About a Girl

[Todd]

Hi Phaedra,

I like the title. The ambiguity works for me. While this runs counter to some of my own internal (and that's all they are) "rules", I actually quite like this. The lack of punctuation actually seems fine to me. I think you can add minimal punctuation though if you want to. I don't think it kills the style or anything. I haven't read through the comments so I apologize if I repeat. To the lines:

Not so sure on the title. I wanted it to sound like it might be a romantic poem, but I think it just sounds too obvious.

This is more experimental stuff - trying with a bit o' the old free-verse. Tried a total lack of punctuation save for using apostrophes because I couldn't bear to leave them out... Should I? Does it ruin the effect? It's a bit long too.

It's kind of difficult expressing a story like this. This is a real story, it happened to someone I am close to. I hope I did it some justice.

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remember her--good opening
her sad jaded guise--you can cut "her" it's already mentioned above
faded laughter
dulled visage
fragile tears--I like the internal rhyme on faded. I struggle a little with these lines it might work better expressed in selected images. That said, you're coming up against the short clipped line length that you need.
a shade of someone
she could be--great line break
anyone

forever--love your strophe break and how you set off the two one work lines, really nice
behind smokey mirrors
she haunted empty spaces--these two lines (mirrors and spaces) are more what I was taking about above with using images instead. Things like this
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass

nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered--love these two "she" lines
that she was broken by years
of being alone

couldn't bear her own reflection
tried to hide from herself
but to everyone else
invisible

she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed--maybe simply doctor prescribed

they found her huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered and swollen
she finally found company
in the form of little black flies
who swarm lovingly around her smile
her hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen

I made myself stop as this is mild. I think in general I'd consider paring down the close to less images. Stick with a few specific things and honestly for things like this less is more. Implication is more powerful than display.

Sorry if that was over long.

Best,

Todd