An attemept at Terza Rima:
#2
(07-18-2012, 05:32 PM)billy Wrote:  My Best Friend:

A holstered tale between two nervous knees: -- nice "tale" wordplay
O churlish cur why bite the hand of care? -- comma after cur
the lamb was not for eating if you please.

I call you friend and yet those fangs you bare.
You and me, we have a shepherd's job to do, -- too long, you could try "we two, we have a shepherd's job to do"
you're not supposed to be a wolf, just glare.

A year or so when it becomes a ewe -- grammatically this line and the next are not great, what about "A year to wait 'til it becomes a ewe"
and then we'll strike, but silent with a blade,
or axe, and have more meat to place in stew.

But no you greedy bastard, had you weighed
the situation up you would have heard
a whistle saying how you should have laid.
Generally a pretty good first terza rima (I love the interlocking rhymes, it's one of my very favourite schemes). The voice is great, speaking to the dog as a person, which I've heard many a farmer do. The poem would benefit from the traditional closing couplet to summarise -- as it is now it ends rather abruptly.

That's all I've got. I like it, and will like it even more when it's tweaked just that little bit.
It could be worse
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Messages In This Thread
An attemept at Terza Rima: - by billy - 07-18-2012, 05:32 PM
RE: An attemept at Terza Rima: - by Leanne - 07-18-2012, 05:50 PM
RE: An attemept at Terza Rima: - by billy - 07-18-2012, 06:02 PM
RE: An attemept at Terza Rima: - by penguin - 07-19-2012, 12:19 AM
RE: An attemept at Terza Rima: - by tectak - 07-19-2012, 05:35 AM
RE: An attemept at Terza Rima: - by billy - 07-19-2012, 09:07 AM
RE: An attemept at Terza Rima: - by Philatone - 07-19-2012, 09:54 AM
RE: An attemept at Terza Rima: - by billy - 07-19-2012, 10:02 AM
RE: An attemept at Terza Rima: - by tectak - 07-24-2012, 06:02 AM



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