The Melancholy Angel (v.2)

[tectak]

I keep messing around with the form of this... I have V.1 and V.2 here, can I have an opinion on which is better? & obviously any other feedback!

Thank-you!

V.1 -

Down inside the darkness
of a twisted lonely mind,
began the end of meaning
with the life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight,
which is cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose
stalking patient to her last.

Violated garden lies in
cooling ashes of her smile,
each flower stripped of colour
with his filthy lusts defile,
and thus rain must fall forever,
leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs
like the liquid on the lace.

So her wings are made of dust,
and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding,
weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly
amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss
await in groves of vanity.

V: 2

Down inside the darkness of a twisted lonely mind,
began the end of meaning with the life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight, which is cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last.

Violated garden lies in cooling ashes of her smile,
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile,
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace.

So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity.

Forget the format for the time being.Forget the need to rhyme. Forget the urge to be a wordsmith. Just use words that make sense. The ideas are good. The use of language lets you down......you are better than this.
Best,
tectak