07-20-2012, 01:27 AM
@Paddygirl
Good advice, will take into consideration when I edit!
Thanks a lot.
@Todd
Thank-you, your advice is really sound and I will definitely take it on board when I edit. Just a little note, the reason it is "the liquid" rather then just "liquid" is because I feel that on it's own "liquid" is just too generic, whereas "the liquid" gives it a sense of being... Well, the liquid : P Makes it seem specific, which it is. Liquid on lace could just mean wet frilly bits, whereas this is meant to be imagery of semen on a girls undergarments. I don't know, I just felt like making it "the liquid" gave it more force. Oh, and "her last" is the girl in question... The beast is definitely male.
@penguin
That would be why I posted it here, of course.
I really don't like the word dogged, but I get where you are coming from and will make some alterations on that line.
Each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile... Like dirt is stripped with bleach. His "filthy lusts defile" is being turned into an agent of removal. The flower is stripped of colour by his defiling, not stripped and then he defiles them. Maybe by would work better then with?
And on the "violated garden lies in cooling ashes for her smile" ... What do you mean by consider it? The garden is meant to represent her sexuality, extended by the consistant use of nature in the poem, and the idea of the cooling ashes is meant to call upon the traditional "flame" symbol for passion/sexual desire, now cooling ashes (not even a small flame or glowing embers, but nearly gone completely)
"weaving words of golden grass" - This is a complicated one, because I will admit it being grass fits the rhyme, ideally it would be hay or straw. However I think grass is very close to straw (: P maybe vaguely...) so I think a bit of licensing is allowed here. The golden straw image is meant to mimic that of the rapunzel fairy tale (I tried to have an almost dark fairy tale like theme in the poem) where the girl is forced by the king to make and spin straw/hay into golden thread. I know spinning is different to weaving but I'm playing on it a bit here. It was just meant to be a dark fairy tale image representing the abuse of women by men. Particularly her being locked in her own personal mental hell and the futility of her task - which is simply to try and live her life. I think this is a difficult metaphor to grasp though, especially as I have deviated for my own purposes.
Spinning golden hay doesn't have the same ring to it, in my opinion.
"groves of vanity" - Again with the fairy tale image, I tried to create a picture of old ruins and a forest while tying it in with her. The choice of "vanity" was both because I had used "reflections" and because of another meaning of "vanity" meaning "worthless" - essentially that line is saying that her consistant focusing on her past live is vain. It is pointless. Nothing is ever gained from it.
I think my symbolism is a bit poorly done. I do apologize.
@don miguel
I appreciate that you don't like it, but I want serious criticism, not mild. I only put things in mild when it's something I'm unsure about, but I'm not unsure with this poem. I know it isn't fantastic, but I think it's alright. I appreciate your honesty, but I am a big fan of old poetry, and it does bleed into my own poems sometimes. Not always though c: Some of my poems posted here like "Bleach" and "Rockstar" are completely modern. This is meant to be archaic though. I tried very hard for it to be haha.
Also, technically melancholy is only archaic when refering to black bile. I mean, I still use the word melancholy when describing someone who is very depressed. I wouldn't say I use it often, but at least once a year it'll pop out of my mouth. It's just another word for sadness, but I think it conveys a deeper level of thought.
@tectak
Okay, I can concede I've abused language in places with this poem, I will tidy it up.
I was trying too hard to make it rhyme without changing the end words.
I could use some help with where I have gone wrong. I can sort of see it in places but I'm not great at picking through my own work - it's why I post in places like this rather then just edit on my own.
Good advice, will take into consideration when I edit!
Thanks a lot.
@Todd
Thank-you, your advice is really sound and I will definitely take it on board when I edit. Just a little note, the reason it is "the liquid" rather then just "liquid" is because I feel that on it's own "liquid" is just too generic, whereas "the liquid" gives it a sense of being... Well, the liquid : P Makes it seem specific, which it is. Liquid on lace could just mean wet frilly bits, whereas this is meant to be imagery of semen on a girls undergarments. I don't know, I just felt like making it "the liquid" gave it more force. Oh, and "her last" is the girl in question... The beast is definitely male.
@penguin
That would be why I posted it here, of course.
I really don't like the word dogged, but I get where you are coming from and will make some alterations on that line.
Each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile... Like dirt is stripped with bleach. His "filthy lusts defile" is being turned into an agent of removal. The flower is stripped of colour by his defiling, not stripped and then he defiles them. Maybe by would work better then with?
And on the "violated garden lies in cooling ashes for her smile" ... What do you mean by consider it? The garden is meant to represent her sexuality, extended by the consistant use of nature in the poem, and the idea of the cooling ashes is meant to call upon the traditional "flame" symbol for passion/sexual desire, now cooling ashes (not even a small flame or glowing embers, but nearly gone completely)
"weaving words of golden grass" - This is a complicated one, because I will admit it being grass fits the rhyme, ideally it would be hay or straw. However I think grass is very close to straw (: P maybe vaguely...) so I think a bit of licensing is allowed here. The golden straw image is meant to mimic that of the rapunzel fairy tale (I tried to have an almost dark fairy tale like theme in the poem) where the girl is forced by the king to make and spin straw/hay into golden thread. I know spinning is different to weaving but I'm playing on it a bit here. It was just meant to be a dark fairy tale image representing the abuse of women by men. Particularly her being locked in her own personal mental hell and the futility of her task - which is simply to try and live her life. I think this is a difficult metaphor to grasp though, especially as I have deviated for my own purposes.
Spinning golden hay doesn't have the same ring to it, in my opinion.
"groves of vanity" - Again with the fairy tale image, I tried to create a picture of old ruins and a forest while tying it in with her. The choice of "vanity" was both because I had used "reflections" and because of another meaning of "vanity" meaning "worthless" - essentially that line is saying that her consistant focusing on her past live is vain. It is pointless. Nothing is ever gained from it.
I think my symbolism is a bit poorly done. I do apologize.
@don miguel
I appreciate that you don't like it, but I want serious criticism, not mild. I only put things in mild when it's something I'm unsure about, but I'm not unsure with this poem. I know it isn't fantastic, but I think it's alright. I appreciate your honesty, but I am a big fan of old poetry, and it does bleed into my own poems sometimes. Not always though c: Some of my poems posted here like "Bleach" and "Rockstar" are completely modern. This is meant to be archaic though. I tried very hard for it to be haha.
Also, technically melancholy is only archaic when refering to black bile. I mean, I still use the word melancholy when describing someone who is very depressed. I wouldn't say I use it often, but at least once a year it'll pop out of my mouth. It's just another word for sadness, but I think it conveys a deeper level of thought.
@tectak
Okay, I can concede I've abused language in places with this poem, I will tidy it up.
I was trying too hard to make it rhyme without changing the end words.
I could use some help with where I have gone wrong. I can sort of see it in places but I'm not great at picking through my own work - it's why I post in places like this rather then just edit on my own.