07-19-2012, 07:06 AM
Nicely crafted, Penguin. I feel you should hand out Werther's Originals for people reading this. 
But I'm sure it's one you could submit to a magazine as it stands. It puts me in mind of Larkin's 'Lines on a Young Lady's Photograph Album'.
I read it as a sonnet in half-rhymed couplets, written in loose iambic pentameter, although I'm not sure if there is a volta, if that's considered a defining feature, as some don't (who's to say?). The rhymes work well; half-rhymes can be used to suggest disharmony, but not always; and I think fuller rhymes could make the poem too cloying. Lines 2-5 (and others) utilise ternary feet; there are several runs of dactyls that make things trip along nicely, and reflect the happy nostalgia of looking through a photo album; this is accentuated by the internal 'bottles – bobbles' echo, which is a nice touch. Although when this rhythm breaks ('building sandcastles') it's quite noticeable.
'Warmness' (line 2) held me up a bit as it's rather vague and abstract in an otherwise grounded poem. And the list of '-ing' words does become a bit repetitive, but it's quite a 'comfortable' poem, so I think it works ok. Also, I wonder if starting with 'This year' rather than 'One year' makes things more immediate.
I stumbled a bit at line 9, possibly because I was expecting 'have whitened', which implies change from looking at one photo to the next (as you use 'has risen' in the next line); 'are whitened' is more static, and marks a tense shift from past ('made a photo mosaic') to present. I think it all checks out syntactically, but I still think 'have' would be smoother; although of course wouldn't work with 'thinning'.
The mixture of self-aggrandisement (there's a touch of narcissism to 'long dark locks'; the narrator comparing himself to a 'church or religion' over an extended metaphor; the rhetorical syntax and diction: 'and I…', 'desirous of presence') combined with self-pity ('lip-service and mere gift tokens') risks alienating the reader; although I think the gruff humour is evident enough (eg. in the hyperbolic 'barbarians') to allay these concerns.
And I'm sure you know what happens to fathers (Kings, even) who ask for 'shows of devotion' from their offspring…
An enjoyable and well-written poem, Penguin.
But I'm sure it's one you could submit to a magazine as it stands. It puts me in mind of Larkin's 'Lines on a Young Lady's Photograph Album'.I read it as a sonnet in half-rhymed couplets, written in loose iambic pentameter, although I'm not sure if there is a volta, if that's considered a defining feature, as some don't (who's to say?). The rhymes work well; half-rhymes can be used to suggest disharmony, but not always; and I think fuller rhymes could make the poem too cloying. Lines 2-5 (and others) utilise ternary feet; there are several runs of dactyls that make things trip along nicely, and reflect the happy nostalgia of looking through a photo album; this is accentuated by the internal 'bottles – bobbles' echo, which is a nice touch. Although when this rhythm breaks ('building sandcastles') it's quite noticeable.
'Warmness' (line 2) held me up a bit as it's rather vague and abstract in an otherwise grounded poem. And the list of '-ing' words does become a bit repetitive, but it's quite a 'comfortable' poem, so I think it works ok. Also, I wonder if starting with 'This year' rather than 'One year' makes things more immediate.
I stumbled a bit at line 9, possibly because I was expecting 'have whitened', which implies change from looking at one photo to the next (as you use 'has risen' in the next line); 'are whitened' is more static, and marks a tense shift from past ('made a photo mosaic') to present. I think it all checks out syntactically, but I still think 'have' would be smoother; although of course wouldn't work with 'thinning'.
The mixture of self-aggrandisement (there's a touch of narcissism to 'long dark locks'; the narrator comparing himself to a 'church or religion' over an extended metaphor; the rhetorical syntax and diction: 'and I…', 'desirous of presence') combined with self-pity ('lip-service and mere gift tokens') risks alienating the reader; although I think the gruff humour is evident enough (eg. in the hyperbolic 'barbarians') to allay these concerns.
And I'm sure you know what happens to fathers (Kings, even) who ask for 'shows of devotion' from their offspring…
An enjoyable and well-written poem, Penguin.