Birthday

[Philatone]

hey ray
some thoughts to take as you will

One year the kids made a photo mosaic, ...like the casual way the poem begins
a diary from warmness to winter’s decaying: ...i get the idea and like it, but feel as though something is missing. a verb like catologuing or tracking? "warmness" felt a bit awkward to me, as did "decaying" instead of "decay" (there were quite a few -ings around as well)
the feeding of bottles and reading of stories,
my hair set in bobbles, the family guffawing; ...nice playing of sounds with the "bottles" and "bobbles"
teaching the beautiful game in the garden, ...i like this listing of memories. "beautiful game" lost me a bit
patiently building sandcastles and snowmen; ...great image and contrasts
watching barbarians ruin my labours ...i get the idea again of barbarians (especially with the "ruining"), but they suddenly convert into this "worshipping congregation" only a few lines later...
as youngsters mutate into surly teenagers.
My long dark locks are whitened and thinning;...meter changes with "my long dark locks"--gives a sense of foreboding to age, though i feel like i'm digging for meaning that may not be present
this worshipping congregation has risen
as if all sins were forgot or forgiven ...sins? did i miss something?what was wrong?
and I a declining church or religion,
desirous of presence and shows of devotion:
receiving lip-service and mere gift tokens. ...everything was great until the "mere", which really sucked a lot of energy away from the line. you can make an argument that it is appropriate considering the disappointment of the end, but i want to get hit with a hammer

enjoyed the read, but several of the things mentioned tripped me up. several of the word choices had me questioning things just a bit. the piece is flooded with images that were largely well-crafted.