07-24-2012, 01:24 AM
I want deeper crit so I can shape this poem up into something good.
Still not sure if I like the title.
-------
remember her
sad jaded guise
faded laughter
fragile child tears
a shade of someone
she could be
anyone
forever
shrouded by smoke
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass
nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered
being alone cuts deeper
tried to hide from herself
and to everyone else
invisible
she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite
underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate
isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits
she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed
they found her
huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered
she finally found company
in little black flies
who swarm lovingly
around her swollen smile
hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen
Still not sure if I like the title.
-------
remember her
sad jaded guise
faded laughter
fragile child tears
a shade of someone
she could be
anyone
forever
shrouded by smoke
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass
nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered
being alone cuts deeper
tried to hide from herself
and to everyone else
invisible
she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite
underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate
isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits
she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed
they found her
huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered
she finally found company
in little black flies
who swarm lovingly
around her swollen smile
hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen