02-01-2023, 01:58 AM
Well Tim,
The edit leaves out elements that were essential for this reader, like the ones below:
I can feel it in the rain This line strongly implies that a difficult time is approaching. The physical reaction spoke to me as 'I can feel it in my bones'.
The phone call was simple,
“John is gone” said my daughter.
“Gone where?” my startled response. This interplay was absolutely crucial, for me at least.
Catechism
Is three years long enough?
Time enough to abstract the grief
from the April of your going An awkward phrase- why not just 'the April you left' ?? enough/grief/left are good slant rhymes, too.
What is the sum of the abstraction? This abstract question about abstraction loses it for me. What is this supposed to mean to the reader?
There was a time before you lived
and now a time after.
How will this third April be borne? Hmm ??? The simpler 'April is coming' would read easier, I think.
I will carry the answer
like a foundling from the moon. Why you insist on keeping the moon in this one is beyond me. 'foundling' could be used to better effect, but just seems out of place in this poem. This ending is far weaker than the previous version.
Sometimes revising leads us in the wrong direction, and this revision loses the poignancy that I felt in the original.
I'd like to have a better reaction, because I usually like your style. In this revision you seem to be putting more distance between yourself and your subject, and I was hoping that you'd revise to get closer.
Anywho, that's my take,
Mark
The edit leaves out elements that were essential for this reader, like the ones below:
I can feel it in the rain This line strongly implies that a difficult time is approaching. The physical reaction spoke to me as 'I can feel it in my bones'.
The phone call was simple,
“John is gone” said my daughter.
“Gone where?” my startled response. This interplay was absolutely crucial, for me at least.
Catechism
Is three years long enough?
Time enough to abstract the grief
from the April of your going An awkward phrase- why not just 'the April you left' ?? enough/grief/left are good slant rhymes, too.
What is the sum of the abstraction? This abstract question about abstraction loses it for me. What is this supposed to mean to the reader?
There was a time before you lived
and now a time after.
How will this third April be borne? Hmm ??? The simpler 'April is coming' would read easier, I think.
I will carry the answer
like a foundling from the moon. Why you insist on keeping the moon in this one is beyond me. 'foundling' could be used to better effect, but just seems out of place in this poem. This ending is far weaker than the previous version.
Sometimes revising leads us in the wrong direction, and this revision loses the poignancy that I felt in the original.
I'd like to have a better reaction, because I usually like your style. In this revision you seem to be putting more distance between yourself and your subject, and I was hoping that you'd revise to get closer.
Anywho, that's my take,
Mark