07-19-2012, 12:06 AM
I think you should be attending to some flaws in grammar and meaning. Then worry about the form.
where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last. - this line would make more sense as "...morosely stalking, dogged to the last."
Violated garden lies in cooling ashes of her smile, - I'd seriously consider what this line is suopposed to convey.
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile, - "which" his filthy lusts?
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace. - nice comparison.
So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity.
I can go along with the first line but "weaving words of grass" "groves of vanity" - I cannot fit them into the context of this poem. They seem to exist solely to satisfy the need for a rhyme.
where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last. - this line would make more sense as "...morosely stalking, dogged to the last."
Violated garden lies in cooling ashes of her smile, - I'd seriously consider what this line is suopposed to convey.
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile, - "which" his filthy lusts?
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace. - nice comparison.
So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity.
I can go along with the first line but "weaving words of grass" "groves of vanity" - I cannot fit them into the context of this poem. They seem to exist solely to satisfy the need for a rhyme.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.