The Melancholy Angel (v.2)

[Todd]

This is pure preference, and it may be six of one half dozen of the other, but I like the V.2 with its longer lines. Here's some other feedback (I'm going to worry less about the rhyme and stick more with content choices. I realize that any suggested changes will require more changes to accomodate the format). I'm using v2 to give comments to but they will equally hold with v1.

V: 2

Down inside the darkness of a twisted lonely mind,--I worry about openings that exist within the mind. It comes off a little static to me. I almost see these types of lines as setup to get to the content. I'd almost go with just starting with the content. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
began the end of meaning with the life she left behind,--I like the end of meaning. Maybe "of a life"
now scattered in the moonlight, which is cast into the past,--slight paring options maybe cut which is for and. There might also be some sense of visually showing this left-behind life scattered in the moonlight. You get a sense of fragmentation from the line. You also get a potential sense of shame or regret giving that it is not in the light of day
where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last.--you could probably cut where and I wonder if beast is stronger gender nuetral "the last". That said, I'm sure it's deliberate so the cut may not be warrented.

Violated garden lies in cooling ashes of her smile,--I keep either wanting to see articles added (A) violated garden, (the) cooling ashes...or cutting a bit I'm not fond of lies or cooling here. Probably just a preference but I think tightening might be stronger.
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile,--should with be which? I would be interested to see you carry this image of the flower stripped of color more thoughout the poem. It's an interesting image and it might be able to do a lot of work for you as a broader metaphor.
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,--like the line though you could probably cut the and
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace.--I like as glitter on the cobwebs. Do you really need the first the before liquid. Just a thought.

So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,--again I really like these nature images here I like the weaving words bit...it shows the speaker's escape from what has afflicted her
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity.

I liked the read. I feel my comments may have been all over the place. I hope some of them will be helpful. If they aren't please disregard.

Best,

Todd