is the depressive self-introspection. When I used to write this sort of thing, I was criticized for being to much in my head. I suspect they were being kind. It would be easy to criticize this sort of writing, but really it just chronicles our passage through a certain portion of life.
There are some likable aspects here. The idea of nobility seems a worthwhile on. The idea of the unconscious or even addictive actions that seem to doom us. The idea that enlightenment to this only causes bewilderment and confusion.
"They shake in self-awareness at the product of their hands.
In reflection, they see their fur
Placed over skin that is not their own"
There is ungainliness, such as:
"I give them levers to pull on, to see if what they decide." (Words should always be considered at a premium in poetry, use them judicially and correctly).
There is an over long number of lines telling what "they" are not in the beginning. My response to such information is , so what? Telling me what they "are not" tells me nothing.
"They do not beat their children for stealing and eating the yellow and green taffy hidden in the cookie jar over the refrigerator...."
Some of these lines are just odd "They do not count walls (how many walls can one count) and stars and debts."
________________________________________________________________________________________
My question is what is the writer trying to accomplish, or is this just some sort of stream of consciousness experiment?
Do not be discourage (I'm sure you will discard what you don't like out of hand anyway, that's the human thing to do). As I note below it usually takes time for the first Masterpiece
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.